I Now Pronounce You

$5 Baseball Tickets, Sanford and Son, and One Angry Geek -OR- “There’s No Crudites in Baseball”

Posted in Uncategorized by inowpronounceyou on June 7, 2007

Last night a wayward bunch of drunken bloggers attended a $5 Nats game. Now, I know this sounds like the beginnning of a bad joke (“A bunch of bloggers walk in to RFK…”) and…well…it kind of is a joke. What seemed like a great idea, hatched from the mind of one of my HH co-hosts and I turned in to…ummm…a surreal experience.

Let me recount the ways;

First, just getting everyone together to go to the ticket trailer was an exercise. I mean, it’s the Pirates, so there were maybe 500 people in RFk. (Not counting players, but that does count concession workers.) We could have just bought any ticket and sat anywhere. But like the blind leading the blind, we were a mess of ringing cell phones and “What entrance are you at” and all kinds of mess. However, it was once we got there that the real fun began.

Arjewtino and I almost immediately realized what we had done. How? Well, as baseball addicts, we look at starting pitchers…lineups…you know; BASEBALL. What was the majority of our crew looking at? Ryan (Don’t Call Me Kyle) Zimmerman’s ass. Apparently, it’s Bootylicious. I have no opinion on the matter, neither does Arjewtino. However, that put us smack dab in the minority.

Our second little hint that something was amiss? Crudites. That’s right. Someone who shall remain nameless (but not linkless) proceeded to pull out of her bag a veggie fucking platter. Now,if you’re thinking “But, INPY, what’s wrong with that?” you are not a baseball person. Im sorry, you’re just NOT. Smuggle that in to a John Tesh show…maybe a Full Contact Yoga Tournament. NOT a baseball game.

What do the rules say you are allowed to sneak in to a baseball game? Hard liquor. That’s it. That’s the ONLY answer. Case closed thank you for playing. HARD. LIQUOR. That is the only answer our judges are accepting.

Now, you might be a bit confused and asking, “So, what do you eat at a baseball game?” OK, commie, here are the acceptable answers;

Hot Dogs
Sausage and Peppers
French Fries

EDITOR’S NOTE I forgot and was reminded that Peanuts are a totally cool baseball food.

EDITOR’S NOTE II CRACKERJACKS! How could I forget crackerjacks?!

And I am warming to the Red Hot and Blue BBQ that is being served in RKF.

Crudites?! No. Hell no. This isn’t the French Invitational Badminton Tournament.

But I digress, lest you think that I am saying this game was a bad idea. Let me clarify. From then on (post veggie delight) it was great. Totally great. We had more Yankees fans (4) than anything else. This of course, makes me very happy. And once we settled in it was on. The game got going right away with a few runs, the beer was cold, the hot dogs were deeeelish, and our group swelled up to a rather impressive 15-20 (that’s including a group of guests that one blogger brought)

Then I saw him…he was THAT baseball fan. The grown man with a glove, radio, and scorecard who youjust KNOW never went to his prom and has painted many action figures in his life. And he was NOT HAPPY. How did I know he wasn’t happy? Because he stood at the end of the aisle looking at us, then his ticket, then us, then his ticket. Not saying a word…just glaring.

I know what you’re thinking. I do. “Dude, you were in his seat! NOT COOL”. I would agree with you except for one thing.

There were approximately 20,000 empty seats around us. It was a SEA of faded red seats in which he could have put his but and yet….this went on for quite awhile..it got comical. He’d look around and make sure that no one was coming for the seat he was about to sit in…sit…look at this ticket…get up, look at us…

I wanted to offer him some valium. I mean, for real…CHIIILL WINSTON! But, well, if I’d HAD any valium, I’d have taken it my damn self.

Eventually he got the idea that all 20 of us were not moving, that he wouldn’t really like hanging out with us (although he was eyeing that veggie platter) and went to find a seat. But damn he was entertaining.

Moving right along…the next thing that I have to share is that all day long I’d had the theme song from Sanford and Son stuck in my head. You don’t even KNOW the misery this caused. It simply WOULD. NOT. STOP. I was typing up a document and humming it…making up words to it…singing it in the hall way. You don’t know the horror. My coworkers were pleading with me to stop. Then threatening me. You might ask why this is relevant…well, I’ll tell ya…

Towards the end of the night it came back. And I started singing it again. And it was like watching a virus jump from person to person. Suddenly we are making up the most vulgar, yet hysterical, lyrics to that song that you can possibly imagine. It got out of hand FAST. Now, do NOT blame me. I read this post and that’s what got me started (read the comments, you’ll see…) down this road. Conveniently, she left before this began…

And just so that you can share my pain.

(I warn you..it will be in your head all GOD DAMNED DAY…and yes, hearing this version is FAR WORSE than hearing the actual theme song)

Told ya.

And just so that you know and because I am all about full disclosure…I pulled maybe the ultimate uncool baseball fan move and left early, only to have the Nats win on a bases loaded wild pitch.

See, you leave early, the Baseball Gods punish you. Simple as that. You eat salad at a baseball game? Ditto. Do both and you’re just askin’ for it. Beggin’ for it. And, if you get the Sanford and Son theme song stuck in the Baseball Gods’ heads at a game that you left early but during which you ate salad and focused on the 3rd baseman’s ass?

You’re just not going to get out unscathed.


25 Responses to '$5 Baseball Tickets, Sanford and Son, and One Angry Geek -OR- “There’s No Crudites in Baseball”'

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  1. Arjewtino said,

    I am SO fucking pissed that we left early…the Bucs actually came back and tied it? The Nats pulled out an exciting victory? God damn it, I knew we were in trouble with the coup d’etats or whatever you call raw veggies and the chicks all talking about their hair and baking and pillow fights or whatever it is they talk about.

    We should have our baseball creds put on notice, INPY. The only way to get back in good standing with the baseball gods is to do that road trip: no chicks, just baseball, beer, and buddies.

    Still, that one Sanford and Son parody we did was great…so wrong, but so great.

  2. carrie m said,

    Okay. While I loathe the song, I will say I loved watching the clip. You’re right, it’s much funnier, and now I have “Quiet down now!” in my head. I might start answering my phone like that.

    How did I miss the baseball geek glare-down session? You should have pulled out the “that’s not my problem” like you did on the phone by the ticket trailer. That would have inspired the fear of the baseball gods.

    And could you pass me a handi-wiiiipe. I HATE YOU.

  3. Arjewtino; First, Big Poppa Vince sent me a text saying that we’d missed a great ending andI almost snapped.

    Second; We’re going to Pittsburgh. We got put on notice against the Bucs, we redeem ourselves by roadtripping for baseball right back to their house.

    Lastly; I wasn’t going to say it, but that S&S parody that we came up with so wrong, but so perfect.

  4. WiB said,

    As a public service, I offer the Scrubs antidote to the S&S theme song problem:

    In the related videos along the bottom, you can go get the Colin Hay (lead singer of Men At Work) clip where he’s playing “Overkill” acoustic. That should help.

    Or, go look up “it’s all about poo,” which is also a worthy Scrubs musical watch. Or just a good way to avoid working. Take whichever rationale suits you best…

  5. INPY … hilarious. Those girls are banned from further group outings. I’d add fried chicken/wings to the smuggle list, myself. My best friend’s dad once managed to bring us a bucket of KFC at Shea by hiding it in a fleece-line leather jacket. He was sweatier than Jason Giambi on gameday.

    Your redemption plan sounds like it should appease the baseball gods; sacrificing a better game to watch the Pirates seems reasonable …

  6. Dara said,

    I think you’re overstating how empty the stadium was last night — there were over 24,000 tickets sold for a Wednesday night game against the Pirates. That’s more than would have been sold at Pittsburgh — and they have a kick-ass stadium, one of the best of the new ones that I’ve been to.

    On the very rare occasion that someone is sitting in my season tickets, I just sit down wherever there’s room. That’s the unwritten rule, right?

    And, for the record, the end of the game rocked. You guys missed out if you left early.

  7. janet said,

    The only thing worth eating at a baseball game is fake cheese and hot dogs (not together).

    Which is probably why I am not skinny enough to be loved by all you alpha male mysogynist bloggers 🙂

  8. julie said,

    I usually bring a nice Cheese Fondue to most games.
    Complete with poking skewers.
    Sometimes I mix it up and bring a chocolate one.


  9. BabyBanana said,


    You forgot that one may eat peanuts at a ballgame. I also have been known to bring cookies. But homemade, because that’s what I do. Also, it’s very funny to bring cherries and pass cherries and nuts between a large, mix-gendered group. Especially funny when you add a few beers to the mix. Just sayin’

  10. Carrie; That geek was FUMING. The only people that I think saw him were No Pasa Nada and I.

    WiB: Just for the recommendation of anything Colin “Yes me eye is looking left” Hay, you get 10 extra super cool points.

    Brooklyn Boy; Isn’t there a KFC IN Shea? Just kidding…great Giambi line, too…I think I’m going to use it.

    Dara; We are headng to Pittsburgh to get our Mojo back…they do have a bad ass stadium! However, if you’re sitting in my season tix, I might make you move…depending on where the tickets are.

    Janet; I am SO not a mysoginist! Alpha,yes. Mysoginist? No. However, that cheese freaks me right out.

    Julie; who are you and what have you done with that Yankees fan I was talking to? Get out of Fenway…do it NOW!! It’s killing you!

    BabyB: PEANUTS! How could i forget peanuts? I will fix this. The cherries and nuts? Hysterical.

  11. Brunch Bird said,

    You know how I know you and Arjewtino are gay? You were at a baseball game with a veggie platter. Seriously, I now no longer believe Arjewtino’s claim that he doesn’t loooooove “Fever Pitch.”

  12. Belle said,

    I’m not even kidding when I say that the S&S theme song was stuck in my head for MONTHS once in college. I wasn’t clever enough to come up with saucy lyrics though.

  13. Brunch Bird; First, it kills me that there was a veggie platter at a game I attended. And second, I’ve never believed he doesn’t love it either…

    Belle; Oh. My. GOD. Months? Sweet Jesus we’re fucked. WHAT HAVE I DONE?!?!

  14. Heather said,

    I am so bummed that I missed the parodies! It must have been amazing. I am slightly proud that I started the whole thing, but also a bit apologetic…

    But thanks for the invite – it was a blast! But I still get a free drink at the first *happy hour* I attend, right?

  15. WiB said,

    10 extra super-cool points???

    Wow. I’m half-tempted to offer you a vegemite sandwich.

    I’m amused by the idea that the cheese, and not the hot dogs, is ‘fake.’ Some excellent culinary sleight-of-hand by the Ballpark people. “Of course it’s real beef. Anything attached to the cow is beef, right? Right?”

  16. Heather B. said,

    I could have shot you this morning at 4 AM. Like seriously could have shot you.

    Oh and my entire walk home I kept hysterically laughing and laughing and laughing. Holy fuck, y’all are so very clever. Next time I’m in town, you must do it again – the Sanford and Son parodies that is.

  17. Arjewtino said,

    Brunch Bird, you know how I know INPY and I are gay? We were at a baseball game with a veggie platter and we were instructed to call it a crudite.

  18. College Grad said,

    Crackerjacks! How are Crackerjacks not on that list?!?! “Buy me some peanuts and crackerjacks.” It’s an American staple.

    And a note on dorky looking people holding scorecards. I also like to sit and watch the game with my scorecard. Sometimes I’ll even go to a game alone (one of the few things I can do by myself) and watch. There’s nothing wrong with it. I even went to the EXHIBITION against the Orioles. I’m just saying, keeping score is cool! (Although, that said, he should have just picked another seat.)

  19. Heather: No, be glad you missed it. Really. Today EVERYONE is pissed at me bc they can’t stop singing it!

    HeatherB: OK, I’ll do more of them, but we have to be careful who’s around…lots of people are still in the “I am going to shoot you” mode.

    Arjewtino; Speak for yourself!!!

    College Grad; CRACKERJACKS! Damnit…see editor’s note #2. And it’s fine to keep score, but not with a glove and a radio. You can do any ONE of those…but NOT all 3…

  20. Average Jane said,

    Arjewtino/INPY – They gayness is my fault. I’m sorry. And by sorry I mean…


    Ok. I’m done now. No veggies at HH. Promise.

  21. Erica said,

    Whant whant watta, whant whant wanta wanta waaah, whant whant watta…

    And damn straight you left early, I know youse were heading straight home to watch DA SCHILL KICKING SERIOUS BUTT!! Ok, maybe not, but you shoulda man, cause an almost-perfect game, those are things of BEEEUUUUTTTY! 🙂

  22. Texpundit said,

    At least you haven’t had “So Long and Thanks For All the Fish” from HGTTG stuck in your head for a week straight…like I have. I’ve been seriously close to icepicking my temple on a few occasions.

  23. Simple rule — any food consumed at a baseball game should be grilled, fried, salted, brewed, or formed primarily of high-fructose corn syrup.

  24. Mandy said,

    I miss boiled peanuts.

    Good times INPY. Good times…

  25. […] great version of a great great song…that just will NOT get out of my head. Much like the Sanford and Son Fiasco…for which I think this is karmic […]

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