$5 Baseball Tickets, Sanford and Son, and One Angry Geek -OR- “There’s No Crudites in Baseball”

Last night a wayward bunch of drunken bloggers attended a $5 Nats game. Now, I know this sounds like the beginnning of a bad joke (“A bunch of bloggers walk in to RFK…”) and…well…it kind of is a joke. What seemed like a great idea, hatched from the mind of one of my HH co-hosts and I turned in to…ummm…a surreal experience.

Let me recount the ways;

First, just getting everyone together to go to the ticket trailer was an exercise. I mean, it’s the Pirates, so there were maybe 500 people in RFk. (Not counting players, but that does count concession workers.) We could have just bought any ticket and sat anywhere. But like the blind leading the blind, we were a mess of ringing cell phones and “What entrance are you at” and all kinds of mess. However, it was once we got there that the real fun began.

Arjewtino and I almost immediately realized what we had done. How? Well, as baseball addicts, we look at starting pitchers…lineups…you know; BASEBALL. What was the majority of our crew looking at? Ryan (Don’t Call Me Kyle) Zimmerman’s ass. Apparently, it’s Bootylicious. I have no opinion on the matter, neither does Arjewtino. However, that put us smack dab in the minority.

Our second little hint that something was amiss? Crudites. That’s right. Someone who shall remain nameless (but not linkless) proceeded to pull out of her bag a veggie fucking platter. Now,if you’re thinking “But, INPY, what’s wrong with that?” you are not a baseball person. Im sorry, you’re just NOT. Smuggle that in to a John Tesh show…maybe a Full Contact Yoga Tournament. NOT a baseball game.

What do the rules say you are allowed to sneak in to a baseball game? Hard liquor. That’s it. That’s the ONLY answer. Case closed thank you for playing. HARD. LIQUOR. That is the only answer our judges are accepting.

Now, you might be a bit confused and asking, “So, what do you eat at a baseball game?” OK, commie, here are the acceptable answers;

Hot Dogs
Sausage and Peppers
French Fries
Pretzels
Nachos
Burgers

EDITOR’S NOTE I forgot and was reminded that Peanuts are a totally cool baseball food.

EDITOR’S NOTE II CRACKERJACKS! How could I forget crackerjacks?!

And I am warming to the Red Hot and Blue BBQ that is being served in RKF.

Crudites?! No. Hell no. This isn’t the French Invitational Badminton Tournament.

But I digress, lest you think that I am saying this game was a bad idea. Let me clarify. From then on (post veggie delight) it was great. Totally great. We had more Yankees fans (4) than anything else. This of course, makes me very happy. And once we settled in it was on. The game got going right away with a few runs, the beer was cold, the hot dogs were deeeelish, and our group swelled up to a rather impressive 15-20 (that’s including a group of guests that one blogger brought)

Then I saw him…he was THAT baseball fan. The grown man with a glove, radio, and scorecard who youjust KNOW never went to his prom and has painted many action figures in his life. And he was NOT HAPPY. How did I know he wasn’t happy? Because he stood at the end of the aisle looking at us, then his ticket, then us, then his ticket. Not saying a word…just glaring.

I know what you’re thinking. I do. “Dude, you were in his seat! NOT COOL”. I would agree with you except for one thing.

There were approximately 20,000 empty seats around us. It was a SEA of faded red seats in which he could have put his but and yet….this went on for quite awhile..it got comical. He’d look around and make sure that no one was coming for the seat he was about to sit in…sit…look at this ticket…get up, look at us…

I wanted to offer him some valium. I mean, for real…CHIIILL WINSTON! But, well, if I’d HAD any valium, I’d have taken it my damn self.

Eventually he got the idea that all 20 of us were not moving, that he wouldn’t really like hanging out with us (although he was eyeing that veggie platter) and went to find a seat. But damn he was entertaining.

Moving right along…the next thing that I have to share is that all day long I’d had the theme song from Sanford and Son stuck in my head. You don’t even KNOW the misery this caused. It simply WOULD. NOT. STOP. I was typing up a document and humming it…making up words to it…singing it in the hall way. You don’t know the horror. My coworkers were pleading with me to stop. Then threatening me. You might ask why this is relevant…well, I’ll tell ya…

Towards the end of the night it came back. And I started singing it again. And it was like watching a virus jump from person to person. Suddenly we are making up the most vulgar, yet hysterical, lyrics to that song that you can possibly imagine. It got out of hand FAST. Now, do NOT blame me. I read this post and that’s what got me started (read the comments, you’ll see…) down this road. Conveniently, she left before this began…

And just so that you can share my pain.

(I warn you..it will be in your head all GOD DAMNED DAY…and yes, hearing this version is FAR WORSE than hearing the actual theme song)

Told ya.

And just so that you know and because I am all about full disclosure…I pulled maybe the ultimate uncool baseball fan move and left early, only to have the Nats win on a bases loaded wild pitch.

See, you leave early, the Baseball Gods punish you. Simple as that. You eat salad at a baseball game? Ditto. Do both and you’re just askin’ for it. Beggin’ for it. And, if you get the Sanford and Son theme song stuck in the Baseball Gods’ heads at a game that you left early but during which you ate salad and focused on the 3rd baseman’s ass?

You’re just not going to get out unscathed.