My President Can Totally Beat Up Your President
I blame George Bush for this…really, I do. Now granted, being a New England born and bred liberal I tend to blame George Bush for everything from Global Warming to the shockingly poor state of delivery pizza here in DC. But this sad state of affairs I can absolutely say is W’s fault.
I’m talking, of course, about this trend of shirtless “photo ops” for foriegn leaders that seems to be popping up from Paris to Moscow. Wait, you haven’t heard that showing your pecs is the new thing in Foreign Relations? Well, let me catch you up…
It all started with pictures like this of the Commander in Chief:
Seriously, do I even need to make the Texas Chainsaw Massacre joke? I think not. So the President of the US starts putting out pics like this while carrying out his foreign *ahem* “policy” and lo and behold, it’s not the Iraqis that are shocked and awed, it’s the rest of the world.
I mean, can’t you just hear the conversations in Moscow, London, Beijing, Paris, et al?
“Holy crap! Cancel my trip to Washington. That redneck is crazy! I am NOT telling him face to face that we’re not supporting his War of Terror…hell no. Better yet, send him a telegram…a singing telegram! Yeah yeah, a singing telegram…”
But you knew that wouldn’t last. At some point, someone was going to say “screw that” and escalate things. And didn’t you just know that “someone” was going to be a Russian? What we didn’t know was that “escalate” meant going all bare chested to show he meant business.
See, you might look at this and see nothing more than a picture of a man fishing. That’s just naive. This is international politics at it’s finest. Basically, Boris (Putin) is telling Natasha (Bush) “Look, beeeyatch, I didn’t sit around screwing up baseball teams and oil companies my whole life. I wasn’t in the National Guard. I was in the KGB, son. I’ve seen some shit in my day. You point that chainsaw at me and not only will I take it right away from you, but then I’m gonna give you a Stalin style beat down.”
What Nikita Khruschev and JFK did in ‘62 with their Naval Forces, Vlad the Bad and GWB are doing with the Paparazzi.
But it didn’t end there…hell’s no. The Johnny Come Lately to the Shirtless Leader Gang is none other than Nicolas Sarkozy of France. France, people. Sarkozy, being the conservative, non traditional neo-Franco leader that he is just had to get in on this. But he got in on it with…are ya’ ready?
PHOTOSHOP.
That’s right, they photoshopped his chubby ass. Thus eliminating him from this uber-powers game of Glamour Shots Arm Wrestling. Then again, I mean, he is French. They probably had to photoshop out the umbrella he had over him in his little boat…
(As a side note, Sarkozy beat this little Socialist number, Marie-Ségolène Royal, who attempted to use what God gave her to Jenna Jamison her way in to office…silly Parisians…)
Now, if you’ve been paying attention, you can see the dilemma here, can’t you? You see where this madness leads, right? We’re going to be picking leaders based on who can whoop who’s ass not in the court of public opinion, the UN, or on a battlefield…oh no! We’re looking at UFC style foreign relations! And really, if that’s the case, can’t you just see who some of the future leaders of the world are?
Chinese President Jet Li;
Canadian Prime Minister Patrick Roy;
British Prime Minister Lennox Lewis;
You get the point. But, yet another aspect of this that you have to realize is the terrifying, yet very real possibility that this sort of trend would lead to people thinking…well…dare I even say it?
President Arnold Schwarzenegger.
Before you go off half cocked and thinking that this is a good idea (I’m looking at you, Red States) let’s get something straight. Vladimir Putin would kick President Terminator’s ass. Yes, yes he would ya’ll. This ain’t a movie, and Arnie just ain’t the man he used to be. Don’t believe me? See for yourself.
Vlad would use his crazy KGB Ninja skills and beat Arnold down faster than you can say “Ivan Drago Killed Apollo Creed”.
What we need is a man who can not only smack some commies around, but also has at least a semblance of a political background while still being able to pronounce his “R’s”. (You’re out Ah-nuld) Some one who is 100% American ass whooper for certain, but who gets that domestic policy is not a phrase that descibes what places will and won’t deliver food at 1am.
This dude gets my vote.
Yes, Clint Eastwood, the former Mayor of Carmel is 77…but YOU tell him you don’t think he’s man enough for the job. He’s got “Make My Day” written all over him! Just think; the State of the Union would be Must See TV not to see how many words he mispronounces or uses incorrectly, but to see who he’s gonna call “Punk”. Not to mention that if you come at The Outlaw Josey Wales with a KGB karate chop you’re going to be eating nothing but Borscht for six months through your broken jaw.
And hey, at least he’ll never humiliate us with a bad picture that the other foreign leaders will look at and say “Oh I could totally take that guy”. You know, like, for example….
on August 27, 2007 on 11:51 am
Okay. If Canada’s going to pick a goalie as their PM, it’s gonna be Brodeur. They’ll wait for him to retire, after he’s done setting new records, mmkay?
Anyway, I suggest you watch the movie Idiocracy. I think you, and the movie, have a point!
on August 27, 2007 on 12:24 pm
Why did you use that picture of Szorzky? This one makes your point so much more effectively (second on the page).
on August 27, 2007 on 12:43 pm
Did anyone else see the crappy Stallone movie “Demolition Man” and remember the fact that they mentioned the “Shwarzenegger Presidency” and find it really really way too much of a coincidence?
on August 27, 2007 on 12:53 pm
Dagny; How did I know the Jersey girl would take offense to my choice of using Roy over Brodeur?
Andy; They didn’t photohop the belly roll out of those…which makes it OH so much better.
Jo; I think Stallone would get to be at least Sec/Def.
on August 27, 2007 on 12:56 pm
chainsaw cuts muscle
go america!
on August 27, 2007 on 1:15 pm
Clint Eastwood is one hot 77-year-old man.
on August 27, 2007 on 1:46 pm
mm: USA! USA!
gn; It’s hard to believe that “77″ and “hot” can be used in teh same sentence!
on August 27, 2007 on 2:26 pm
Awesome post. Chuck Norris would make a superb vice president to president Eastwood. We wouldn’t even need an army, we could just send those two into a cave in Tora Bora with Defense secretary Magiver. All they would need is a .45 Magnum, knumbchucks, some chewing gum and duct tape and Osama Bin Laden would come out of there in about 2 minutes.
on August 27, 2007 on 3:17 pm
Ohh.. Poor Duke.
That picture of Arnold made me SHRIEK!
on August 27, 2007 on 3:18 pm
Ohh.. Poor Duke.
That picture of Arnold made me SHRIEK!
on August 27, 2007 on 3:33 pm
Bruce; See, now we’er geting somewhere…Chuck Norris as VP? WHop would run against them?
Julie; Scary, I know.
Julie; Scary I know.
on August 27, 2007 on 3:33 pm
chuck could roundhouse kick the plutonium 210 right out of putin’s back pocket.
on August 27, 2007 on 3:35 pm
Roissy; Amen brother. See, if we’re going to have tough guy president’s they have to be tough guys. I mean, do you buy that Bush could whoop someone’s ass? HELL NO.
on August 27, 2007 on 4:09 pm
DUDE! i was having the SHITTIEST day, and you totally changed my attitude. Thanks for that.
on August 27, 2007 on 4:12 pm
HOLY GOD! That’s what Segolene Royal looked like under those sensible suits? How the hell could the French vote in Sarkozy after seeing shots like those?
If Jet Li was Premier and Chuck Norris was elected President after succeeding Eastwood, that would make for some very entertaining “diplomatic talks” between China and the U.S.
on August 27, 2007 on 5:13 pm
Politics are so Hollywood these days. That said, I’d vote for Clint. He’s done good things in my hometown and he at least makes movies with some substance to them…
on August 27, 2007 on 9:38 pm
thanks for the arnold bikini pic… i really didn’t feel like eating anyway.
on August 27, 2007 on 11:11 pm
I used to love Patrick Roy (go avs!) but then I learned he beat his wife. So now he is dead to me. Darn.
PS I totally look like Segolene naked.
(I wish!!!)
on August 28, 2007 on 3:45 pm
i head that Bush is upping the ante and now chainsaws in ass less chaps..
xoxo
on August 29, 2007 on 10:22 am
I thought I’d have to douse my eyeballs in bleach after seeing the Ahnuld photo, but then came the Clint photo, and it was all better.
on August 30, 2007 on 9:05 am
Wow, this is a hilarious post — thanks! I really enjoy your writing.
on August 31, 2007 on 3:21 pm
I got $50 on Clint vs. Vlad. Either one could kick Arny’s ass.
Is it just me, or does Putin look like he should be the bad guy in some cheesy 80’s (or 90’s for that matter) action flick?
on August 31, 2007 on 6:40 pm
yeah cj is right..Vlad looks ALOT like Jan Michael Vincent in that that pic
xoxo
on September 14, 2007 on 4:23 pm
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