That Which Makes Me Want to SCREAM
There are things I cannot stand in this world. People and situations that drive me right up the wall and I will never, ever be able to just handle it without being affected. I don’t go ballistic, per se. But I do have to talk my way through the entire process of dealing. Today, I give you an abridged list of the people and things that fucking make me crazy. In no particular order…
1) The High Maintenance Person Who Will “Innocently” Push Your Buttons But Will Flip Out If You Call Them On It
This list might not be in any particular order, but this is definitely Numero Uno. We all know this person. This is the person that will have a million qualifications for where you can go to eat, sees that it’s driving everyone insane, and doesn’t care. But saying to him/her “what is the big deal” will immediately send them off…and you’re the bad guy. This is the person who at every family get together winds up getting in to it with someone, but yet it’s never their fault. They say “I was just…” all the time. They make you all walk on eggshells and cater to them or else. Think Janice on the Sopranos and you’re in the right ballpark. Think my sister at Christmas and you’re batting at homeplate.
The Worst Part: You can either deal with it and keep your mouth shut or confront it and watch it get blown up in to a whole new level that sucks the life out of everyone. These people have zero fear of escalation.
2) Woe Is Me I’m So Sad And Did I Mention How Sad I Am?
Ugh. Yes, I get it. You aren’t that good at life. It’s harder for you than it’s ever been for anyone else. The Rapture could be erupting around you with an all inclusive “even the Mormons are going to heaven” edict and you’d say “But I forgot my sweater”. No matter what, it’s about you and your sorrow and your heavy burden.
I will load the gun….
The Worst Part: I don’t own a gun. No, I kid. Actually the worst part is that by dealing with it at all, you have just guaranteed yourself a night of misery. There’s no getting around or over it. They are gonna whine and you are gonna listen.
3) Dusty Dinkleman
I don’t know how I got sucked in to watching this movie recently, but I did. It’s awful, save for 2 things; Ryan Reynolds little brother, and Dusty Dinkleman. Dusty, as played by Chris Klein, is the nicest, most sincere truly in touch with his feminine side acoustic guitar playing man alive…except he’s not. When he sings “When Jamie Smiles” to woo Ryan Reynolds girl, you think “God DAMN this guy is like Air Supply in a can”…and then when you hear him sing “When Janice Smiles” you realize he’s a scumbag who does and says whatever he has to to come across as a low risk “Beta Man” when really, he’s the worst wolf in sheep’s clothing ever.
Give me the Wolf in Wolf’s clothing every time. Least the man ain’t afraid to be what he is.
The Worst Part: You can’t warn someone about this…you say “that guy is a snake” to a woman in the middle of hearing “When (YOURNAMEHERE) Smiles” and she’s going to tell you you’re an asshole. You then sit back and wait for the “I’m so sorry you were so right” reunion where you listen to all the reasons she didn’t see it coming.
4) People Who Think the Matrix was Deep and Great Movie Making
Nuff said, but closely resembled by people that want to explain that Lost is deep because they used Philospher’s names and you never know what the hell is going on. Ummm, huh?
The Worst Part: They want you to hit the bong with them and watch it to prove how good it is. Look, enough ganj and fritos and Mr. Rogers is deep.
4a) Keanu Reeves
I am an F. B. I. AGENT!!!!
Please kill me.
The Worst Part: He keeps getting work. Although I count my blessings that Dogstar never took off.
5) Gear Guy
Oooh this one…it’s a guitar thing. There’s the guy that comes in to the shop and has to have friggin’ eveything. I mean, everything. It’s also got to be the best, as he can’t cannot CANABSOLUTELYNOT have a lesser version of anything. Inevitably, this guy has a magazine under his arm with the latest/hippest ohmyGODtheyarealloverMTVrightnow band on the cover and he is getting whatever that guy is playing. The only thing worse than being stuck behind this guy in line, as he HAS to be shown how to do everything (can’t just take it home and do what the rest of us do…mess around with it) is being in a band with this guy.
The Worst Part: This guy ALWAYS needs reassurance that his gear is cool and that, by extension, he is cool…so he will start talking to you just long enough to explain to you what he’s buying and how “Rad” it is. Then he will BEG you to tell him how awesome that is. BE WARNED; if you don’t tell him how amazing and bad ass and just bloody awesome whatever he’s getting is, he will assume you don’t get it and he will try harder to explain it to you.
That conversation is like having a Les Paul forced in to your…well, you get the idea.
6) People Who Argue Using “That’s Just What I Feel” Line While Telling You That You’re Wrong
Oh sweet love of Heaven this person…oy vey and stab me in the eye with a #2 pencil. OK, look, I love to debate. Give me a pint and a bar stool and lets go. I’m not talking yelling, screaming insanity…I mean, tell me your points and let me tell you mine and let’s go. But you know who loves to get in to these sorts of conversations like bloody clockwork? The ignorant. “Well, I don’t know about that, but this is what I think and you’re wrong”…
Like nails on a chalk board. You’ll often hear this from people making statements like;
“I think Pearl Jam is the most important band since the Beatles”.
Say what? Are you nuts? I mean, off the top of my head I’d say U2 had a lot more…
“NO! It’s PEARL JAM! THEY ROCK!!!!!!”
The Worst Part: They will damn near NEVER let it go. They are emotionally vested in to whatever they are arguing, so they need to hear you say “wow, you’re right”. They can’t argue/debate points and say “huh, well, agree to disagree”. Not these folks.
7) Pearl Jam
No Junior, they most certainly are not the most important band since the Beatles. They are the most overrated band since Mr. Mister started getting Grammy Award nominations.
The Worst Part: We have to hear the crap they put out, which has gotten worse and worse with every album since the first one, and listen to people tell us that it’s “great” and ahead of its time. Ripping off what Neil Young did in the 60′s and 70′s is NOT ahead of it’s time.
Give me Soundgarden any day.
8 ) Mr. Arbitrary
Let’s say you’re watching the Patriots/Chargers game at a pub full ‘o New Englanders. Everyone’s havin’ a grand time and then one guys starts yellin’ about Brady sucking this and the Patriots are the worst that. He isn’t from San Diego…doesn’t have the house mortgaged on the game. Oh no…he just needs attention. And to get it, he’s decided that he’s going to root for the other team. Or argue Pro Life in a room full of liberals. He’s the guy that will tell you that whatever you’re talking about is wrong…
And man he sets me off.
The Worst Part: By proving to him that he’s wrong…by mowing down every argument that he has, you’ve just given him exactly what he wants. Attention. And then you’re stuck with him pretending to be rooting for the Chargers or abortion or whatever right next to you as his new found source of attention.
Phew. OK, that’s 8. And I really feel better now for getting it off my chest. Sometimes things out there just, you know…make you a little tense. It’s good to get it out.
If I forgot to mention anyone, please feel free to give ‘em a name and slap ‘em silly.