Must I Dream and Always See Your Face
I wrote this ridiculously sad and jarringly depressing post called “Jeff Buckley Should Have Learned The Crawl Stroke”…then went back to edit it and realized that there was just no WAY I could spring that on an unsuspecting reader. Trust me, you’re glad.
So this is the best I can do…
It’s over. I am looking for a new apartment, and Fiance shall know be known as Ex-Fiance, and that assumes that I decide to keep writing. I may, I may not. I keep hoping that she’s going to hit the brakes and look at me and say “Wait WAIT…this is wrong, this is crazy”…
But the more I wait, the less indication I get that something like that is coming.
I am going back and forth between wanting to scream, the 1000 Yard Stare, and deep, deep breathing that either helps me keep it together or gets me right back to wanting to scream, depending on where my head is at. I do what all men do when faced with this…which is nothing. I say nothing. I do nothing. I’m fine. FUCKING FINE god damnit.
When we talked last night there were no answers…no excuses. Just mumbled “I’m sorry’s” and a few nonsensical half sentences. After awhile it became obvious that she wanted her life to herself, and I am now Persona Non Grata in her immediate world.
I was proud of myself in retrospect…I didn’t beg (though I wanted to) and I didn’t scream (though it crossed my mind)
I didn’t threaten or make ultimatums…
I didn’t accuse and I didn’t demand…
I realized that I didn’t want to force, con, or cajole someone in to staying with me when they don’t want to…and that it wouldn’t be my girl that was staying with me if I had. It would have been Frankenstein’s Love Monster, stapled to me out of guilt and some warped sense of responsibility…and I don’t want that. I do know that she loves me, and I don’t think that this was easy for her. She’s making a call that I hate based on what is best for her life…and because I love her I have to respect that.
I told her simply, “I think that this is a mistake…but I’ll be out as soon as possible.”
Tonight I’m looking at a new apartment and tomorrow another. I don’t much care right now, so long as it’s not in the middle of nowhere and it’s priced right. I just want the space.
DC Cookie once wrote that she could be happy in losing her significant other because of how good a man he was and how good he was to her. That fact made it easier (but not easy) for her. And that always stuck with me.
It rings true now.
I have never loved more deeply, more truly, or more openly. I have never allowed myself to be as vulnerable, more exposed, or more weak…and none of those are bad things. I have been happier, more secure, and more in touch with myself than I thought possible…and for all of this, I am a better man and a better person. How can I be angry in the face of that? I may want to scream…but I don’t want to scream at her.
I will miss her every day we are not where I believe in my heart we belong. Even if she is standing right in from of me…I will be missing her.
Someone please pass the Patron.
This is our last goodbye
I hate to feel the love between us die
But it’s over
Just hear this and then i’ll go
You gave me more to live for
More than you’ll ever know