I Now Pronounce You


Me, My Broken Heart, and My Big Fucking Mouth

Posted in Uncategorized by inowpronounceyou on May 10, 2007

You know, you think you’ve got a handle on things. You cover your bases and say everything that you think gets you covered. And then you realize that you haven’t done any such fucking thing. You’ve said things and made statements that mislead and just outright suck. Not intentionally…not in the “if I string you along, you’ll fuck me” sort of way. God no. Jesus Christ NO. Not that way.

In an “I just let all of this go and I want it FUCKING BACK” sort of way crossed with a touch of the “we’ve been wanting to do this for years” and a dash of “in a vaccuum, not dependant on where we are right now, this could be a really good thing.”

I’ve known her since she was the oldest 19 year old you’ve ever met. Long story short, she’s getting out of something…and I said over and over this is NUTS. Too much. We’re both out of things that are bigger than we’re treating them.

We had an amazing week…it felt right. It felt god damned GREAT. It wasn’t quite playing house, where you deny that there’s any reason on Earth why this could POSSIBLY be a problem. But it’s right on the line. There’s sex. There’s emotion. At times, there’s way too much emotion, and in all fairness it’s been pent up for a long fucking time. This is one of those “what if’s”…

What IF we’d stayed close….

What if we’d gone for it back in the day….

What if what if what if….

And then, there’s where you really are.

Of course, just to give it a twist, she does something that pisses me off, and I do something that pisses her off. And for the first time in all the time that we’ve known each other….we have trust issues. I mean, can you stand this?

I know I know, you’re planning your comments now, loaded with words like “asshat” and “fucking moron” and “whatthefuckiswrongwithyou”…save it till the end kids. Save it till the end.

You KNOW you shouldn’t do something. You KNOW it. And then you do and you think, “well, I can totally deal with this…” and “Conventional wisdom is for conventional people” and all that fucking bullshit you spoon feed yourself. Because LORD KNOWS that you are covered….and you’ve both said everything that you need to say to make sure that you’re, you know…covered.

Covered is a joke. You’re never covered. Especially not when your wounds aren’t scars yet and you piss her off and she pisses you off and you can’t find an answer to the old questions and then there are new ones. The best you can do is look her in the eyes and be accountable. Because that’s what you do when you fuck up. You say “I fucked up, and I’m sorry.” You ditch the excuses, you look at your friend, and you own the fact that even though she pissed you off…you hurt her.

And you know, I KNOW you’re thinking “moron” and “I told you so” and all of that.

And to you, I say…

Yeah yeah. I know.

In other news, drop by some time and tell this guy something nice. A friend did this for me once when I needed it, and this guy is well…in an eerily similar (and I do mean EERILY SIMILAR) situation. He’s a soldier. He’s writing about what he’s dealing with. He’s sacrificing for something he believes in and if you believe in love and recovery, sacrifice a minute of your time and send him your thoughts.

Cheers brother.

Lastly, I did something that I haven’t done in a long time; I sent my mom flowers. She and I don’t talk all that much. A lot of “I don’t understand you” from her and “You make much more sense to me when I have a cocktail or 27” from me. Honestly, we haven’t spoken since exFiance and I split up. Not a word. I assumed she knew, but really I didn’t want to get in to it with her. But today the Lilies I sent her showed up (a little early…fucking florist) at the library that she works in..and she thought they came from her husband (with whom she’d had a fight…which is usually MY specialty.) and didn’t open the card. Which would have totally been our karma right there. She blames the husband for the fight and the flowers, and I get the passive aggressive “thanks for blowing off Mother’s Day”…

But apparently, she read the card, burst in to tears that her long lost slightly neurotic loud mouthed needy ass candy fucking son sent her flowers for Mother’s day that showed up a half a week early. And she called me, which is ummm…well….let’s just say that “518” rarely if ever shows up on my cell phone. Nice conversation that started with me saying “they showed up TODAY?!”.

It’s the thought that counts kids. Well…most times.

Advertisements

16 Responses to 'Me, My Broken Heart, and My Big Fucking Mouth'

Subscribe to comments with RSS or TrackBack to 'Me, My Broken Heart, and My Big Fucking Mouth'.

  1. freckledk said,

    I don’t know the whole story (don’t know any of it, in fact) and am sorry if this sounds callous, but do you think that perhaps there is a bit of self-sabotage going on with both parties? She said something. You did something. Did either or both of you attempt to burn a bridge because the idea of crossing it was too daunting a task in your present conditions?

    Nothing is irrepairable if you don’t want for it to be. Take a step back, both of you, and try very hard to see the situation through the other’s eyes. A mutual understanding of what prompted your falling out, be it fear, anger, whatever – wearing the shoes of another may help you find the empathy that is needed to forgive and forget.

    If this is someone that you care for, and if you are someone cared for in kind, it may still go in its desired direction – wherever that may be.

  2. shadowsofourselves said,

    freckledk – that was an extremely insightful response. My guess is that even though she’s EXTREMELY sorry she pissed him off, she didn’t do it as a form of self sabotage.. Even though it may appear that way. I think she loves him. Maybe that scares INPY. Pretty crazy shit. On INPY’s end? I don’t know.


  3. Time-delay nerves are a bitch, aren’t they? Unfortunately, we don’t always have the luxury of really knowing what we want, until we get a chance to give something a real shot.

    I agree with Freckled K – nothing is irreparable. You just have to have faith that you’re both the people you’ve known and liked and respected, up through and including the current situation.

    [hug]

  4. shadowsofourselves said,

    Don’t know why the little link didn’t show up to click on my name. Let’s see if it does now.

  5. freckledk said,

    irreparable! that spelling error is going to bug me all day 🙂

  6. Dupont said,

    Just wanted to say: good luck with the good fight. I know there are probably far more appropriate things to be said to this, but really, other than buying you a strong drink sometime, maybe patting you on the back or offering you a hug – what else is there to do besides say good luck?

    I love that you know that being accountable is what needs to happen in some situations – it’s a huge pet peeve of mine that some people just can’t do it. Says so much about you *hugs*

  7. LMNt said,

    It’ll all work out, one way or another. I feel for both of you.

  8. Arjewtino said,

    Freckled K is not just another pretty face… that’s some pretty good insight, which we tend to ignore when it’s happening to us.

    Put your faith in Jesus Christ and everything will be ok.


  9. Thanks y’all. It is what it is and I made my own bed.

    But, AJT; if you go all Jews for Jesus on me I’m scheduling an intervention. Those folks are scary, yo.

  10. Kristin said,

    Um, I completely forgot about Mother’s Day. I bought a card three weeks ago, but then I went to New Orleans and kind of forgot everything… I hope you find a little peace with the friend. And the mom. I feel no need to call you “asshat.”

  11. redhead said,

    Maybe the sex caused an upheaval for the just the short term. You both didn’t realize that there were emotions lying under there that had to surface. Sometimes, that happens. I’m not sure what happened to piss you two off at each other, but you two sound like long-term solid friends.

    I suspect this will blow over, especially since it seems that both of you tried to talk about boundaries ahead of time. Sometimes, though, we don’t think about all of the consequences because we can’t seem some coming. That’s were faith comes in. Any you’re definitely not an asshat.

  12. Justin said,

    “The best you can do is look her in the eyes and be accountable. Because that’s what you do when you fuck up. You say “I fucked up, and I’m sorry.” You ditch the excuses, you look at your friend, and you own the fact that even though she pissed you off…you hurt her.”

    Profound.

    Wonder why it’s so hard for some people?

    And to those that would say it is the result of maturity, well… I’d tell them to piss off. I’ve known plenty of grown ups who just *cannot* say they’re sorry. Or at least **mean it.**

  13. Justin said,

    …and thank you, INPY. Even when you weren’t trying, you were already doing something nice for me.

    Incidentally, email me. You’ve a new friend in me, and we *are* gonna plan that night of drinks.

    ~J

  14. jess said,

    I want to say something smart — but you know what I think: I’m not smart enough to understand what’s right for other people. I’m barely capable of knowing what’s right for me. But I do believe sometimes that the hardest things are the ones that mean the most to us in the end because they are worth it.

    Damn, I love the word asshat.

  15. Virgle Kent said,

    Dude I love you…. let’s hug it out bitch…… did tha sound gay??? mwha ha ha ha ha……

    seven days……


  16. VK; it’s never dull is it, yo?!

    Call it 6 at this point.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s


%d bloggers like this: