I Now Pronounce You

Must I Dream and Always See Your Face

Posted in Uncategorized by inowpronounceyou on March 20, 2007

I wrote this ridiculously sad and jarringly depressing post called “Jeff Buckley Should Have Learned The Crawl Stroke”…then went back to edit it and realized that there was just no WAY I could spring that on an unsuspecting reader. Trust me, you’re glad.

So this is the best I can do…

It’s over. I am looking for a new apartment, and Fiance shall know be known as Ex-Fiance, and that assumes that I decide to keep writing. I may, I may not. I keep hoping that she’s going to hit the brakes and look at me and say “Wait WAIT…this is wrong, this is crazy”…

But the more I wait, the less indication I get that something like that is coming.

I am going back and forth between wanting to scream, the 1000 Yard Stare, and deep, deep breathing that either helps me keep it together or gets me right back to wanting to scream, depending on where my head is at. I do what all men do when faced with this…which is nothing. I say nothing. I do nothing. I’m fine. FUCKING FINE god damnit.

When we talked last night there were no answers…no excuses. Just mumbled “I’m sorry’s” and a few nonsensical half sentences. After awhile it became obvious that she wanted her life to herself, and I am now Persona Non Grata in her immediate world.

I was proud of myself in retrospect…I didn’t beg (though I wanted to) and I didn’t scream (though it crossed my mind)

I didn’t threaten or make ultimatums…

I didn’t accuse and I didn’t demand…

I realized that I didn’t want to force, con, or cajole someone in to staying with me when they don’t want to…and that it wouldn’t be my girl that was staying with me if I had. It would have been Frankenstein’s Love Monster, stapled to me out of guilt and some warped sense of responsibility…and I don’t want that. I do know that she loves me, and I don’t think that this was easy for her. She’s making a call that I hate based on what is best for her life…and because I love her I have to respect that.

I told her simply, “I think that this is a mistake…but I’ll be out as soon as possible.”

Tonight I’m looking at a new apartment and tomorrow another. I don’t much care right now, so long as it’s not in the middle of nowhere and it’s priced right. I just want the space.

DC Cookie once wrote that she could be happy in losing her significant other because of how good a man he was and how good he was to her. That fact made it easier (but not easy) for her. And that always stuck with me.

It rings true now.

I have never loved more deeply, more truly, or more openly. I have never allowed myself to be as vulnerable, more exposed, or more weak…and none of those are bad things. I have been happier, more secure, and more in touch with myself than I thought possible…and for all of this, I am a better man and a better person. How can I be angry in the face of that? I may want to scream…but I don’t want to scream at her.

I will miss her every day we are not where I believe in my heart we belong. Even if she is standing right in from of me…I will be missing her.

Someone please pass the Patron.

This is our last goodbye
I hate to feel the love between us die
But it’s over
Just hear this and then i’ll go
You gave me more to live for
More than you’ll ever know


25 Responses to 'Must I Dream and Always See Your Face'

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  1. Arjewtino said,

    So, so, so sorry, man. Let’s grab a beer.

  2. Oh, I’m sorry. I’ve only read you for a couple days, and I’m still sorry.

  3. carrie m said,

    jesus…you totally did the right thing, which i hope is some *very* small consolation. i’m so sorry.

    in this weird blog world that we read in, i know we don’t know each other except for what we write, so if there’s anything i can do, don’t hesitate to email me.

  4. Jo said,

    I’m so sorry. Remember to keep busy while the worst of it is happening. Reading helps a lot too. So does drinking.

  5. DCVita said,

    I am SO sorry! I know nothing any of us say will make you feel better. But from what you wrote you are an amanzing person and she was lucky to have a man like you in her life.

  6. Kathryn said,

    Keep working on the basics – the place, the logistics – and deal with the full impact of the emotions after, when it inevitably comes.

    And the no-hysterics/begging policy is the best, though I am tempted to suggest you go ahead and let her read all of this now.

  7. Mandy said,

    Wow. I don’t know what else to say except wow.

    And I’m sorry.

  8. Brunch Bird said,

    Posts like this tend to feel like a message in a bottle, right? We’re all hearing you and hoping for the best for you.

  9. KassyK said,

    Oh man, I am so sorry. I hope that it works out for the best and that you guys end up together and happy and if not, I wish you ONLY amazing things. You are truly one of those stand up guys that every girl longs for and you deserve much happiness.

    If you and Arjewtino meet up for a beer, I’m coming with. šŸ™‚ We can all share war stories and get way too drunk.

  10. Maria said,

    You handled the situation beautifully. I was with my ex for 7 years but in between that I had wanted out because I knew that we would not end up together because of circumstances (even though I wanted it so badly and would’ve done anything for it). He begged me to stay … he played the guilt trip on me. When we broke up I hated him for it. Hated that I wasted all those years and still ended up with nothing. And I have nothing … not even the friendship is there. And he was my best friend ever. I haven’t been able to call someone that since. I don’t hate him anymore but it doesn’t change the fact that I felt it.

    I know I’ve said this before but you are truly a remarkable person and I’m so happy to hear that you are taking whatever positive ounce there is in all of this with you for the future. Take that and run with it. You need to be with someone who has no question about whether she wants to be with you or not. The answer should always be yes. Always. Whether you’re happy or sad. Upset or frustrated. In the dumps or on cloud nine. It should always be yes.

  11. I’m sorry to hear that you’re in pain, and hope that these transitions help distract for now, while you need it the most. I will keep thinking good thoughts for you.

  12. freckledk said,

    I’ll join you as well for that beer – and the Tequila shots are on me.

    Just know that it WILL be okay. Everyone has a different story to tell but, when you break it down, we’ve all been there – in one way or another.

  13. virglekent said,

    you handled it like a man, I’m very very proud of you. The Patron shall be passed don’t you worry abou that, fo sho

  14. SPM said,

    I am openly weeping over your post. I wish you well. What else can I say?

  15. I don’t know there are enough ways to say THANK YOU. I haven’t found ways to tell the people I know what has happened, and yet this community has given me ways to feel like I am not a failure.

    THANK YOU ALL. You don’t know what you have meant to me. I have no words to express it.

  16. Dupont said,

    I know it seems to be the repeated sentiment but… I’m so so sorry.

    I wish I knew what to say otherwise, but lacking that, if you need/want anything, please just e-mail.

  17. DCBrownie said,

    I am so very sorry. Having been there myself a few years ago, I know how painful it is. Shoot me an e-mail if you need to talk to someone who can relate.

  18. AmyD said,

    Damn…as a new reader of your site, I have to say I NEVER saw this coming, but I guess your old readers probably didn’t, either. I’m so very sorry for this latest turn of events. I do think you are going about this very respectfully and in the best way you can. 24 is young, and setting the Ex free might be the best thing for you. It doesn’t mean she won’t be back, but if she does find her way back home to your arms, it will be because it’s where she feels she belongs, and not because she feels forced to be there. That makes all the difference.

    Hang in there, and continue to remind yourself that it is the past heartaches that make us all the more able to love smartly and wholly in the future…everything will work out in time, I honestly believe that.

    Good luck finding an apartment, and keep us posted.

  19. Lee said,

    When I read your line, “She’s making a call that I hate based on what is best for her life…and because I love here I have to respect that”…it made my heart ache with you and for you. I was in that place two years ago, and know that nothing any of us say will make the hurt go away…but hopefully, knowing you have people out here sending you caring thoughts will make the hurt gentler to feel.

    Take care of yourself, and don’t be afraid to let the flood come as many times as it needs to…better to let it out than hold it in.

  20. brookem said,

    I know I’m late with the reply here… I am so very sorry to hear the news. I’ve only been reading your posts for a couple weeks now, but I want to extend my deepest empathy to you. I am so sorry for the tough time you are going through. Hang in there, and feel free to email me if you need to talk.

  21. snoopy said,

    I am sorry it came to this. I was in your shoes a few years ago when my ex-fiance dropped the break-up bomb on me about a month after we bought a condo. I did all the things you didn’t – I screamed, I cried, I yelled, I begged. The result was still the same.

    Take care of yourself right now. Look for a new place, get all those logistics out of the way, settle in somewhere new and then allow yourself to feel whatever emotions that come along. Let it out. Holding it in does you no good.

  22. MM said,

    I’m sorry. You handled it well. Don’t dwell on it, life goes on. Also, don’t listen to Jeff Buckley. Worst breakup music ever. You’ll be crying for months. Throw yourself into something else. Get a new hobby, take up an old hobby or just surround yourself with friends. You’ll get through this. Stay strong.

  23. mysterygirl! said,

    I’m so very sorry.

  24. Maria said,

    Marriage must incessantly contend with a monster that devours everything: familiarity.
    Honore de Balzac

    I came across this and found it interesting. Some people aren’t strong/brave enough to face that monster. Be glad you found out now.

  25. EDW said,

    I echo every other comment of “I’m so sorry”. I am. I feel like I should take you for a drink, if we were in the same city and actually knew each other and all that. Write about it if it helps, because here at least you can always go on and on if you need to. We’ll read.

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