I Now Pronounce You


The Best Laid Plans or Why It Was a LONGSHOT

Posted in History by inowpronounceyou on February 23, 2007

I haven’t mentioned this as yet, but my girl’s got no idea this is being written. The plan is that she not find out, and I let her read it when we’re on our honeymoon. (which by the way, looks like it’s going to be in Brazil.) I can say “here’s what I’ve been thinking for the last 11 months”..she’ll laugh, I’ll get “You’re so sweet” sex, and life will be good. Of course, we’ll be on our honeymoon…AND in Brazil…so I doubt that I’m going to have to angle for sex.

I will be leaving your comments in, unchanged, assuming anyone ever starts reading this. I figure, why dumb it down or remove something that I don’t like? What’s that going to gain? People were shocked when they heard the two least likely to marry people they knew were getting married…to each other, no less. What’s a few “I fucked your gf” comments REALLY going to change?

To that end, here are a few reasons why we were the longest of long shots to ever get married, especially to each other.

1) We met on Craig’s List. In the Casual Encounters section. For rizzle. I had gotten out of a ridiculous relationship with a bartender from one of those swanky DC Hotel Bars, and was NOT NOT NOT interested in dating. If you want to know WHY you should never EVER date the bartender, VK said it best just a few days ago in his post, “The Dime Piece Chronicles, Don’t Do It”. (Brilliant stuff, really) At any rate, I wanted someone that I could have sex with, maybe be my date to the occasional 930 show, and that was IT. No expectations of anything else developing.

Our first date was a Friday night. It ended Sunday night. And we didn’t have sex. That plan went right out the window. That was 3 years ago, for those keeping score.

2) She’s a Socialist philosopher who can’t stand sports…and I am an Ayn Rand Capitalist who has season tix to the Nats. This, you would think, would lead to screaming matches that go something like this;

“Fuck you and fuck your bourgeois agenda”

“Go back to Havana!!”

OK, that’s kind of true. But, it’s really what we like about each other! We debate, we don’t argue. It gets pretty freakin’ heated sometimes, but it works for us AND the tension sex can be just un-fucking-real, as in UNREAL FUCKING. Plus, it’s really broadened both of our views on just about everything. Because I respect that she is ridiculously intelligent, I listen to her points of view and rethink mine. Because she knows that I am God damned brilliant, she does the same.

The mind is the sexiest part of the body. If you don’t know or get that, don’t invest yourself emotionally. I’m just sayin’. Sexually? Invest like it’s the .com days. Emotionally, do NOT do it.

Oh, and she will now watch the Yankees with me, wear a hat and shirt, and cheer…but she much prefers going to Nats games. (So long as she’s got a water bottle full of vodka and she can get a lemonade…that’s my girl)

3) She’s almost 10 years younger than I am. I know, I know…this was almost my deal breaker, too. When I put that ad up on CL, I didn’t write the standard “do you wanna suck on THIS” ad. Hell no. I knew what I wanted. So, I wrote it out. 8 paragraphs. It was precise. It was a work of fucking art, let me tell you. I put in there that age and race were not an issue, b/c really…it wasn’t. If you were attractive to me, what else matters for a FWB type arrangement? I got way, way WAY more responses than I could have possibly imagined. Some were ruled out right away…men, gone. Married women, gone. CLEARLY disturbed women, gone. And I kept tossing out my girl’s ad, too. 10 years younger? NO FUCKING WAY. I know I said age and race don’t matter, but when faced with the age? It mattered. I have a sister who is that age, and when you have a sister that age, it’s not hot, it’s sick. But I kept coming back to it. Her response was, well…perfect. We chatted on line, exchanged pics and met for that Friday night history…the rest is, well, you know.

And really, the only time it’s ever an issue? Pop culture. I make a “Greatest American Hero” joke or bust out with a, say, the theme song to “The Rockford Files” on my guitar and she just looks at me with a blank face. She busts out with the theme song from Jem…I’m lost.

Other than that, it’s all good.

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