I Now Pronounce You

The All Star Game, INPY Style

Posted in Uncategorized by inowpronounceyou on July 10, 2007

Tonight at 8:25 the 2007 MLB All Star Game will get under way. I LOOOOOVE this game. (Wait, that’s the wrong sport’s slogan…whatever…) I do. Some people hate it. To them I say SIT DOWN AND SHUT UP. They think it’s a self serving ego inflating let’s-all-pat-ourselves-on-the-back BS semester break for overpaid prima donnas.

Actually, that’s the Live Earth concert. I mean, really…what does Shakira’s ass have to do with global warming? And didn’t I see a photo spread of Akon in his 12 cylinder Bentley? He’s into the environment? Melissa Etheridge threw out more hot air in her 20 minute “Are You Awake” diatribe than Boeing did last month I guarantee you. (And yes, I AM awake you cliche ridden has been and I will not be coming to your window anytime soon.)

I digress.

This is about the All Star game.

The All Star game, for those of you who don’t know, is a clash between the National and American league titans. It’s a one off, “our best v. your best” battle for home field advantage in the World Series…which I’m still a little luke warm on but that’s not the point. These are the absolute creme de la creme of the game going head to head. It’s not like the NFL, where they play a half assed game of touch with pads on, or the NBA where it’s all about highlights and doesn’t even resemble a regular game. Oh no, this is as close to that street game we used to play as kids (where we’d all call out a star that we wanted to be) as you can get.

For the record, I was always Reggie Jackson. Period. I held my bat like he did and even acted like a jackass to my teammates…who for the most part were calling off things like “I’m Carl Yazstemshgknhm$*&ski” and such, so it was rarely hard for me to get to be Mr. October or to be a jackass to them. (They started it, Mom!!!)

I digress again.

In the MLB All Star Game, you get to see it ALL. Great defense. Great hitting. Stunning pitching. It’s all there. I mean, when Torii Hunter climbed the wall to rob Bonds of a tater a few years back? If you didn’t come right up off your couch you’re a Communist. I’m sorry, it’s true, pinko. Go back to Havana…oh wait, they love baseball, too…go back to China…oh wait…

So, today, in honor of the MLB All Star Game, I give you the 2007 INPY All Stars. The people, places, and things that make up the best of the best of the first half of my 2007 season. Much like my beloved Yankees, my 2007 season has been a bit rough. We expected to go to the Series (wedding) and umm…well, we got derailed right off the bat. BUT, we’ve had some highs in there, too.

Without further ado…the lineup.

Starting Pitcher:

Patron Silver

When we needed the tough out, nothing and noone came through like the big Mexican. Right handed, left handed…didn’t matter. When you absolutely need to shut out the opposition, this is the guy you want on the mound. He is NOT so good the day after the big game, though, so do NOT turn to him for relief.


VIVID Video Entertainment

What do you need behind the plate? Someone that you can trust, that can work well with your pitcher, and can keep the game (AHEM) in hand…Vivid Video is that catcher. No matter what you’re throwing, they’ve got someone that can catch it. From high heat to knuckle ballers (hot blondes to midgets) this is your backstop.

First Base

Kid Brother

Your first basenman has got to be a steady, reliable glove (for those wild, rushed throws from the short stop and 2B) and a big bat. He’s got to be able to handle the line drives that come at his head AND line the ball out of the park. That man, in 2007, was Kid Brother. No matter what got thrown at him, he found a way to snag it and bag it, or to crush it right over the wall…meaning he kept me sane when I thought I would lose it, and he kept me grounded and laughing when I needed to be reminded that “yes, it COULD be worse…no, you are NOT the only person who has ever gone through this”…All with a pregnant wife.

That boy can play.

Second Base and Short Stop

Southie and the Blonde

Ahh the Keystone. 2b This is the place where the Double Play lives and dies. You gotta be able to field, stand in the face of a charging cleats up runner, and deliver throws accurately first. That ain’t easy. It takes a bit of fearlessness, some toughness…and the ability to work well with….the Short Stop. It’s alot like second only with a whole lot more deftness required. Seeing a great short stop cover the field is like seeing a great figher move. They just know where to go and how to get there.

Southie and the Blonde, old school friends. They come at you in tandem, hit the barstools to your left and right, and never, ever let you down. Just make sure you don’t hit the Blonde up for a dance off…it’s all bad.

Third Base

Sweet Lou

The hot corner. The position with the fewest HoF’ers (not counting closers/relievers, but that’s a loop hole) in MLB history. It’s a thankless gig, really. Some great, great players have lived there…Brooks and Schmidty, Boggs…and now Sweet Lou. My childhood friend…we couldn’t be anymore different, really. Sweet Lou says he kept me just out of trouble enough so that I couldn’t get in to REAL trouble, and I got him in to just enough trouble without letting it get too bad. He got married and has a kid, and now teaches Law…I almost got married, am terrified of kids, and occasionally need a lawyer.

Even though I never get to see him and our friendship lives in a digital world these days, he’s still there when a sure-to-score-two line drive goes right at him…and he snags it cold. Maybe not as gracefully as some would, but by god he snags it.

Right, Center, and Left Field

RooshV, Arjewtino, and VK

Three newcomers to the INPY world, these three guys I kid you not can mash the ball with the absolute best of ’em and field whatever comes their way like Kill Bill’s Bride can take down bad guys. I mean, one of ’em wrote the book on game, one of them is like a character in a Tarrantino movie with his tats and dick nasty ninja game and the other is a Dodgers fan but STILL rises above that handicap to rock the Casbah.

They might use some performance enhancers, but they’ve never failed a test. In my world, that’s clean.

Honorable Mentions:


Epiphone Guitars

The Washington Nationals

ESPN Classic

Comedy Central


13 Responses to 'The All Star Game, INPY Style'

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  1. Arjewtino said,

    You might think I’m flattered but, really, I’ve been here before. I was named to three straight All-Star games when I played Little League baseball so being named your starting center fielder is really no big deal.

    Fuck it, INPY, I can’t lie as well as you (ref. The Great Alyssa Milano Debacle of 2007). Thanks, man.

    P.S.: “our best v. your best” battle. It doesn’t always work out like this, though, does it? Sometimes, not so much this year, though, it can be more like the “big names who the fans know vs. more big names because the fans don’t recognize real talent” battle.

  2. megan said,

    What does it say when every man who comes into my life, both in the flesh and in the virtual world find such joy in baseball? It never ceases to amaze me – I come upon someone new, whose thoughts, ponderings or ideas interest me – and next thing I know they’re waxing eloquent on America’s favorite past time. Throw a little Patron in there and my new favorite blog is suddenly every guy I’ve ever dated…

  3. Virgle Kent said,

    Ok so I do have a problem with Vivid. They insist on using condoms in their movies. What the cock is that shit? To me porn is mans last stab at a fantasy, now I don’t know about you but when I fantasize about women any woman, I never think… damn I’d like to hit that……. WITH A CONDOM!!!!


  4. MK said,

    nice nice. really enjoyed this one. (oh, and Go White Sox)

  5. Definitely looking forward to a little ASG action myself. *Virtual clink of the bottle* Enjoyed the list. By the way, Google Reader is awesome – I only knew you had a new post because there were new items on the comment feed.

  6. Arjewtino; So long as you don’t go all Jose Conseco on me…

    Megan; it says that you have great taste in men. 🙂 Thank you for the compliment, btw!

    VK; You just had to go after a fellow All Star, didn’t you?

    MK; If any team is having a worse go of it than my boys, it’s yours…but glad you liked it the post.

    BB; we gotta meet up for drinks and baseball my good man.

  7. J said,

    Geesh, picked last for the team AGAIN! What’s honorable mention? Is that like equipment manager? 🙂

  8. Roosh said,

    RIGHT field? Good call cause i suck at baseball.

  9. Lee said,

    Wow…quite possibly one of the best-written, creative analogies I’ve ever seen. If only all of us could be that good at making them.

    Enjoy your game tonight!

  10. tracylord said,

    no love for prs…http://prsguitars.com/privatestock/gallery/index.html

  11. J; It’s a Sox thing…but you’re in the game, gorgeous.

    Roosh; Yeah, but you got mad skillz. Maybe not in right, though.

    Lee; Thank you!

    Tracy Lord; I was starting off slow as I got back in to playing…but those PRS Priovate Stocks make me feel like Homer outside a Dunkin’ Donuts…

  12. roissy said,

    yeah, vk, what’s with the condoms in vivid vid? horrible. the chick could be a 10 but if the prop is doing her with a rubber on i’m switching channels to bareback amputee porn.

  13. […] I got an email this morning from one of my oldest, dearest friends; Sweet Lou …I’ve mentioned him before on these digital pages…he’s been one of those rare constants in my life that […]

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