I Now Pronounce You


Gin, Ninja Presentation Skills, Drunken Songwriting, and Yelling…and Did I Mention Gin?

Posted in Uncategorized by inowpronounceyou on May 30, 2007

It’s been a while since I’ve sat down to actually put any of my thougths to digital pen and paper. That’s mostly because I haven’t really had a thought worth a damn since last week. But, here is a brief synopsis of my 3 Day Weekend…which was a bit more eventful than I originally thought it would be.

Saturday: Up at 8 and working from home. The first, oh, hour or so I was a bitter, bitter INPY. “Stupid fucking (Insert name of govt. agency here) get your own stupid fucking people to do this stupid fucking presentation grumble grumble curse word curse word”…

Then I got rolling. And I mean, rolling. Pacing my apartment giving this imaginary presentation to imaginary stakeholders. Hand gestures, vocal inflections…the whole thing. I’m not a “do it on the night” kind of actor. Oh no folks. I work that shit out. When you see me present, everything I do has been rehearsed a thousand times. By early afternoon, however, I poured a G&T. Now, the funny thing about this is that you have to realize; in the back of my mind I was thinking that I would call exFiance later that day. So, I’m sipping my G&T, practicing my presentation, and thinking about that phone call.

But 4:00? The presentation? Not so much.

Saturday Late Afternoon; My favorite S. American Jew and I had a meeting to discuss important blogger business with the Guru of Game. We got down to business, I got down to more G&T’s, and by the time it was all said and done…well…I was feeling no pain.

And I was NOT calling exFiance.

Saturday Night; INPY and his guitar. Bonding. It was great. SO GREAT. I was doin’ it Hank Williams style, yo. DRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRUNK and writin’. Testifyin’. Lettin’ it OUT. I am convinced that I have forgotten and least 2 Grammy Winners in my life.

…and then I got contacted by someone that…well…how do I say this?

You know there are things that happen that you just can’t believe are happening. You know, like being blindsided where you look at the people involved and you say “Are you fucking kidding me?” and your first inclination is to toss them both out the window of a very high building but you then realize that you will NOT do well in prison so you instead give the double bird FUCK YOU and flee the scene?

OK, well, I got the “let me explain” Saturday night.

So, me, G&T, bad songwriting (Oh it was CLASSIC…I’ll recap what I can recall later) and then POW.

But I listened, and it made sense. Actually, I listened. Then I yelled. Then I listened. Then I yelled some more. It was like that, yo. It was chaulk full of “You cannot be FUCKING SERIOUS” and “I don’t even want to fucking hear your voice” at first, and then mellowed in to a nice “Why the fuck would you think that’s OK” and “what am I supposed to think?”…

But it ended pretty well.

Sunday: Finishing touches on the presentation, which bythe way I am giving in just about 2.5 hours. It rocks. I’m just that good. Then a BBQ excursion with some friends which was very, very hip. The kind of thing where you look around and think “MAN I’m a lucky fucker…I’ve got some really cool friends”. I also wrote another song for a friend who is terrified of thunder and lightning. It goes;

Shut up bitch, shut up bitch,
It’s just a little thunder and lightning
OH!
Shut up bitch, shut up bitch
it really isn’t all tht FRIGHTENING!

OK, you MIGHT have had to have been there. This was sung with TOTAL affection. Once home, soaked from the rain and shivering from the AC, it was to the couch with On Demand and bad movies.

Monday?

Not a god damned thing.

For the record; I never did call exFiance. Somehow I feel like it’s going to be a drain that I’m just in no way shape form or fashion ready to deal with and quite honestly, I dig my headspace and don’t want to mess with it.

My presentation? Bangin’. I’m now looking forward to giving it. I’m tellin’ ya, it’s going to be a friggin’ masterpiece. There might be tears. Most likely applause. Kind of like when Ralphie gets the A+++++++++ on his Red Rider BB Gun Essay. For rizzle.

My screaming, shouting, go fuck yourself, why would and how could you blow out? Best thing that could have happened. SOMETIMES confrontation is a good thing. I like to hit things right on the head. Not always the best approach, but this time it did the trick.

OH! And that drunken ditty I was writing on Saturday? From what I can make of the notes I took…

My drunken fingers
They seem to linger
on this out of tune E string
I just might break it
It just won’t take it
and I wouldn’t change a thing
Cuz when it’s broken
It’s left unspoken
and you pour another drink.

I am a drunken genius. 😉 I love drunk songwriting. The key though, is to record it so you can listen to it when you sober up. That way if it’s good (which it SO rarely is) you haven’t lost it in a haze of chords you can’t. quite. recall…

And if it’s bad (which is SO often is) it’s wildy entertaining. These lyrics cracked me up.

Of course, the E string did indeed break and I did indeed pour another drink. And then I also kept playing with 5 strings because honestly? At that point there was just NO WAY that I was going to get a new string on to that guitar.

And that, kids, was my long weekend.

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16 Responses to 'Gin, Ninja Presentation Skills, Drunken Songwriting, and Yelling…and Did I Mention Gin?'

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  1. Jo said,

    Sounds like an excellent weekend!

    Funny thing about drunk songwriting, you never realize how stupid you sound till the next morning. My friends made a video of a bunch of us improvising and songwriting, at the time we thought it was the greatest song ever. Then we watched the tape.

  2. gn said,

    Haha when I first clicked on your blog this morning I thought it was the same post from last week (just based on the title).

    P.S. You scare me a little bit.


  3. “No, there is too much. Let me sum up.”

    Glad to hear things turned out well for you this weekend! I suspect my life could use a little more confrontation from time to time, too – clearing the air is where it’s at. 🙂


  4. A video? You are far more brave than I. My friends and I used to have drunken jam sessions and run everything through the board to listen to it…dear GOD it was painful.

    gn; Scared? Of me?

    Dagny; “To the pain” And yeah, sometimes it’s just a necessary evil. The yelling and screaming will, if nothing else, clear the air, right?

  5. Lisa said,

    I know you’re a really nice guy but by the same token, I would be all kinds of scared to make you mad. And I absolutely love gin, but it can be a little craze provoking, I think. On my list to read is a book about gin in 18th century London.


  6. Lisa; This is twice I’ve heard that today!

  7. Average Jane said,

    BEST! SONG! EVER! Now, we need to record it, loop it, and get it to my brother… stat.

    It was so good to see you Saturday. So good. This summer is just starting, and we’re going to make it a doozy.


  8. See?! Average Jane isn’t afraid of me! Glad you liked the song, love. I’ll have to put some chords to it…where’s my gin?

    And, as a note: the presentation is DONE and it was BAD ASS. If any of you would like to hire me to come give presentations to you, please feel free to contact my business manager.

  9. Virgle Kent said,

    Actually if you argue the crime of passion angle when you throw people out of a window you’ll only serve max five years and you’ll be out in three with good behavior. Not like I’ve actually put any thought into something like that.

    By the way you have pretty lips (no homo) so you’d do well in jail. They won’t kill you


  10. VK; see, it’s a good thing you didn’t tell me this before hand…5 years? Hmmm? Wait. Pretty lips? Prison so ain’t my bag, baby.

  11. Average Jane said,

    Your gin is with my soco and lime. We’ll have a cocktail exchange at our next meetup. Although, a nice box of wine would do just as well.

  12. Original Me said,

    Ha! A “Five String Serenade” is what that was. A Mazzy Star song, I couldn’t resist it…


  13. AJ: I don’t do the boxed wine thing, yo…I’m wicked cultured.

    OM: MAZZY STAR! Well played! Well played indeed!

  14. Irina said,

    Sometimes I have to physically leave my phone at home or hide it from myself to not make that phone call. How many times have you diled the number and never pressed send? At first it’s like every day, then a few times a week, then a few times a month…and then you’re officially done. Sigh.

  15. Roosh said,

    Tomorrow you will have email about the important business

  16. cheerfulcynic said,

    I feel like I need to somehow get involved in this drink exchange. Average Jane, have we met? If not, please remind me to make your acquaintance. I’ve lately rediscovered SoCo and lime after a long long absence. (PS – I’m a girl, and straight, so this is friendly, not creepy, etc.)

    INPY – I’m glad you didn’t call exFiance. 1. Too much gin = too much honesty and it’s probably too soon for that given your, you know, uncontrollable rage and whatnot; and 2. if you actually become friends with exFiance, I might become emboldened to become friends with exHusband, and I’m so completely not there yet. I know it’s selfish, but seriously, for all of us angst filled bitter exes out there, can you wait a week or two?


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