Synchronicity III and the I’ll-Cut-You-a-Break-if-You’ll-Cut-Me-One Shuffle
There was a bit of teeth gnashing over the past few weeks between NGF and I. Some territorial growlings and “don’t put your fucking shit there OR ELSE” barking. More than there should be, and it was a frustrating set of corners to find ourselves against, paintbrushes in hands.
Then there was a scare…NGF in the same hospital that I’d been in, just a year before. It was damn near an anniversary, and when I went to visit her, with the echo of our yelling still fresh in my head, I found myself scared, confused, and ultimately, shocked at just how reactionary I’d been. How much I’d decided to blame her for things that weren’t really her fault, or at least weren’t malicious, and how I’d known she was doing it to me, too…and how somehow, I’d blown right past all of that and found my car parked on “Fuck You Boulevard” …
And yet there I was, waking up behind the wheel and saying “what the fuck was I thinking”.
Maybe I needed to see her frailty. Maybe I just needed something to force me to get over myself for a minute. Either way, NGF admitted to the hospital because she was too sick to come home and having to stay there for 3 nights, 2 days?
That did it.
Since then, we’ve been talking. More important than that, kids…far more important than that; we’ve been listening.
Bad timelines. Unfair and unexplained expectations. Fear of abandonment. Standing RIGHT next to the door with your fingers squeezing the handle so tight that your knuckles start to cramp. Holding back and visibly hiding scars. Biting tongues and diverting attention. Deflecting.
These things kill. From the inside out.
But you can, with one deep breath and one open declaration shine a light that sends it scurrying. But man, you gotta be brave, and you’ve gotta want it. You’ve got to let go of all the unfair and dispatch the unspoken.
You also have to say, openly and with every intention of following through, I’d rather not do this than do it wrong. But you don’t say it like an ultimatum. The difference between the ultimatum, which has the implied next line of “So let’s call it a day and head to different corners”, and this is that here the next line is;
So let’s do it right.
Since then, there’s a page that has been turned. We’ve actually started to fire like cylinders in the same motor. Since then we’ve been a whole lot more real, and consequently, we’ve been a whole lot more in touch…and trusting.
And I dig living this way.
So enjoy my newest musical obsession. Which I found on an XM Radio randomly playing that I’d been ignoring all day, until I started thinking that she’s not NGF anymore.
She’s just GF.