I Now Pronounce You

Donald Fagan is a God -or- Letting It Out

Posted in Uncategorized by inowpronounceyou on March 21, 2007

As planned I looked at some apartments last night, and found one that might do the trick. It’s on the other side of town from where I am now, and I think that’s a good thing. Ironically enough it is in the same neighborhood that I first lived in when I arrived in DC. The “Full Circle” aspect was oddly comforting.

I then had dinner with Southie (cuz he lived in Southie, Boston…like Good Will Hunting, yo) and his GF Blondie (cuz she’s…well, yeah) last night. Apparently exFiance (Jesus, I looked at that for a good minute after typing it) had called wanting to meet up with Blondie, and she spilled the beans…so, the proverbial cat is now out of the proverbial bag. They chose to come and meet me instead. I loved them for that, but of course I then realized that it’s come to this…people choosing sides. We’ll divvy them up like so many other things. I hate that this is my life, but thank god for friends that have dinner with you and buy you drinks.

Personally, whenever people are dividing things up on the way out the door, I always think of that scene in St Elmo’s Fire; “NO SPRINGSTEEN IS LEAVING THIS HOUSE”.

We went to Bobby Vans (a place I rarely go) and ate, and then it was “let’s have a drink”…because that’s what you do when your friend is in a bad way. And I agreed…knowing I shouldn’t but thinking “this is a good thing…” We had one, then another, and then the questions started coming out. Did you know? How’d she tell you? Are you OK? I winced through some answers and before I knew it, another friend came, and the four of us sat there and joked and laughed and generally just propped me up.

It’s good to have friends.

The long and the short of it is that before I knew it, I was drunk…and it was nice. I wasn’t that weepy “OH GOD WHY ME” drunk. It was more of an appreciative, thankful drunk.

At one point, Southie and I found ourselves outside, where we had the following exchange;

“Ya know what you need, right?”

A new apartment and a stomach that doesn’t suck?

“Ya need to get LAID”…he said the word “LAID” like it was a holy, holy thing. OK, it IS a holy thing.

No, trust me, I don’t.

“No really. Trust me. You need to call what’s her name…”

Who? (I have no idea why I asked)

“That Mexican chick you used to date”

First of all she was Spanish. And secondly, she is completely insane, and that is not going to help.

“I thought she was Mexican….but either way you need to get laid…what about that hot black chick you dated back in the day?”

No, Southie, it’s not happening.

“You don’t know what you’re talking about…let’s get you another drink”

And that’s what we did…another drink. By the time it was all said and done I was, as I said, drunk…and feeling no pain. I jumped in a cab and headed home…the cabbie, god love him, was listening to Steely Dan.

In the mornin you go gunnin’
For the man who stole your water
And you fire till he is done in
But they catch you at the border

I love this song I tell the cabbie. The cabbie smiles and turns it up and I watch DC go by thinking of nothing until the chorus

and you go back, Jack, you do it again

And I think “I feel ya, Fagan…it’s the repitition that kills you…”

And I think about that fucking VK post…trying to unlearn. Just amazing stuff. And I catch myself getting a little overwhelmed and I think “not now…not in a god damned cab”. I don’t know why I don’t want it to come in a cab listening to Steely Dan, but I don’t.

I get home to find that exFiance (Still doesn’t feel natural to type that) is asleep, and I look at her and realize that I’m not wanted in that bed anymore, and my night is going to end on the couch.

And then it comes.

I sit at my desk and the flood comes, and it’s overdue. And it’s overwhelming…it just erupts out of me. I knew it was going to happen, but I was somehow hoping that I could make it until I was out of the apartment before it did….which of course makes me realize that once I am out of the apartment it’s probably going to come AGAIN, and that feels like a boot in the gut.

Get a grip I keep thinking…just get a fucking grip. Which I do…I realize I just can’t face the couch yet, and I log on…and what do I find?

The kindest, most supportive messages I could ever imagine. And of course they get me choked up again…these are people I don’t know. YOU are someone I don’t know…and you’re all being just unbelievable. Because when you want to reach out and there’s no one there, it’s the worst…but when you want to reach out and there are people reaching back for you, it’s just an incredible feeling. There is no other way to describe it, and depressed though I am…it helps.

Thanks to you for your thoughts.


28 Responses to 'Donald Fagan is a God -or- Letting It Out'

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  1. DCVita said,


    It is good to have good friends out there that you can drink with. I know you are going through a tough time right now. But it will get better with time. I promise you that. And you are still so young and have such a wonderful spirit that only good things are in store for you. Myabe you don’t see it yet, but they are there. And if you ever need to vent off any frustrations, feel free to do so with no judgements!

  2. carrie m said,

    your conversation with Southie reminds me of one of my favorite scenes from Say Anything, when a few guys are telling Lloyd what he should do to get over Diane. πŸ™‚ glad you had such a nice night. it seems that you are loved by many, which is awesome. *you* sound awesome!

    you know there’s a blogger happy hour next week, you should come and k, kassyk, arjewtino and i can ply you with booze once again. πŸ™‚

  3. Great friends are invaluable at a time like this – even when the advice seems a bit off, it’s great to feel the intent behind it, and know that there are people who will do whatever they can think of to help make it better.

    And if the messages you find here help, then I think they’ve done what was intended. Take care of yourself, and the rest will sort itself out for the best – I really think it will.

  4. LMNt said,

    Wow… I was so busy yesterday I didn’t have time to read any of my favorite blogs, so I guess I’m a little late to the party here, but I feel for you, man. We’ve all been there and it sucks. I’m in with all the other “let me buy you a beer” bloggers.

  5. Freckledk said,

    Yes, you should come to the HH. You’ll have Bloggers fighting over who can buy you the most drinks. But make sure to take the following Friday off work.

  6. marie said,

    I guess I don’t have anything to add that hasn’t been already said.
    The way you’re handling this difficult situation shows your true character. You are an amazing guy and I’m sorry you’re going through this.
    Your friends sound amazing and it looks like you’ll be making new ones pretty soon.

  7. Jo said,

    Oy, I almost started crying again.

    Nothing else is as helpful as friends during a break up. I’m glad you had someone you could talk to and let it out with.

    This too shall pass.

  8. Lisa said,

    I’m so sorry. I don’t know you but this made me ache for you. I’m sitting in front of my computer with big, fat tears running down my face. I don’t know that alcohol necessarily helps, but I for one am a big proponent of getting liquored up and seeing if it does. So I’m definitely in the “let me buy you a beer” group.

  9. Aileen said,

    You don’t know me but I’ve been thinking about your break up for days now. Paticularly because I was in your exf’s shoes at her age, and I pretty much did the same thing. I worry for her because my decision was not thought through- based on short-term fears. And- I have come to regret that past decision.

    And I feel for you because I’ve recently had my heart broken, and it’s been very painful. I keep telling myself I’m over it.

    I think the only advice I have is to give yourself time to grieve. If you feel like “losing it”, then lose it. It’ll feel good afterwards. And yes- spend lots of time with friends and loved ones.

  10. Edina said,

    I say go to the HH and hook up! πŸ™‚

  11. I echo everyone else; I haven’t commented before, but I’ve been reading, and I offer you my deep sympathies. Reading this site is like taking a time trip back to my broken engagement in 2000 — I remember the horrible, gut-twisting anguish that we both went through, and my heart just goes out to you. FWIW, we ended up getting back together and tried on and off to make it work for another five years, and I ultimately ended things in 2005. I’m now happily engaged to AUA, the best fiance in the world, and the contrast in the two relationships could not be greater. Even though I loved my ex a great deal, things were ALWAYS hard — with AUA, the entire relationship has been easy, simple and peaceful. Not all relationships have to be difficult.

    I’m blabbing now, so I’ll shut up, but I reiterate everyone else’s offer of drinks at the next HH. πŸ™‚

  12. AmyD said,

    Blogs have brought me new friendships, too. MANY. Some of them I’ve since met in real life, others I just feel like I’ve known for years. Definitely continue to write right now, and lean on your online community now; they need you as much as you need them!

    I’ve always half-joked that this quote was true:

    “Women get over it and then move on, men move on and then get over it…”

    when talking about break-ups, so I was very relieved when I read you had finally unleashed your sadness and let the tears run free. That’s half the battle. Don’t fight it, and keep on writing, as it can be very therapeutic.

    Hang in there…you give hope to many women that there is actually a great man out there just looking for an equal partner. πŸ™‚

  13. Red said,

    I’m sorry you have to deal with this but looks like you have some great friends and a great cab driver. :->
    Hugs and warm wishes to feel normal again soon.

  14. anon said,

    Don’t drink too much (alcohol is a depressant). Just get a little toasted, then go out and sing karaoke with your blogger friends to the tune of Lenny Kravitz’ “Is There Any Love in Your Heart” (“Baby, all that you care about is Gucci and Mercedes Benz…”) Even if it isn’t/wasn’t true, I bet you’ll feel better πŸ™‚

  15. anon said,

    And get your ass to the gym too for cardio (or just get some sunshine and walk around outside with some happy tunes in your Ipod). It works better than (almost) anything else πŸ˜‰

  16. Ryane said,

    Steely Dan is always good for what ails you…Good luck.

  17. Maria said,

    Just hang in there … you know what you need to do. And don’t forget to lean on the supports that you are blessed with ;).

  18. rcr said,

    Dude, I feel for you. I was living with the then love of my life, saving up for the ring with the idea of proposing in a few months. Then she hooked up with her ex-bf. It’s a life altering experience. Living together for the next 3 months while she looked for a place was nothing short of hell. But I used the ring money to buy a condo, and 4 years later at 29, I’m glad I’m not married. Or rather, I now realize that personal growth continues way past 25. But we’re still good friends, long after the scabs healed. The point is… well there’s no point. Life’s a rollercoaster, and take solace in the fact that highs always follow lows. You’ll be fine. Never lose confidence in the fact that you’ll be fine.

  19. Beth said,

    I’m sorry about all of this, but I know it’ll get better for you eventually. It’ll just take lots and lots of time. Friends are definitely important in helping you through all of this, and it looks like you have some good ones. Good luck on the apartment search; it looks like you found a good one already.

  20. Thanks to you all…I think that a round of shots, on me (that I can’t drink, but you go ahead…enjoy) is in order. Next HH.

  21. brookem said,

    hang in there…. thinking of you and wishing brighter days ahead are coming your way.

  22. snoopy said,

    I dont live near you – but if I did, I would buy you a drink. Its very good that you have people to lean on and talk to right now. I didnt when I went through it and it made it all that much worse. They won’t always know the right thing to say, and may often say the wrong thing (like “you need to get laid πŸ™‚ but they mean well and they just want to help you through it.

  23. MM said,

    It’s the worst when people break out the ‘you need to get laid’ speach. Sex is the last thing on anyone’s mind after a painful breakup (unless the sex involves the ex). I didn’t realize you still lived with her. That’s rough and awkward. I feel for you man. Keep your chin up. Hope to see you at the next HH.

  24. Genevieve said,

    I hate it when people assume I’m Latin American cause half my family speaks Spanish. We’re from Spaaaaaaiiiin.

    You’d think I’d have something inspiring to say since my financΓ© dumped me nearly 2 years ago but I don’t. I’m really sorry that happened.
    In time, it will hurt less.

    I’m glad you have good friends that chose your side. That always helps. πŸ˜‰

  25. Maya said,

    Oh. MAN!. Dude, I go away for a couple of days and ALL HOLY HELL BREAKS LOOSE. You poor man…..again as above, we don’t live anywhere near but if you ever find yourself on this coast, I know a guy that I think you’d get along great with (and I hear his wife’s ok too). Nothing to add, breaking up sucks, dumper or dumpee, No cheery words to add or those awful cliches “time heals all ….gag” etc but just a virtual pat on the shoulder and drink(s) of your choice. Now is not the time for agressive ex-sex, though…it’s the worst! Hang in there, bro.

  26. EDW said,

    This is an incredibly good post, just right in every spot and perfectly taking us through what you are experiencing – transitions and everything. And I completely approve of the drunken Steely Dan listening. They’re on tour again this year, BTW.

  27. Liz said,

    I read a lot of blogs on a fairly regular basis… I’ve never commented until now. This was by far one of the best posts I’ve ever read, from anybody, ever. You have more fans than you know.

    Rest assured, it will get better. Then it will probably get worse. In the end though, it will get better again. Do whatver you need to do to get through it and when you finally do, you’ll realize how much stronger you are than you ever thought possible.

    And hey, if you want to throw a pity party, don’t forget to invite the little people.

  28. […] Southie and the Blonde […]

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