I Now Pronounce You

Karma’s a Bitch

Posted in Uncategorized by inowpronounceyou on March 28, 2007

One of the things that I love about baseball is the superstition that inherently comes with any game that tracks every possible statistic that can possibly exist. When you are so steeped in the numbers, you are bound to get a little paranoid. Because everything that you do is tracked, you want to be able to replicate the good and get rid of the bad…you want to make sure that you can somehow, someway, be sure that whatever you did the day you went 3/4 with 4 RBI’s you can by God do again. And there are numbers that can show you the pattern. And the pattern can show you the way…if everything else is the same. Right? Huh?

Players get downright ridiculous about it…they will NOT mess with their karma. Their ju ju. Whatever you want to call it. Whether it’s Nomar’s borderline manic adjustment of his batting glove, Jeter’s one hand raised while digging in to the batters box, or Ichiro’s samurai style batting stance start…you can’t fuck with the rhythm.

Me? I was never superstitious. Not really. I used to do all kinds of things that counted as performances and games, and I never really had a preshow/gig/game ritual…which usually riled up anyone that did. “How can you just SIT THERE?! Aren’t you nervous?!”

Well, sure…but pacing and counting and retying my shoes and all that jazz isn’t going to change it. Chill out.

They never did chill out.

I can still remember Kid Brother, when he finally got old enough to really play basketball with me being absurdly superstitious about it. Once, when I ran off several straight, unanswered points to start a particularly vicious game of one on one (I think we were playing for who had to deal with some chore that had to be done) he stopped, took his ball to the side of the court and swapped it with mine.

“Bad karma”

It only got worse…and now he’s got three daughters. At some point it becomes OCD…I’m pretty sure of that.

However, as I’ve gotten older I have adopted a more…what’s the word…respectful approach to karma. For these purposes, I’m defining karma as:

Function: noun
Etymology: Sanskrit karma fate, work
1 often capitalized : the force generated by a person’s actions held in Hinduism and Buddhism to perpetuate transmigration and in its ethical consequences to determine the nature of the person’s next existence

I think if you live long enough and play close enough attention you can damn sure see some karmic shit in THIS existence. So, much like Earl, of My Name Is fame, I try and do the right thing. I try not to cut people off, I get out of my seat for the elderly or pregnent, and I don’t curse around kids (but that one took a lot of work) and all that jazz.

However, there’s also the karma from the Movie “Major League”…rubbing chicken bones on the bat because it can’t hit a curveball. That objects can have karma…that your soul can leave a residue on something and that “something” retains it and exhibits its characteristics. This is less official “karma” I know.

This one, I hate to say, I totally buy.

The sneakers I blew my knee out in? Trashed…and not at my house. In the dumpster up the street.

The Strat that was given to me by a very wealthy but ragingly psychotic ex-gf years ago? Gave it to the local Jr. High School for an auction.

The car I loved that kept getting hit? Traded in.

I hate admitting this, but it’s true. Objects to me hold far, far more karma than actions. You should just naturally try and be a good person…not for karma’s sake but your own. Even if you suck at it. But objects? Oh hell no I don’t want their bad karma around me.

And this is how I feel about the things in my apartment. ex-fiance and I had a long, but nice conversation this week about what I want to take from our place to the new one. The answer, surprisingly, is damn near nothing. I want to start clean. Hell, I’m moving in on the weekend before opening day!

I don’t want to jinx anything.

Then again…Pavano’s pitching. Maybe it’s already jinxed.



12 Responses to 'Karma’s a Bitch'

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  1. There’s definitely something to be said for a clean start, karmic and otherwise.

    To me, Karma is a manifestation of my own conscience – when something happens, my subconscious naturally tries to relate it back to something I’ve done before.

    She’s usually the one pointing out how I’ve screwed up, so my interactions with her are often less than cordial. Ah well.

  2. Listen, you don’t want all that bitch’s shit. Get your own. I left my ex to lie in our bed…asshole. I hope he never could get off in that thing. Start new. And stuff is stuff, in the end doesn’t mean crap. But make sure to take something from her that is definitely hers and that she likes so you can look at it and smile that she’s gone every time you see it. (I did that with the bank account…thanks honey for the trip to Paris, and London, and Prague…..)

  3. carrie m said,

    I like Dagny’s definition of karma. I try to live by the Golden Rule personally, because if I don’t want something to be done (or not be done, whatever the case), how can I do it? I do get weirdly superstitious about stuff though. I was just thinking yesterday about how as soon as I actually saved this guy’s phone number and assigned his name in my phone, a week later he dumped me. So I almost never program men’s names in my phone that I date until the DTR. So stupid. However, playing Warrant at my jr high talent show is still more stupid. And I survived that!

  4. Dagny; Great definition, and I can absolutely relate to the less than cordial internal debates.

    BBTY; we might have gotten off on the wrong foot, but that was hysterical. So you mean, like the cat?

    Carrie M; agreed…it’s a great deifintion. It still doesn’t keep me from tossing out anything that “wrongs” me! As for the guy…did he HEAR you playing Warrant? Cuz, you know…a guy can only take so much right up front.

  5. OMG you have a pet? TAKE IT. TAKE IT!!!!!

  6. EDW said,

    I couldn’t agree more about the bed and personal stuff like that…I could never keep that kind of stuff. it’s unfortunate that as a man, you most likely don’t have jewelry to sell, because that is fun. Selling it, getting the cash, and going on vacation somewhere warm with lots of booze. You practically dance out of the jewelry store…visions of frozen drinks dancing in your head.

  7. carrie m said,

    I don’t usually bust out the hair bands till they’re hooked. 😉 and remember, that was 8th grade. While I’m flattered (I think) you think me so youthful, that was back in the early 90s when cell phones were the size of my Dell desktops, and when I was even more awkward around guys.

  8. BBTY; no no…that cat is staying RIGHT where it is!

    EDW; yeah, you make out that stuff…wait…y’all SELL IT?!

    Carrie M; Probably a wise move. It’s a tough sell, that Cherry Pie singin’. I thought you might have busted it out at an open mic night…

  9. Arjewtino said,

    I do NOT believe in Karma or fate or destiny. Except when it comes to baseball. Gibson and Orel made sure of that in 1988.

  10. Arjewtino; I can relate. The Yankees did that for me in 1977….and 1978….then again in 1996….and don’t forget 1998-1999-2000…

    The other 20 I wasn’t around for.

  11. Maria said,

    I totally get you wanting to leave all that shit behind.

    I’m totally into books. My ex bought me this really (really) nice book (Wally Lamb’s I Know This Much Is True). It was hard cover … the pages were frayed. Total collectors item when it comes to books. This was a book that I totally had an attachment for because it came from him. I recently let a friend borrow it to read and remember saying to her, “please be careful with this book … it’s very special to me.”

    She had finished the book and was about to give it back to me when I told her to keep it and basically do whatever she wanted with it. That was HUGE for me to be able to do that. It felt good but felt sad at the same time.

    Good luck with the move.

  12. julie said,

    So that’s why we’re 11.5 games out??
    And our pitching has been awful.
    And we signed Clemens again.

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