I WILL Make You Dinner, But We Are NOT Listening to Tori Amos
I had a great email exchange with a bad ass New Yorker last night that got me thinking about some things. Most notably the whole Alpha/Beta-Notch v. Relationship saga. Once it was in my brain I couldn’t really stop mulling it over. I don’t think all of this is as linear as I’d like it to be, but so what? Make of this mess what you will.
The first thing to understand before I dive in to this is that this guy is a friend, and I do not have any issue whatsoever with what he says or the game that he preaches. In fact, I think he’s dead on accurate with a great deal of his beliefs. He has an understanding of this ever changing Battle of the Sexes world we live in, and I think most people could learn a thing or two (or ten) from him. I mention this only because it seems like people want to divide the world into two camps and those two camps must be in complete conflict over every aspect of the dating world. Those camps are; Notch Collectors v. Monogamists.
Now, I reject this notion. Completely. I also reject that when I was home with my exFiance on a Saturday night making dinner and getting ready to watch 2 netflix (one chick flick and one horror movie) that I was any less of an Alpha than the Alpha at the bar who was wondering if the hottie he was chatting up wanted her eggs scrambled or fertlized in the morning. (All props to 200 Cigarettes, I know)
Here’s the way I see the world.
I dig Monogamy. I prefer it. I don’t need OR want to collect notches, but I’m pretty certain that I’ll be adding more as my life progresses. Having said that, I am not desperate enough to commit to any woman after a few dates and say that we are “exclusive” and I’m damn sure not wife hunting. I don’t bend to the will of just anyone, but as she earns a bigger place in my life I will compromise. Not sell out. Not cease being me. Compromise.
The idea of the Alpha/Beta male is something with which I do, indeed, agree. I have seen many, many men lead around by their noses because a woman was willing to sleep with him…once she did, that was it. Different clothes (not always bad, admittedly) different “likes”, different friends, and just a different person entirely…yeah, seen it. I have also, however, seen just as many women who starve themselves, dumb themselves down, and perform sex acts they don’t really want to do, all in the interest of hooking and keeping a man.
Call me crazy, but I see very little difference between those two things.
Honestly, I don’t want any part of either. I won’t be that guy (and you won’t like trying to make me in to him) and I will NOT date that girl. I wouldn’t say that I never have because that would be a lie. There was a time when INPY was…well…very different. I had to kill that INPY and replace him with this one because living the life he wanted was exhausting and empty. Getting engaged was NOT that point at which it changed. It was long, long before that. Getting engaged was the RESULT of that change.
And, if you think that getting ditched has made me regret those changes or made me wish I could go back and not do it?
You clearly don’t get it.
As for the Guru of Game and why I agree with him?
Look, men and women are different. We need different things. The game and why it works (and it does work, let there be NO doubt about it) is all about tapping in to those needs and differences to achieve a desired result.
However, those some principals can also be applied to have a happy, healthy relationship. They can. “Paying attention to certain details and ignoring others to get a blow job” can and does translate to “remember when your GF says something to you that is important and comment on it later and don’t get caught up in all of the emotional highs and lows will get you all the freedom to be yourself in your relationship.”
If you want to have a one night stand? Pretend to listen to her. Make her think she’s got your attention, but let her know that you could walk.
If you want to be happy and supported in your realtionships, listen to her…do NOT pretend. Listen to her. But don’t be at her beck and call and act like you’d die paint her toenails. Don’t be a slave. Be a MAN, but be a man that remembers and cares about the details of her life. I mean, if you can’t do that…what the fuck are you doing with her anyhow?
Now me? I’m a romantic. I fucking hate to admit this sometimes because it inevitably leads to that look…you know that look. That “you’re a Beta” look…and that is some seriously absurd shit. But c’mon, you know it. Everyone “knows” it. But INPY is hear to tell you that it just ain’t true. Just because I’m a romantic does NOT mean that I’m thinking about our future on our first date. HELL NO. You’ve got to earn the romantic in me. Earn it. It’s NOT just given to anyone and it’s not given away lightly. And just because I’m a romantic that digs monogamy doesn’t mean that the idea of adding nothces that I know aren’t anything more than notches is out of the question. Get serious. We all do it. This is what I mean by rejecting the idea that you’re completely one or the other. That’s lame and weak. And really? It’s the tactic of scared people and scared people to me are Betas.
Then again, that’s just me talkin’.
But the deal is like this for me; if you make me feel like I’m the only man in the world I’m going to make you feel like you’re the only woman in the world. It doesn’t mean we have each other on a chain (well, sometimes, but that’s different) but it does mean that we meet each other’s needs. I’m a man, I need space. I need a life outside of “us”. And I need you to not make me fight you tooth and nail for that and to allow me to be a man. And be feminine for me, not a pushover, but feminine. You want to fight me on every detail to earn my respect because you’re my equal and that’s how it’s done? You just lost it. I do that with the guys. With you I want it to be different. I don’t want a pushover, but I damn sure am not interested in dating the guy that wanted my starting slot on the basketball team. I want a woman. A strong woman who knows how to work with me.
Your’e a woman, you need to know that the space I need has nothing to do with you. And you need to know that you’re being heard. And respected, and cherished. Not treated like a princess and kid gloved, but that I want you more than I want an undefined “something else” out there. I can’t be a girlfriend, but i can be a confidant. It’s up to ME to be that, and to do it well. If I get all…well…beta, and try and be Mr. Sensitive Pony Tail Man (Thank you Singles) for you, you are going to see that I’m not being masculine, that I’m feminizing myself for you and that’s going to bleed in to all kinds of things. But if I can listen to you, be strong for you when you need it AND let my defense down and be well, gentle, for you when you need it? You’re going to feel like you’re in…like you’re not always banging your head against my walls. And that’s going to let you feel safe enough to be feminine without feeling like you’re compromising that strength that you and your mother and your grandmother worked for.
And I dig that strong part of you. Just like I dig that soft side of you.
I think I’m probably rambling now…I mean, look, don’t listen to me. CLEARLY I am not the man to take relationship advice on…I mean, Hookers and Liars and Cold Feet, OH MY! But I hate seeing this Battle of the Sexes go from a game show to an armed conflict. I don’t have answers, I just have this big mess of ideas.
But if we can be what I’m doing a crappy job of explaining for each other, why the hell wouldn’t I make dinners and send flowers? Why wouldn’t I rent a B&B in the middle of nowhere for us to drink wine and curl up by a fireplace and let you just unload all of your stress? Or buy you the dress that I want you to wear to dinner and that movie you want to see?
If we do that, why would you care if I went out with the boys? Why wouldn’t you be in to being tied up and talking dirty and things you would think are “slutty” but with me are OK? Why wouldn’t you come to a Yankees game and do shots with me at the Yankees bar across the street and eat hot dogs?
I think we’re overcomplicating all of this. Then again, like I said; I really am the wrong guy to take advice from on this whole thing.