I Now Pronounce You

That Which Makes Me Want to SCREAM

Posted in Uncategorized by inowpronounceyou on September 18, 2007

There are things I cannot stand in this world. People and situations that drive me right up the wall and I will never, ever be able to just handle it without being affected. I don’t go ballistic, per se. But I do have to talk my way through the entire process of dealing. Today, I give you an abridged list of the people and things that fucking make me crazy. In no particular order…

1) The High Maintenance Person Who Will “Innocently” Push Your Buttons But Will Flip Out If You Call Them On It

This list might not be in any particular order, but this is definitely Numero Uno. We all know this person. This is the person that will have a million qualifications for where you can go to eat, sees that it’s driving everyone insane, and doesn’t care. But saying to him/her “what is the big deal” will immediately send them off…and you’re the bad guy. This is the person who at every family get together winds up getting in to it with someone, but yet it’s never their fault. They say “I was just…” all the time. They make you all walk on eggshells and cater to them or else. Think Janice on the Sopranos and you’re in the right ballpark. Think my sister at Christmas and you’re batting at homeplate.

The Worst Part: You can either deal with it and keep your mouth shut or confront it and watch it get blown up in to a whole new level that sucks the life out of everyone. These people have zero fear of escalation.

2) Woe Is Me I’m So Sad And Did I Mention How Sad I Am?

Ugh. Yes, I get it. You aren’t that good at life. It’s harder for you than it’s ever been for anyone else. The Rapture could be erupting around you with an all inclusive “even the Mormons are going to heaven” edict and you’d say “But I forgot my sweater”. No matter what, it’s about you and your sorrow and your heavy burden.

I will load the gun….

The Worst Part: I don’t own a gun. No, I kid. Actually the worst part is that by dealing with it at all, you have just guaranteed yourself a night of misery. There’s no getting around or over it. They are gonna whine and you are gonna listen.

3) Dusty Dinkleman

I don’t know how I got sucked in to watching this movie recently, but I did. It’s awful, save for 2 things; Ryan Reynolds little brother, and Dusty Dinkleman. Dusty, as played by Chris Klein, is the nicest, most sincere truly in touch with his feminine side acoustic guitar playing man alive…except he’s not. When he sings “When Jamie Smiles” to woo Ryan Reynolds girl, you think “God DAMN this guy is like Air Supply in a can”…and then when you hear him sing “When Janice Smiles” you realize he’s a scumbag who does and says whatever he has to to come across as a low risk “Beta Man” when really, he’s the worst wolf in sheep’s clothing ever.

Give me the Wolf in Wolf’s clothing every time. Least the man ain’t afraid to be what he is.

The Worst Part: You can’t warn someone about this…you say “that guy is a snake” to a woman in the middle of hearing “When (YOURNAMEHERE) Smiles” and she’s going to tell you you’re an asshole. You then sit back and wait for the “I’m so sorry you were so right” reunion where you listen to all the reasons she didn’t see it coming.

4) People Who Think the Matrix was Deep and Great Movie Making

Nuff said, but closely resembled by people that want to explain that Lost is deep because they used Philospher’s names and you never know what the hell is going on. Ummm, huh?

The Worst Part: They want you to hit the bong with them and watch it to prove how good it is. Look, enough ganj and fritos and Mr. Rogers is deep.

4a) Keanu Reeves

I am an F. B. I. AGENT!!!!

Please kill me.

The Worst Part: He keeps getting work. Although I count my blessings that Dogstar never took off.

5) Gear Guy

Oooh this one…it’s a guitar thing. There’s the guy that comes in to the shop and has to have friggin’ eveything. I mean, everything. It’s also got to be the best, as he can’t cannot CANABSOLUTELYNOT have a lesser version of anything. Inevitably, this guy has a magazine under his arm with the latest/hippest ohmyGODtheyarealloverMTVrightnow band on the cover and he is getting whatever that guy is playing. The only thing worse than being stuck behind this guy in line, as he HAS to be shown how to do everything (can’t just take it home and do what the rest of us do…mess around with it) is being in a band with this guy.

The Worst Part: This guy ALWAYS needs reassurance that his gear is cool and that, by extension, he is cool…so he will start talking to you just long enough to explain to you what he’s buying and how “Rad” it is. Then he will BEG you to tell him how awesome that is. BE WARNED; if you don’t tell him how amazing and bad ass and just bloody awesome whatever he’s getting is, he will assume you don’t get it and he will try harder to explain it to you.

That conversation is like having a Les Paul forced in to your…well, you get the idea.

6) People Who Argue Using “That’s Just What I Feel” Line While Telling You That You’re Wrong

Oh sweet love of Heaven this person…oy vey and stab me in the eye with a #2 pencil. OK, look, I love to debate. Give me a pint and a bar stool and lets go. I’m not talking yelling, screaming insanity…I mean, tell me your points and let me tell you mine and let’s go. But you know who loves to get in to these sorts of conversations like bloody clockwork? The ignorant. “Well, I don’t know about that, but this is what I think and you’re wrong”…

Like nails on a chalk board. You’ll often hear this from people making statements like;

“I think Pearl Jam is the most important band since the Beatles”.

Say what? Are you nuts? I mean, off the top of my head I’d say U2 had a lot more…


The Worst Part: They will damn near NEVER let it go. They are emotionally vested in to whatever they are arguing, so they need to hear you say “wow, you’re right”. They can’t argue/debate points and say “huh, well, agree to disagree”. Not these folks.

7) Pearl Jam

No Junior, they most certainly are not the most important band since the Beatles. They are the most overrated band since Mr. Mister started getting Grammy Award nominations.

The Worst Part: We have to hear the crap they put out, which has gotten worse and worse with every album since the first one, and listen to people tell us that it’s “great” and ahead of its time. Ripping off what Neil Young did in the 60’s and 70’s is NOT ahead of it’s time.

Give me Soundgarden any day.

8 ) Mr. Arbitrary

Let’s say you’re watching the Patriots/Chargers game at a pub full ‘o New Englanders. Everyone’s havin’ a grand time and then one guys starts yellin’ about Brady sucking this and the Patriots are the worst that. He isn’t from San Diego…doesn’t have the house mortgaged on the game. Oh no…he just needs attention. And to get it, he’s decided that he’s going to root for the other team. Or argue Pro Life in a room full of liberals. He’s the guy that will tell you that whatever you’re talking about is wrong…

Just cuz.

And man he sets me off.

The Worst Part: By proving to him that he’s wrong…by mowing down every argument that he has, you’ve just given him exactly what he wants. Attention. And then you’re stuck with him pretending to be rooting for the Chargers or abortion or whatever right next to you as his new found source of attention.

Phew. OK, that’s 8. And I really feel better now for getting it off my chest. Sometimes things out there just, you know…make you a little tense. It’s good to get it out.

If I forgot to mention anyone, please feel free to give ’em a name and slap ’em silly.


25 Responses to 'That Which Makes Me Want to SCREAM'

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  1. Average Jane said,

    I dated #1. He should be banned from existence.

  2. Joe Torre's anal wart said,

    Did you just defend Brady and New England football watchers? Oh INPY, let’s hug it out at Murphys on Sunday.

  3. Arjewtino said,

    An addendum to #6 is people who say whatever they want, whether it be offensive, rude, or racist/homophobic/anti-Semitic, and qualify its “credibility” by uttering, “I’m just saying”.

    I love Pearl Jam.

  4. Average Jane; No kidding! Those are the hardest people to have to live with and around…forget jsut bumping in to them.

    JoeT; I always rather liked the Pats…until they started cheating.

    AJT: Yeah, that one is more than fair to add to this list…but Pearl Jam sucks. The first album? (MotherLoveBone II) Great stuff. After that, worse and worse until it just got painful.

  5. The Dude said,

    Totally agree with all of these. #1 is the hardest person to get along with because civility and calm are of little importance to them.

    The “Gear Guy” is in plenty of other activities such as Skiing, Biking, etc. They try to make others feel superior because they didn’t spend 2 Grand on a new whatever.

  6. Joe Torre's anal wart said,

    shhhhhhhh….don’t speak. Let’s just enjoy the moment.

  7. Virgle Kent said,

    First off, I love that movie FUCKING LOVE IT. It’s one of those you have to watch and find something funny every single time. “Forgiveness is more than saying sorry”

    But more importantly that Dusty Dinkleman guy, sounds like someone I know or have heard of. You say he uses the SAME line on every girl. But YOU know I could see myself falling for you INPY, you’re special

  8. freckledk said,

    Kyrie (Eleison) was a great song….I’m just saying. That’s just how I feel. Get out the bong and I’ll prove it.

  9. skip said,

    #1 – I’m getting divorced from this person. She is insane, and makes me want to jam forks in my eyes.

    #4 – Keanu is a tool, but Matrix was a good movie. i mean, c’mon… Carrie Anne Moss in leather? I would eat a mile of her shit just to see where it came from. http://venus.provocateuse.com/show/carrie_anne_moss

    #5 – Ahhhh. Musicians. I’ve got a buddy that just started playing guitar. I’ve been playing for 15 years. He made some recordings and asked me to listen to them. Fine, no problem. I record and need honest appraisals, too. So I listen to it, and what the guy needs is practice, lots of it, with a metronome. So I tell him that. He doesn’t do it. And records more, and wants opinions. playing with loose time is fine. With no concept of time, it’s just a goddamned train wreck.

    #7 – U2. They make me angry, and if I have to hear one more fucking time about how great a humanitarian Bonono is I think my head will explode. Ever see Scanners? yeah, that’ll be me. I mean, c’mon… if I had his money and free time, I could save starving children too.

    #8 – this is why I don’t go to bars. if I’m going to drink, I’ll do it at home, in peace, with the company I choose. Besides, I make the best vodka on the planet.

  10. Dude; Good point. I was thinking that as I wrote it but decided to keep it to what I know. But hell yes…skis, cars, computers, “gadgets”…that’s the same guy.

    Joe; Enjoying.

    VK: I forgot to mention that Anna Farris (sp?) is hysterical i that movie, too.

    Freckled K; Well, sure….I mean, I could sing me some Broken Wings with that sort of help.

    Skip; then congrats on the divorce. But Carrie Anne Moss is NOT that hot. I’m sorry, she’s not. The outfit is, but that’s it.

    Did you say you make your own vodka?

  11. skip said,

    yes, I did.


  12. KassyK said,

    I’m with VK–JUST FRIENDS is one of those classics that is more and more hilarious each time you watch it. Anna Faris is perfect in it:

    Kid brother to her: “You are so hot”

    Her with a smile: “I know right?!”

    Or, “Forgivenessss—its more than sayin sorrrry”

    Dear gd I love that movie.

  13. Skip; That is just too friggin’ cool.

    KassyK; She was hysterical….the Vicadin and toothpaste had me howling.

  14. Beach Bum said,

    I love that movie too…

    Anyway, agree with all your points, but you lost me at Pearl Jam. Are they the best band ever or what nots? No. But I do like their songs and been to a few of their concerts… Even flow, thoughts arrive like butterflies… Damn, that song will be stuck in my head all day now…

  15. sunchaser said,

    Great post. And I happen agree, U2 kicks ass over Pearl Jam.

  16. Beach Bum; That song is on the first album, shich kicks ass…quick, what was their last hit? One track off the last album? The last time they were at all, even remotely close to relevant?

    They aren’t. And far too many people make them out to be the most important band EVER. I. Hate. Them.

    Sunchaser; Hell yes they do.

  17. WiB said,

    Good list. Re: #7 – good band, not great band. Great band: Alice in Chains, if we’re staying around Seattle in the same era. I like to point out that the original Seattle band was, in fact, Heart.

    I am occasionally almost the #8 guy, but never in sports (although I have a leaning towards rooting for the underdog just on principle) and only in that I will make an argument just to play devil’s advocate in the interest of seeing where it goes. I would say that’s not the same as #8, but that’s just how I feel.

  18. Bruce said,

    You forgot Red Sox fans, particuarly band wagon sox fans who wear pink hats.

  19. please dont forget…Mr. Emails Pix of his Dick Guy…
    worst part…they are pictures of his dick!!! but then you prob. dont deal with him as much as i do….

    wait..skip makes his own vodka….what a crazy coincidence!!
    i drink vodka…

  20. skip said,

    c’mon over! the party never stops

  21. Lemmonex said,

    Mr. One Talking Point: Has read one article or attended one speech on a topic and considers himself an expert. But his expertise is all based on one thing. He will always use the same example, takes it is the only truth and is unbending. However he formed the opinion is what sticks. That article in Time said free trade sucks, so it sucks and will always suck and that article in Time is the only basis for this argument. There is no arguing with chosen ignorance.

  22. Jewcano said,

    Vs was the first and only album I ever camped out for. Long hair and flannel soaking up cold October rain, I was there at 6am when the Spins opened up, to get one of the first copies. I was not alone. We were young, we were grunge, and Edward Severson was our saviour.

    Time passes, and things change. By the time Vitalogy came out, I had branched out, free to alternate between the Cure and my old Ministry 12-inches, ready with Soundgarden and Helmet, with Rage around the corner and STP maturing. Vitalogy? You sang about bugs, Eddie. You sang about bugs.

    By the time No code was released, all artsy fartsy and self indulgent, none of us could be bothered.

    INPY, you’re right on Pearl Jam. They let us all down.

  23. roissy said,

    pearl jam may be pretentious windbags but there’s a reason nirvana is going down in rock history as a top ten band. and it ain’t a shotgun to the head.

  24. redhead said,

    had a rough day, hey?

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