I Now Pronounce You

Lucky, Lucky Me.

Posted in Uncategorized by inowpronounceyou on March 8, 2007

Maybe it’s because none of these doctors I’ve been seeing seem to be able to do a damn thing about what I’m dealing with…or, maybe it’s because I’m hungry, but I can’t eat b/c of the pain it causes…or maybe it’s because I’m exhausted no matter what time I go to bed or wake up…

But I’m feeling lucky.

I’m no good at saying “help me”. I never really have been, and that’s not bragging; it’s a confession of my own weakness. I’m the oldest of three and it was my job to take care of them. That’s how it is when you’re the oldest. That always stayed with me. Plus, I’m a self made guy. Never got any help and never really wanted it. When something hurt me, I dealt with it. When something was hard, I tried harder. When I needed something, I figured out how to get it, and that didn’t involve finding someone to give it to me or even help me to get it.

That’s just the way it’s been…

But last night, after speaking with my cardiologist, I thought I was going to explode. See, I’ve been in a holding pattern since my night in the hospital. The doctors put me on something and sent me to my primary care physician…and he told me to see a cardiologist and a gastroenterologist. I saw the gastroenterologist for a “consultation” and he said he’d set me up for an Endoscopy. That got moved back twice, and is finally scheduled for tomorrow. The cardiologist brought me in for a “consultation” and set me up for an ECG and a stress test. That was Tuesday.

But the whole time that this back and forth has been going on, this pain has been getting a little worse, and a little worse, day by day. At first it was something that I could tolerate. But then it started getting a little worse…and a little worse. And I’ve been going to work and just dealing…dealing…dealing…

After Tuesday, no one would call me back and tell me what the results of my test were…not the cardiologist, not my PCP. So another day goes by, no relief in sight. Yesterday, I was trying to get through another day, not eating, exhausted, and in pain…oh, did I mention that I was in meetings all day? Yeah…NOT. FUN.

By the time I finally got the call, all he said was “We didn’t find anything”.

When I got home, I thought I was going to snap. Frustration + Hunger + Exhaustion + Pain? You do the math.

When I was in the Army, I took up boxing. My trainer used to say “sometimes you just need to hit”, and last night that was how I felt. I wanted to scream. I wanted to hit something. I felt like my head was going to just BLOW. And my stomach and my chest were screaming along with me…

When Fiance came home she asked if I wanted something to eat, and that was almost the “Scanners” moment. HOW could she ask me that? Doesn’t she know how much pain I’m in? Can’t she see that I’m doubled over?

I didn’t know what to do, what to say…I just snapped “NO!!”

And she looked at me and something…softened. I could barely believe what I said next. Really, because as I thought about it today I don’t know when I said it last.

“Can I just have a hug?”

For the next 10, 15 minutes, I sat and listened in the woman-who-will-be-my-wife’s arms while she told me how it was all going to be all right. And it wasn’t lip service. She’s right. It IS all going to be all right. She told me that I needed to relax…that the stress wasn’t helping the pain. And she was right. I felt myself take a deep breath and blow out, and the edge of the pain went with it. She told me she loves me, and that Friday’s test will hopefully reveal what’s wrong with me, and that will be a start and that will be the beginning of me getting back to where I need to be.

And she was right again.

If it was an episode of Scrubs, Ben Folds would have been playing in the background.

I found myself crying a little, and letting go a little, and leaning on her a little. And it felt really, really good.

Sometimes, you just need a hug.


10 Responses to 'Lucky, Lucky Me.'

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  1. Kathryn said,

    J, that’s beautiful. If Fiance doesn’t start crying when she finally gets to read this, this is the post that’s going to bring on the tears. The happy, we’re meant to be, you *do* need exactly what I give, sweet tears.

    You guys are the luckiest.

  2. Brunch Bird said,

    Ben Folds’ “The Luckiest,” no doubt. If you haven’t heard it, treat yourself to it on iTunes. Good luck to both of you.

  3. KassyK said,

    I agree with Kathryn, that was a beautiful post. Good luck to you healthwise and it sounds like your life with your lady is just as it should be. Lovely. šŸ™‚

  4. Rambker said,

    Very nicely writen post. The most touching part was “help me”. how many of us have faced this.

  5. Dupont said,

    I love this, and I know the feeling. It’s odd to finally have someone that you just… need. The way you talk about how you’ve worked for everything, taken care of everyone; I may be the youngest in my family, but I had the same role and now I find that someone wants to take care of me rather than the opposite. It’s been odd. Disconcerting at times, to be honest. I found myself wondering what the angle was, until finally I started to realize that it’s ok to need someone. I’m still getting use to the idea – thank you for putting it into far sweeter words than I’ve been able to.

  6. Just woke up from my morning procedure, and they have FINALLY figured out what’s wrong with me

    …thank you for the comments.

    Kathryn; thanks for the thoughts. I have visions of us on the beach in Brazil with a laptop. OK, maybe not so much laptop on the beach, but you know.

    Brunchbird; Love that song,…and that would be the one.

    KassyK; Like I said, I’m a lucky, lucky man. It is a lovely life.

    DuPont; It is an adjustment to realize, accept, and embrace needing someone. I won’t lie and say that it comes naturally. Yet.

  7. Rambker; “help me”…it ain’t always easy. And we men wonder why we get stomach and heart problems…go figure.

  8. barbara said,

    A hug is the most POWERFUL medicine there is! I hope you get well.

  9. OMG. First, Fiancee is wonderful. I *absolutely* WITHOUT QUESTION know how it feels to have something the matter and not know what it is. It drives you a little batty and for good reason. Your mentioning the gastroenterologist leads me to believe that you may have similar issues that I experience and my heart and hugs go out to you. The greatest thing in the world is having someone to whom you can say “I need some help.” There’s nothing better. Hugs don’t solve the problem, but they really, really help medicate it.

    If you are so inclined and want some info on gastro issues, let me know. I’m happy to help if I can. I don’t know what’s wrong with me yet, but if you read some of my (ahem) “poop” category, we may have similar issues on which I can offer some advice. If not, be well. And keep that fiancee close because she’s a keeper. šŸ™‚

    Also, hi from JN and Indie Bloggers. šŸ™‚

  10. Thanks for sharing this information. Really is pack with new knowledge. Keep them coming.

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