I Now Pronounce You

Box Out!!

Posted in Uncategorized by inowpronounceyou on April 30, 2007

Anone who has ever played the game of basketball knows what it means when you hear those words screamed at you by a fat guy with a whistle. It means the shot is up, get a body on someone, and get that rebound.

The ironic think about the rebound is that like so many things in sports, it’s completely counter-intuitive. You would think that the biggest, tallest, widest guy on the court is going to get everything that comes near him…but yet, Charles Barkley (who ain’t that much bigger than me) lead the league in boards over and over again, and was one of the great rebounders of all time. Moses Malone routinely beat out taller and often stronger guys, even when he was 168 years old. Hell, Kevin McHale, the least athletic guy you ever saw was a great boarder.

It’s all about HOW you go about it. Positioning is clutch. So is desire. And so …

Aww fuck this analogy.

What is the right way to rebound after a relationship? It damn sure isn’t always to go out and get laid, but sometimes it is. It’s CERTAINLY NOT about jumping in to another relationship with the corpse of your past hanging on to your leg like something out of a Zombie (Not Rob Zombie…the other kind of Zombie) flick. I mean, how many times have you see THAT one work out?

I’m waiting…go ahead and count…

That’s right. Never. But how many times have you seen someone actually do it anyhow?

Yeah, you just cringed and winced thinking about all the times you seen it done or maybe (GASP) done it yourself.

Then of course there is the fine line between waiting it out and healing vs. waiting too long and becoming completely relationship-phobic (Medical term: Noyoucantsleepoverphobia) There’s a lot to be said for jumping back on the horse when it tosses you. Of course, if it kicks you in the head and gets its other horse friends to run you over a few times, you might want to wait until the broken bones heal, if not the broken heart.

What about rebounding with someone else who is rebounding? Does that change the occasion? Does that make it better, b/c you are both on the same page, or worse, because you’ve doubled your misery gene pool? This of course, being the Jeanine Garofalo/John Cusack relationship in Hi Fideltity, (A movie that years ago I tired of due to the constant “You know what you remind me of” moments) where they are together because of their shared hatred of their ex’s and the wallowing that ensued. Which, of course, ended immediately once one of them got in to another relationship.

So where’s the give and take on this? The one rule that I’ve always used for any of the infinite gray area “every one is different” type of situations in life is that if it (1) doesn’t make you feel worse in any way and (2) doesn’t send you on a bender of any size, it can’t be all bad. It’s not a Jedi Master lesson, but it’s served me pretty well so far.

“Conventional wisdom is for conventional people.” A very hip cat said that once. (Me, god damnit.) While trying to explain why I had made a bad decision. I’m not sure that I’m making a bad decision. But it certainly isn’t conventional.

And of course, I’ll get more specific at some point. To make sure there are no misconceptions,I am NOT jumping in to a relationship. Hell no. Fuck no.

In the meantime, make sure you get low and wide and box out when you go for a board.


25 Responses to 'Box Out!!'

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  1. Kathryn said,

    Yes, best to avoid monkey-swinging, not letting go of one person until you have the next firmly in hand…

    Also, I’m pretty sure you mean Lili Taylor, not Janeane Garofalo.

  2. carrie m said,

    I dunno, I feel like if you can have that carefree dating ‘relationship’ (I said the “r” word but I don’t mean it with a capital R) then go for it. But the problem with that is, it’s hard to find another person who can *be* truly carefree. Someone usually ends up liking the other person. However, I suppose there’s always that risk involved.

    I’m so not helpful. And for that, I’m sorry. 🙂

  3. Kathryn; I’ve never heard that phrase but Im totally usurping it. (“You’ve been usurped…U-SURPED”-Nelson) I can’t stand it when people do that…I used to call it safety netting, but your phrase works better.

    Lili Taylor…damnit. I always screw that up. Thank you for the correction.

    carrieM; I dig the effort anyhow. 🙂 Thanks.

  4. FWIW, a friend and I knowingly agreed to be each other’s rebound, several years ago. It was just good to have someone I genuinely liked around, and it was nice to be that person for him. It was never serious, or intended to be, and we’re still genuinely friendly, too.

    Sometimes, it works. I don’t think you can count on it working, but sometimes it does. Good luck with whatever you decide to do, conventional or not!

  5. Dagny; You know, that’s the second time this week I’ve heard of people doing that. And the 3rd overall…counting Hi Fidelity.

  6. The Punisher said,

    When I broke up with my girl awhile back a rebound is actually exactly what I needed. It’s nice to feel wanted like that after a relationship, but the key was we both knew nothing would materialize so there was no pressure. For your analogy’s sake, mine was more of a defensive rebound where I already had position really, and didn’t have to put myself out there to secure it.

    Also, you gotta use Barkley’s nickname man: Round Mound of Rebound. It’s so perfect.

  7. “What about rebounding with someone else who is rebounding? Does that change the occasion?”

    Auugghhh!!! I think people are full of emotional baggage. Most people have one thing or one situation that can always set them off because of a past experience. And rebounding even with someone else who is rebounding creates baggage even if you think it’s helping. Baggage is a sneaky bastard.

  8. Jo said,

    First of all, High Fidelity is one of my favorite movies of all time, second I’ve been there… oh, I’d say a good 4 times. The worst was the rebound that became a 2 year relationship and the biggest relationship mistake I ever made. That said, rebounds can be very good as long as you don’t let yourself fall too hard for the rebound or stick around too long.

  9. Punisher; The Round Mound…loved the guy. Thanks for the advice…your point is well taken.

    Some Catchy Chic; I don’t think anyone shows up for anything without baggage of some kind. It’s impossible. But the question is what can and does work…and I think that the answer more often than not is that there is no safe bet.


    Jo; this rocks. Don’t fall too hard or stay in too long. That’s just great great GREAT advice.

  10. John said,

    When you find a good answer to all these rebounding questions, I would be curious to know. This is the type of wisdom people actually need and never find in life.

  11. Helen Skor said,

    I did the “waiting too long” thing. Now I’m utterly clueless about the way the male mind works . . . it’s like being 32 with the relationship knowledge of 14 year old. It’s actually pretty pathetic. I think it’s because I put a timeline on when I should be ready to date again, and you really can’t do that. You’re ready when you’re ready, and most of the time, you don’t know for sure until you’ve started dating again.

  12. Kristin said,

    I think we’re all rebounding from someone or something. Just keep your head about you, have fun and box out.

  13. Airam said,

    Ah crap I think you’ve just diagnosed me with a new phobia. Or maybe that’s one of those bullshit excuses I make? Never mind then.

  14. EDW said,

    I like Jo’s advice. Personally, I’m a flirt and i like attention, so rebounding was more about staying in the game…never, ever take yourself out for too long. Even a flirtation that’s not going anywhere is good for the soul. But I think it really depends on who you are. Ready to be serious is a very different thing than ready to have fun.

  15. aileen said,

    I wrote a post about rebound relationships a couple months ago…you might find it interesting:


  16. jess said,

    I always thought the reason for not rebounding too soon after a serious, long relationship was not just about protecting yourself from hurt. But it was because, knowing how much it hurts to be hurt, you wouldn’t want to do that to anyone *else* knowing how it feels. Which a person is more likely to do because s/he hasn’t quite yet done whatever it is s/he needs to do to get over the most recent person.

    Does that make any sense?

  17. Kayla said,

    Learning to love yourself.. is the greatest love of all.

    (Yeah, I have nothing tonight… you know, I was up all night cause of the eastern market fire.. so my humor.. it’s pretty weak)..

  18. Justin said,

    Thank you. That is all.

  19. John; If I find answers to 25% of the questions I ask here this site is going PPV.

    Helen; I think that’s part of Noyoucantsleepoverphobia.

    Kristin; that’s kinda how I’m starting to think. Well, trying to start to kinda think…maybe. Grrr.

    Airam; Sorry about that…but i think LOTS of us have Noyoucantsleepoverphobia.

    EDW: A-FRIGGIN-MEN. I think at the core of what I was writitng about lies that last statement.

    Coupled with…

    Aileen; Anyone reading this and wanting some great rebounding rules…read Aileen’s post. Dead on, and thanks for sharing. Every one of those makes PERFECT sense.

    Jess; I think you’re a really, REALLY good person for thinking that way. To be completely honest, that line of thinking never entered my mental math.

    Kayla; I will now have the “Sexual Chocolate” version of the “Greatest Love of All” (From Coming to America …”that boy can SING!”) in my head all day.

    Justin; Anytime. Keep your chin up.

  20. WiB said,

    Heh heh. You said, ‘box.’

    Sorry. All this thoughtfulness was making my head hurt.

    I think there are no rules. I would just suggest that if you rate what you think you’re ready for on a scale of, say, 1 to 5, that you make decisions assuming you’re 1 less. Your biggest risk at this point is probably giving yourself too much credit.

    Charles Barkley is the best thing to happen to sports broadcasting in decades. Or maybe Kenny Smith is just that bad. Could be either one.

  21. Lisa said,

    The most intense – physical, emotional, you name it – relationship I’ve ever had was a rebound with a guy who was rebounding. Except for going to work, we pretty much never left my apartment for three months straight. I was completely exhausted, in a good way, all the time. I had no time to mourn my ex, or think about anything except this guy. Neither of us realized we were rebounding at the time. Because of course, we were madly in love. We were perfect for each other! Until the three month point, when real life started to creep in, and we started leaving the house, and we weren’t actually perfect for each other, and it ended suddenly and badly.

  22. Why won’t VKS allow me to comment?
    Why does that Roosh person require registration?
    Males of low self-esteem living in a culture of fear?
    I think VKS is afraid I may ‘spill the beans’.
    What do you think?

    “…I was completely exhausted, in a good way, all the time. …”

    Lucky cunt!


  23. WiB; fair points…and I think it’s a little of both. Chuck is that good (love the commercials with Wade) and Smith is that god awful. No wonder he drinks before he comes on the air.

    Lisa; Now THAT is a rebound.

    Vagina D; Well, since I’m not VK or Roosh, I really don’t know. What, exactly, would you be spilling the beans about? He’s already copped to be a Clown Fucker…is there more?

  24. ChaoticIntellect said,

    Lisa, I think what you wrote is truly a rebound. Classic. Right from the start. The fact that you never left the apartment!

    Some Catchy Chic – EVERYONE has baggage in one form or another. And if they say they don’t? Those are the worst. Because they are LYING.

    I think here, the thing is this. We ALL know people who have rebounded. And maybe we even know people who have rebounded with people who are also rebounding. Sometimes it works. Many times it doesn’t.

    But is it so bad? Is it really? If both people are being honest with each other. Does it change the whole classic rebound situation of the two people who are rebounding didn’t meet at some bar and end up at home together? Does it change it if the two people have known each other for YEARS? And heard each other’s shit for YEARS. Can THAT work? What if these two people suddenly see each other in a different way? What if they’re not leaning on each other and supporting each other. What if it’ more that after years of patiently understanding and listening from afar to one another about life’s ups and downs, you realize it’s that person you wanted all along? Is that a rebound if they knew each other FIRST before much of the bullshit? Is that NOT really a rebound after all? Instead maybe the realization that everything you THOUGHT you really knew was not true at all, and the person right there next to you who’s been there for YEARS might actually be what you were looking for all along?

    Food for thought. Life is not black and white. And if you all want to struggle and try to define what “rebound” means, and does it mean the same thing in all situations, then knock yourself out. Instead, WHATEVER may be going on, just look at it. Why does it have to be “defined” in such small terms? It is what it is. Figure out what it is. Then figure out if you want it.

  25. TracyLord said,

    So did you follow up to this? If so, in what post? I’m interested in the outcome. My first guy after my breakup was out of necessity for sex. Interesting how the physical trumps any emotional reservations. So I transitioned (instead of rebounded) with a bartender, thinking that he would be ideal – not looking for anything more than a ONS, hot body and most likely good in bed (def did not want my rebound/transition fuck to be bad) It was perfect, he was a Rockstar in bed, and the next day I dropped him off and said goodbye. I didn’t give him my number and he didn’t ask. End of story.

    Except that I get an email from him the very next day. Moral of the story: when sleeping with bartenders, be careful of paying with your credit card, esp when your name is google-able and will turn up contact information like a phone number and email address.

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