I Now Pronounce You

The One You Don’t See Coming

Posted in Uncategorized by inowpronounceyou on March 18, 2007

My trainer used to say “Be diligent…keep your hands up no matter how in control you are. It’s the punch you don’t see coming that kills you”. Indeed.

I got the punch I didn’t see coming.

“This isn’t working for me” came out of nowhere. It was a clean, head snapping shot that I am still a bit woozy from. Some St Patrick’s Day.

“When you DO get hit, you gotta focus. If you overreact, you’re going to tense up and leave yourself wide open. You’ve got to realize that you’re vulnerable and you’ve got to HOLD ON.”

Get your bruised ego out of the way. You’re going to want to scream. You’re going to want to demand answers. That’s not going to help…it’s going to make it worse. So you talk…you ask questions. “Is this cold feet?” “Did I do something wrong?” And the OHGODPLEASEDON’TLETITBE…”Is there someone else?” (Answer key; I don’t know, no, and no)

I hear everything that she’s saying, and it’s not so different from some of the things I’ve talked about. Some of it is new…

“I’m 24, and I don’t know what I’m doing.”

“You’re my best friend, but I don’t know if that’s enough”

I listen. I don’t have answers. I really don’t have questions after a certain point.

“Sometimes it’s better to take a knee, clear your head, and get up again. Catch your breath, focus your eyes on something, and breathe deep. It’s better to go down and get up than it is to start throwing punches wildly, lose focus, overswing, and go down for the count.”

I tell her that I don’t want to lose her, and that whatever it takes I’m willing to do…if that means put the wedding on hold, so be it. Better to go down and get up. The only thing that I say is off the table is splitting up and trying to work it out apart. I don’t even know where that came from. But it came. I won’t separate after 3 years to try and get back to a point where we try again. We already did that, and I guess my thinking is if we’re going to get married, then we should learn to fix these things together. Because we will have bad days…problems…issues in our life. We can’t just cut and run and separate every time we do.

I tell her I love her, that she’s the best friend I’ve ever had, and that we’ll figure this out one way or the other and nothing will change what she means to me. She wants time, and I agree. We aren’t breaking up or splitting up, but we aren’t exactly in a good place.

We agree to give each other some space for the night and talk in the morning.

Of course, it’s St Patrick’s Day…and when all you want is to have a quiet corner to nurse a drink that you shouldn’t have…this is the wrong day.

I get to put my money where my mouth is now…no one said it would be easy.


16 Responses to 'The One You Don’t See Coming'

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  1. Maria said,

    I sincerely hope that things work out for you. I’m so sorry that you’re dealing with this.

  2. sbmaya said,

    Oh my god, man! What a shock…..I hope this will someday be but a memory that you’ll look back on and laugh about. If not, best of luck and hey, keep blogging, ok? I enjoy your writing a lot!

  3. DCVita said,

    Oh wow!! I am so sorry to hear about the tough time you are going through. Sometimes the wedding planning can really get to a person and they just need time to themselves. I sincerely hope you both work it out.

    Oddly, I JUST finished writing a post on the whole concept of marriage…and then I read this. Definately makes me think some more!

    I am sure it will all work out for the best šŸ™‚ Chin up!

  4. snoopy said,

    I just started reading your blog and I’m sorry to hear this. I hope you guys can take some time and work this out.

  5. KassyK said,

    I really hope that things work out. I am so sorry…you seem like such a loving, intelligent person and I hope that you guys can work through any and all issues and have it come out the way it is meant to be in the end…together. Keep us updated and if you need anything…you know where to find me. šŸ™‚

  6. Carrie M said,

    hope everything works out for the best. and i know this is no consolation, but your blog is really excellent…just sayin’.

  7. Dupont said,

    Oh wow… I’m so sorry to read this… Do let us know how you’re doing, ok? And keep faith – things will work out. You know how to get me if you want to talk…

  8. I add my sympathies to those already offered above, and hope that things resolve themselves as well as possible, as soon as possible.

  9. Like the earlier comments, I’m sorry to hear about this and hope that things work themselves out without too much struggle. I’ve only been reading for a short time, but concur with Carrie M, your writing is excellent.

  10. LMNt said,

    Not really sure what to say. I feel for you, and I hope it works out.

  11. Kathryn said,

    I still see you guys reading your posts on the beach in Brazil, thinking of the ways in which this particular event made you even stronger.

  12. Thank you all…chin is up and I will keep you posted. I truly, deeply appreciate your thoughts and compliments.

  13. 6s & 7s said,

    Well maybe it’s better to do this now, than say 20 years from now with a mortgage and a bald spot and a couple of kids wanting to go to college. What’s the rush really? If you love each other and want to be together, WHY IN THE HELL do you need a priest or a piece of paper from the state to tell you that you love each other?!! I have friends that have “Weddings” an no one knows it’s not a legal contract. Legal contracts are for when it gets sticky…and it can get sticky. Just love yourself and give space and time. Don’t waste your time but don’t be hasty to do whatever it takes to get married. GO SEE THE MOVIE LITTLE CHILDREN. Thanks!

  14. DCBrownie said,

    Like everyone else has already said, I am very sorry that this is happening to you. I don’t know you and have only recently found your blog, but I truly feel for you and hope everything works out for you.

    If I can add my personal experience. . . . In 2004, my fiance came to me three months before our wedding date and said that he was having doubts about everything. We decided to postpone the wedding indefinitely and work on our relationship. A year later, we both decided to call it quits because, no matter how hard we tried, it wasn’t working. Although part of me is glad we did try, because I know how hard we tried to work things out and knowing that leaves no room for doubt in the end, another part of me would like that year of my life back.

    I’m not saying that that will be the outcome in your case, and I certainly hope it isn’t. I just wanted to share my experience, because I would hate for anyone to go through what I went through. The next time someone has doubts about being with me, I will not be sticking around for twelve months to work on things. Lesson learned for me the hard way.

  15. Helen Skor said,

    Everything has a way of working itself out. Just remember that.

  16. I’m still catching up on blogs and I’m just now reading this. INPY, I am so, so sorry. I’ve been here and I understand. The most important thing is to keep being honest. My thoughts are with you and your fiancee – I hope everything works out the way that will make you two the happiest. :/

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