My President Can Totally Beat Up Your President
I blame George Bush for this…really, I do. Now granted, being a New England born and bred liberal I tend to blame George Bush for everything from Global Warming to the shockingly poor state of delivery pizza here in DC. But this sad state of affairs I can absolutely say is W’s fault.
I’m talking, of course, about this trend of shirtless “photo ops” for foriegn leaders that seems to be popping up from Paris to Moscow. Wait, you haven’t heard that showing your pecs is the new thing in Foreign Relations? Well, let me catch you up…
It all started with pictures like this of the Commander in Chief:
Seriously, do I even need to make the Texas Chainsaw Massacre joke? I think not. So the President of the US starts putting out pics like this while carrying out his foreign *ahem* “policy” and lo and behold, it’s not the Iraqis that are shocked and awed, it’s the rest of the world.
I mean, can’t you just hear the conversations in Moscow, London, Beijing, Paris, et al?
“Holy crap! Cancel my trip to Washington. That redneck is crazy! I am NOT telling him face to face that we’re not supporting his War of Terror…hell no. Better yet, send him a telegram…a singing telegram! Yeah yeah, a singing telegram…”
But you knew that wouldn’t last. At some point, someone was going to say “screw that” and escalate things. And didn’t you just know that “someone” was going to be a Russian? What we didn’t know was that “escalate” meant going all bare chested to show he meant business.
See, you might look at this and see nothing more than a picture of a man fishing. That’s just naive. This is international politics at it’s finest. Basically, Boris (Putin) is telling Natasha (Bush) “Look, beeeyatch, I didn’t sit around screwing up baseball teams and oil companies my whole life. I wasn’t in the National Guard. I was in the KGB, son. I’ve seen some shit in my day. You point that chainsaw at me and not only will I take it right away from you, but then I’m gonna give you a Stalin style beat down.”
What Nikita Khruschev and JFK did in ’62 with their Naval Forces, Vlad the Bad and GWB are doing with the Paparazzi.
But it didn’t end there…hell’s no. The Johnny Come Lately to the Shirtless Leader Gang is none other than Nicolas Sarkozy of France. France, people. Sarkozy, being the conservative, non traditional neo-Franco leader that he is just had to get in on this. But he got in on it with…are ya’ ready?
That’s right, they photoshopped his chubby ass. Thus eliminating him from this uber-powers game of Glamour Shots Arm Wrestling. Then again, I mean, he is French. They probably had to photoshop out the umbrella he had over him in his little boat…
(As a side note, Sarkozy beat this little Socialist number, Marie-Ségolène Royal, who attempted to use what God gave her to Jenna Jamison her way in to office…silly Parisians…)
Now, if you’ve been paying attention, you can see the dilemma here, can’t you? You see where this madness leads, right? We’re going to be picking leaders based on who can whoop who’s ass not in the court of public opinion, the UN, or on a battlefield…oh no! We’re looking at UFC style foreign relations! And really, if that’s the case, can’t you just see who some of the future leaders of the world are?
Chinese President Jet Li;
Canadian Prime Minister Patrick Roy;
British Prime Minister Lennox Lewis;
You get the point. But, yet another aspect of this that you have to realize is the terrifying, yet very real possibility that this sort of trend would lead to people thinking…well…dare I even say it?
President Arnold Schwarzenegger.
Before you go off half cocked and thinking that this is a good idea (I’m looking at you, Red States) let’s get something straight. Vladimir Putin would kick President Terminator’s ass. Yes, yes he would ya’ll. This ain’t a movie, and Arnie just ain’t the man he used to be. Don’t believe me? See for yourself.
Vlad would use his crazy KGB Ninja skills and beat Arnold down faster than you can say “Ivan Drago Killed Apollo Creed”.
What we need is a man who can not only smack some commies around, but also has at least a semblance of a political background while still being able to pronounce his “R’s”. (You’re out Ah-nuld) Some one who is 100% American ass whooper for certain, but who gets that domestic policy is not a phrase that descibes what places will and won’t deliver food at 1am.
This dude gets my vote.
Yes, Clint Eastwood, the former Mayor of Carmel is 77…but YOU tell him you don’t think he’s man enough for the job. He’s got “Make My Day” written all over him! Just think; the State of the Union would be Must See TV not to see how many words he mispronounces or uses incorrectly, but to see who he’s gonna call “Punk”. Not to mention that if you come at The Outlaw Josey Wales with a KGB karate chop you’re going to be eating nothing but Borscht for six months through your broken jaw.
And hey, at least he’ll never humiliate us with a bad picture that the other foreign leaders will look at and say “Oh I could totally take that guy”. You know, like, for example….