I Now Pronounce You


Burn Baby Burn

Posted in Uncategorized by inowpronounceyou on April 22, 2007

And so in a trap of Christian rock and alcohol I catch myself posting and thinking…

I’ve been thinkin maybe I’ve been partly cloudy, maybe I’m the chance of rain
Maybe I’m overcast, and maybe all my lucks washed down the drain

Maybe I’m drunk but suddenly I think that I get why she left…and it sucks but it’s so RIGHT THERE. She was right. We weren’tsupposed to be a couple. We were supposed to be friends. And how did I miss that? I was out tonight and last night too with the coolest people you could write about (and nary a picketer no matter what some people may have hallucinated) and thinikng WOW…

Stars lookin at our planet watching entropy and pain
And maybe start to wonder how the chaos in our lives could pass as sane

And there I am…in the midst of this…and hearing these people tell me their stories…and they have STORIES…and I start to get it. Mine is nothing special..and WHY? Because this is LIFE. We ALL make the wrong call and we do it SO WELL..and so EASILY. And we have to FUCKING FIGHT OUR WAY back to the right path or die on the vine of futility. And then I think what am I fighting over?


Blame it on what you’ve been through
Blame it on what you’re into
Blame it on your religions
Blame it on politicians

And I start to see..and fuck you and your criteria…she was RIGHT. We are friends. And

I.

WAS.

WRONG.

She called it and maybe THAT’s what hurts; that I was wrong, Is my ego in the way? Am I in the way of what she was right about? Am I a sulking child? Do I want to lash out against myself and not her for what i was wrong about and she got before me? Could that be where my angst lives?

Did I want her to save me from, well…

ME?

What did i do to get so lost? When did I decide to hold someone so young and limited up to a standard that I could have never, EVER have held at her age? How did I say “let it ride” on a sucker bet? Aren’t I smarter than that? Shouldn’t I get that you don’t blame the long shot for not being more than well…

A long shot.

When did the man that gets the game so well so suddenly forget the rules?

Welcome to the planet
Welcome to existence
Everyone’s here
Everyone’s here
Everybody’s watching you now
Everybody waits for you now
What happens next

When did I decide that the safe bet doesn’t apply to me? When did I figure out that the long shot is the safe bet and how did I think that it’s all covered no matter the odds? How is it that the man that NEVER wanted this find the woman that never wanted it either and say MATRIMONY…

And now I’m shocked…..

Isn’t there something wrong with that?

Welcome to the fallout
Welcome to resistance
The tension is here
Tension is here
Between who you are and who you could be
Between how it is and how it should be

Yes, I can hold her accountable for saying “it’s time to move forward” and saying “Love Me or Leave Me”…that is hers. But I still came up with the answer and my answer was “Love You” Not leave you. And then it came…

She told him she’d rather fix her makeup
Than try to fix what’s going on.

And I’m stunned.

huh?

She asked me once what I missed most about boxing or playing live with my bands or being on the court…….and I said the dialed in feeling of being locked in to the moment. That if there were wars happening or people dying or sacrifices being made in the pursuit of perfection that I didn’t know at that moment…

And although I agree in all nail spitting anger…

I wish I could have given her that feeling just once.

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3 Responses to 'Burn Baby Burn'

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  1. Carrie M said,

    but how do you know you didn’t?

    the things with the biggest payoff are usually the riskiest bets. you should feel really good that you went for the big payoff and put yourself on the line, rather than sit by and watch and wonder what if.

  2. Dupont said,

    From what I’ve seen (true, as a bystander, not as an involved party), it seems that it hurts most to be the one who didn’t admit it first. Not because it’s an honest shock (once we realize, as you seem to, that it made some sort of sense), but because it ended on terms other than our own.

    Please don’t beat yourself up over taking the chance; like Carrie said, it’s something to be proud of.

  3. jess said,

    I agree with what the wise folks here have already said.

    I admire you for taking this as something you can grow with, but I agree with the others that you shouldn’t beat youself up. Long shots and safe bets apply to card games, not life. If you hold yourself to a standard of a game with set outcomes, you’ll come up short. If you hold yourself to a standard in which life has infinite possible outcomes, your risk was only in never experiencing the love you shared for longer than some do in a lifetime…. Easy for me to say, I know. Thus endeth the preachy.


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