I Now Pronounce You

Just in Time for This Weekend’s Series; The Yankees-Red Sox Drinking Game

Posted in Uncategorized by inowpronounceyou on September 12, 2007

With all due respect Sir, I beg to differ

This weekend the Yankees and Sox play their final series of the regular season on their way to the playoffs where there is a fair chance they could meet yet again. I’ve been saying all year long that the Yankees would make the playoffs…down 14 games? Not a problem. And here we are, 5 back in the AL East and in control of the Wild Card, ready to make some noise…

Damnit Rocket, I said I wanted a BUD light!

Now, in the interest of doing some bonding before the post season and retaining my friendships with those in the (ahem) “Nation”, I’ve devised a drinking game to accompany this friendly contest. A little something that we can all share while we watch these two great teams get ready to battle in the Post Season. I mean, after all, we were deprived of this last year when the Sox became the most expensive team to not make the Post Season just one year after “the Comeback” and winning it all…I know, the hangovers can be a bitch and consistency is hard, even with all that cash.

A little love between Sox…no photoshop required.

I digress.

Without further ado…

The I Hate You, Too Drinking Game

Standards (everyone drinks):

Any dingers; shot
Double play; shot
Double or Triples; Last one to touch their nose does a shot

Inciting a Riot (everyone drinks) :

Bean balls or buzzing the batter high and tight; shot

Nemesis Rules (Other team’s fans drink) :

Anything that your team’s Nemesis (defined below) does on the following list is a shot for the other teams fan:

RBI; shot
Dinger, double or triple; 2 shots (1 for it being a dinger/2b/3b, one for the Nemesis factor)
Sweet play in the field; not a routine catch, but turns a dp, etc; shot


HE commits an error or strikes out with runners in position, YOU do a shot.

Sox Nemesis:


Yanks Nemesis:

Manny (or Lowell if Manny sits because, well, it’s the end of the year and that’s what he does now)

Anyone care to play?

Why do the ladies love Jesus? Because he’s hung like this…


How to Make Your Apartment FINALLY Feel More Like a Home

Posted in Uncategorized by inowpronounceyou on September 11, 2007

After waking up and finding myself in a haze of “did that really happen?” blues on Saturday, I did something that I’ve been meaning to do for a long damn time; I went apartment shopping. That is to say I went shopping for some things for my apartment.

I’m sure any of you that have lived with someone know that when you move in together you go from having 2 of everything to having 1 of everything, and you get rid of most of that extra “1”. 2 microwaves become 1 microwave and the extra goes to a friend that just broke up with his live in gf. It’s the circle of city life, really. It works. And somehow that “1” microwave that you kept becomes the Microwave of Undying Love.

Me? I didn’t want the Microwave of Undying Love (1) because well, it’s false advertising and (2) my food wasn’t going to taste quite right coming out of it. Say what you will, but I’m all about Karma and my leftovers should not be tainted with the seasoning of my failed love life. So, when we spilt up I left just about everything behind and started fresh. I got the big things out of the way first; a new bed*, a new couch, and things like that. I was lucky that I had some friends who had just moved in together and had the extra “1” of some kitchen supplies left over, and that was all I needed to get started.

Then I got really, really complacent. I didn’t add much else to my place, and that was fine by me. I’m a simple cat and stuff is just a pain in the ass. But recently I think I’ve hit another gear, because I’ve started wanting my apartment to feel more like my home. Granted a lot of it had to do with the fact that I was just in Maine with my family. But so what? Bottom line is that I wanted stuff…

So, on Saturday morning I peeled myself out of bed and headed to Bed, Bath, and Beyond with the idea that I was going to start with my kitchen. Plates and silverware and that sorta stuff I had, but the big stuff? The cooking stuff? That I needed. Dig this; INPY LOVES to cook. Love it. Not reheating. Cooking. But, when you’re dealing with one shitty frying pan, one small pot, and not much in the way of knives…well…yeah. And honestly, I’ve been eating like crap and I figured, this is all going to fall in to place.

The first thing I bought? Cuisinart Pots and Pans. And no,they are not all created equal.

Shiny, bad ass cookware. And it’s heavy, too…GREAT for home defense.

Next? a block set of Henckles knives, which I’ve always wanted and now I have. You never realize just how big of a deal it is to have good, sharp knives until you are trying to slice a tomato and pretty much squish it.

You know when the bad guy come in to the house in a horror movie and the lead character grabs a knife out of the block? I’ve got that now…

And no self respecting New Englander can have a kitchen without a Crock Pot…none, you just can’t do it…so I got one of those, too.

Is there anything better than slow cooked pot roast in the dead of winter? Oh wait, there really isn’t a “winter” in the mid Atlantic.

Then I proceeded to throw all sorts of random crap in to the cart. A full set of Corningware “bakeware” (for everything from broiling to casseroles) a rug for the kitchen, Calphalon utensils…it all went in.

When I got home it was like Christmas. I tore in to everything and ooh’d and ahhh’d over it. I rearranged the entire kitchen to fit stuff in to the “right” places. Then I stepped back, surveyed the new look, and headed out to go shopping…

At Giant.

Several hours later, I had a pot of pasta sauce made from scratch simmering on the stove and my place felt more like a home. Wanna come by for dinner? I take requests. You bring the drinks, I’ll do the rest.

*This is KEY, folks. I don’t know how people can sleep in a bed they shared with a long time ex. It’s creepy, it’s all KINDS of bad Karma, and really, shouldn’t you get rid of that before you bring someone else in to your bed? Ditto for going the other way; if you’ve been in the “playa” mode for a few years and then settle down, you just gotta get rid of that thing and start over.

Happy Hour? There was a Happy Hour?

Posted in Uncategorized by inowpronounceyou on September 10, 2007

The Ball Sweat of the Devil

Oh sweet, sweet Tequila how I love and hate you so.

So yes, Friday night there was indeed a Happy Hour. I was there. So was Elvis. I know this because I saw him…and that’s about all you need to know about how much of the aforementioned vile South American Liquid I consumed.

See, here’s the problem; I met my cohost AJT at the Hat early. We proceeded to get our game on and wonder aloud about how the night would go. You know, standard stuff…like the odds of the seeing someone flash (40%) or two hot girls make out (89%) …that one of us would black out (100%) or that the bar tab would pass $150. (Fucking guaranteed) So you see, by the time the rest of the gang started rolling in, we’d already started rolling.

And roll downhill was exactly what we did.

I would love to give you a break down of who was there, but my other cohosts have already beaten me to it and there list is far more complete than mine. I did however meet some very cool bloggers that I’d always wanted to, and that was pretty damn hip. Honestly, there were a whole gaggle of bloggers there that I hadn’t ever met but have read, and that is always freakin’ cool…

But this was a night of excess across the board. I know for a fact that I was a car crash…and not a single car bumping in to a guard rail. I’m talkin’ a full on multi car pile up. And, much like a big accident, I remember the moment it started to go awry…when everything sorta slooooowed doooown right before I let go of the wheel and said “awww screw it”.

It was the first Patron shot that I did with one of my rockin’ co hosts, who shunned the lime and salt and went straight for the glass…a girl after my own heart.

From there, well…yeah. I mean, what can I say? It’s like the red light district in Amsterdam; you go in with the best intentions and then before you know it things have gone straight to hell. Seriously, put yourself in the situation;

-You are surrounded by cool guys and gorgeous women who are all there to drink and get rowdy.

-The DJ is playing such classics as Don’t Stop Believin and Pour Some Sugar on Me.

-Every one is doing shots and chasers and posing for pictures that you don’t want your mom to see, but you’re totally keeping copies of.

Umm, yeah.

Elvis, is that you?

If you didn’t come, you’re missing out. I don’t know what else to tell you. You are flat out, straight up, missing out. We’ve got the right hosts in my Patron Partner, Kassy K, Virgle Kent, and Arjewtino…as well as this amazing idea of special guest hosts who this time just so happend to be DC Blogger legend Stream of Jessica (who is the queen of shots, yo)..

There are already rumors about what we’re going to do next. My thinking is that I’m going to put together one of those ’round the city scavenger hunts for directions to my apartment, get a few kegs, a stripper pole, a case of Patron and 50 disposable cameras, then open the doors and grease the rails for my trip to hell.

I don’t like waiting in line, and this seems to be a guaranteed way for me to skate right in.

Who’s interested?

To everyone that came, I salute you and can’t wait to see you again. To everyone that didn’t, well…get yourself to the next one. We seem to be on a roll, and these things just keep gettin’ better and better, crazier and crazier. Who knows what will happen next time…

But if you don’t come, you’ll never know.

Southwest; Cheap Flights, Open Seating, and Women in Burqas

Posted in Uncategorized by inowpronounceyou on September 7, 2007

Ummm…this is too revealing, how…exactly?

23 year old Kyla Ebbert was almost removed from a Southwest Airlines flight recently, because a fellow passenger complained that her outfit (pictured above) was “too revealing”. The flight attendant actually removed her, lectured her about her clothes, and asked that she go home and change. Ebbert, who was only going to be going to Tucson (where it’s hot as hell and this is considered pretty much the norm) for a few hours told them “no” and eventually, was allowed back on the plane.

Here’s my beef with this…

What the fuck kind of wishy washy corporate stance is it to cater to the whining of every customer? Furthermore, it’s not like she’s nekkid or even showing so much cleavage that she can be deemed, in any way, offensive to the average person. Yet, Southwest’s employees decided that it was better to err on the side of caution and cater to conservative cry baby calls of a clearly delusional man or blatantly jealous woman. Why?

I’ll tell you why; because we’ve become so friggin’ uptight about sexuality round these parts that we can’t even handle the notion that something might be too suggestive and we could get called out on it. What the fuck is happening here? I god damn guarantee you if she’d been wearing a “Kill ’em All” shirt no one would have said a friggin’ thing. Violence being red blooded American good fun…but sex? Lord no. FUCK no. Not even the suggestion of it can go unpunished.

I don’t get, nor do I like, this Christian Coalition and Neocon inspired uptightening of America*. I don’t dig guns and Nascar and the phrase “family values”. I don’t care all that much for people deciding on standards based on nothing more than what works for them. And I damn sure am not in favor of telling women like Kyla Ebbert that her legs and breasts are offensive. Hell no, I’m not telling her to get off the plane. I look for that woman on the plane to sit next to…if for no other reason than if the plane goes down my final view will rock.

With all of the things in the world to find offensive…all the violence, the war, the hatred, the mysoginy, the fear, the intolerance…with all of that to rally against, if you’re choosing to focus on this woman’s body or sex in general then I think there’s something fundamentally wrong with YOU. Really, I do. It’s that level of repression that leads to people doing crazy, scary shit and furthermore that allows them to look at violence and shrug their shoulders.

You know what you need to do, Mr/s I-Find-Kyla-Ebbert-Offensive?

You need to get laid.

And on that note, you should come to our Happy Hour tonight. Who knows, you might just get lucky.

*The Uptightening of America has been copyrighted by me, yo.

Blasphemy, Bondage, and Banana Daiquiris

Posted in Uncategorized by inowpronounceyou on September 6, 2007

Now that we’ve established that we are all little pieces of the Universe, and that “right” and “wrong” are really nothing more than roadblocks to eternity, let’s take the next logical step in the conversation regarding how to be good, spiritual beings.


That’s right, Bondage.

Tie me up, tie me down.

How, you are asking, is this part of the path? Well, if there is no “right” or “wrong”, and the judgements we attach to such things are nothing more than our ego standing in the middle of the path to true enlightenment…


We are really supposed to experience as much as possible during our tenure here on Earth, well…isn’t it obvious that Kink should not only have to label of “taboo” removed, but that it should be embraced? Shouldn’t the old “I give you a rub, you give me a tug then we have missionary sex” idea be reviled as being anti-enlightened? As going against what’s natural? As being void of spirituality?

You might think that I’m kidding here. You could not be more wrong.

I can’t tell you how many relationships that I know of have failed for the same reason; dead sex life. I mean, you’ve alllll been there. Raise your hands if you’ve ever wanted something but were afraid to ask for it…come on…that’s what I thought. And what did you do about it? Probably at the time…nuttin’.

Why the hell not?! I’ll tell you why, because sex (and especially kinky sex) becomes the biggest taboo in our lives simply because of the nature of the label we attach to it. It’s dirty. It will define you beyond this moment. Nice girls don’t do this and men in monogamous relationships shouldn’t want it.

Fuck. That.

For those very reasons, I think kink is a medium through which we can all explore our universal connection. I’m crackin’ up as I write this, but I kid you not I mean it. (And it’s OK to laugh a bit while you’re talkin’ sex. I mean, really…it’s supposed to be fun…you knew that, right?)

Today I’m going to talk about Bondage because it taps in to all of this and is an easy starting point with out getting in to anything…you know, like…too freaky for the average bear. See, like it or not, there are power dynamics at play in your realtionships. Deny them and you will fight about them in ways you can’t dream. Embrace them, and even play with them in some way and you might be shocked at how much of a difference it makes in your day to day life. For real.

And, to keep this all tied together in a bow and to show you that I’m not just diving in to this all willy nilly; there is a good reason that everything must be experienced, and it’s more than just a check list in the cosmos. Everytime you push yourself out in to the void, or someone else pushes the collective consciousness out in to the void, it changes you and it changes us all. It shows you the world from a different, deeper perspective. Now, you may not want to have your perspective changed, but really, that’s just your ego and fear of change talking.

Now get the rope and keep that in mind cuz here we go…

Men have a natural tendency towards being dominant. It’s a fact. This does not mean that we haven’t the ability to be submissive. We do. It just isn’t our natural headspace. Women conversly have a natural tendency towards being submissive. This is not an insult, and this is not a sexist statement of superiority…remember, if you will, that those labels of good and bad aren’t applying here and stick with me. (HANG IN THERE SISTER!) So, if submissive isn’t lesser and dominance isn’t more…if it’s just two sides of the same coin… you see what I’m saying? It isn’t weak to be submissive. If you think it is, try it. Just like it isn’t strong to be dominant. Sometimes it’s a cop out and a fear based reaction. Having said that;

Bondage is the simplest way possible to play with those dynamics of dominance and submission (D/s) without going in to anything so freaky that you’ll find yourself feeling like you’re in a German fuck film. It’s a wildly effective way to tap in to those aspects of your self and to see the world from a whole new lense.

The new hand position for prayer.

Don’t believe me? If you’ve never done this, as you’re reading you are thinking about this and picturing a man tying up a woman. And yeah, that’s 1/2 of it…but the other half is actually a far more enlightening experience for the average man AND average woman.

When a man ties up a woman, he’s keyed in to the natural state of his being. He is in control, completely, and she has submitted to him completely. That’s heady stuff, and the feeling of this in such an unfettered way will give you both new insights in to your nature I kid you not and swear to God it’s true.

By the way; have a safe word (Personlly I think “Banana Daiquiri” is a good one) so that you can stop if you get like, really freaked out.

Now, having played with this piece of the equation…


Men; want to see your dominance in a completely differentent light? Surrender it. Want to gain a new respect for the strength of submission? Give it a whirl. Women, ditto. Take control. See if you like the feeling…if it comes naturally to you…

For many of you it will. For most of you it won’t. That goes by the numbers forvboth sides and again is not an indictment. And that isn’t the point anyhow. What is the point is that what you’ve done is to dive in to the void and experience something new by tapping in to the essence of your self. You’ve opened yourself up and learned something new, and this should effect the way you see all kinds of things around you. You reached out to the Universe and the Universe has reached back in to you.

If you take what I wrote yesterday in to account, and apply it to this…well…you kinda just prayed and had great sex all at the same time.

Isn’t that friggin’ cool?!

So you know what you have to do now, right? Go home and try it out, and then send me a comment. Tell me all about what you think of this new way to reach out to God. Pictures are welcome, by the way. Oh, and don’t use your good ties to do this…nothing ruins ’em faster than being used to bind someone to the headboard.

Enjoy your banana daiquiri.

Big Bang Buddhism, Baby

Posted in Uncategorized by inowpronounceyou on September 5, 2007

Today I’m going to go way, Way, WAY above my paygrade and crack open a topic that many of you will probably just skip. In fact, this is really pretty much as out there as I’m going to get on this site unless a truck load of Ether ever overturns in front of my house. And really, what are the odds of that happening again? Nope, with a totally stright head today I’m going to go way out there and talk about…


Now, I know what you’re saying to yourself right now; OK, THIS is the day that INPY has finally lost it. Well, no. That was in ’96. (See Ether comments above)

Stick with me though, it might be fun.

Last night I was watching one of my absolute favorite shows, the Universe. This is a History Channel hour long freakin’ orgy of information about, well…the universe. (Thus the name) Planets, stars, solar systems…you name it. They break it down. Mind candy at its finest. So when I was flipping through the seemingly endless array of crappy channels I have on my cable package (how many times can Friends really be on in one day?) and I noticed that the Universe was going to be two hours long, not one I thought “whatever could this be?”

It was The Big Bang Explained.

Holy CRAP, I thought…this is gonna ROCK!! And rock it did…effectively, what the History Channel chose to do was go back in time to the very beginnings of Astronomy and show you how each and every step along the way, from the Greeks to Copernicus, from Newton to Einstein, lead to a debate over whether not the Universe was in a Steady State (static, unchanging) or that there had been a beginning…a Big Bang.

Now, this is about 1/10,000,000,000,000,000th of the information here. I’m going in crazy broad strokes. But, even at that…just think about what it means to debate whether or not the Universe is static or not for one second and you can see the dilemma this line of thinking brought about.

You do see it, right? OK, I’ll help.

See with this idea of the nature of the Universe, you’re not knocking on the door of the scientist…you’re knocking on the door of the Pope. Since forever, the Church had more to do and say about the origins of the Universe than a scientist did. In fact, for most of our history Astrology has been taken far more seriously than Astronomy. To say that there was a Big Bang? Well, that was stepping on some pretty big toes right up through the 1950’s and even in many ways today.

For example; Did you know that Copernicus (a Catholic “cleric”/vicar, if you will) didn’t publish his findings regarding Heliocentrism (in the book On the Revolutions of the Celestial Spheres) until he was close to death? Why? Well, before this, it was well known that God created the Universe in Genesis and that the Earth was the center of it all…

Not so fast my little altar boy!

Heliocentrism stated that the Sun was the center of it all…not the Earth, which God had created. Better still, it had the formulas to prove it. The Sun, the giver of life, was the center of it all…the Son, giver of Catholic Guilt, was not.

Copernicus pointing to his house on his model of the Universe

Scary stuff, really.

Another aspect of this ages old death match was the work of Father Georges Henri Joseph Éduard Lemaître, a Beligian priest. This is the guy, who basically hypothesized the Big Bang. He said that based on Hubble’s Laws (which stated in part that the Universe was expanding) you could trace backwards to when the universe was smaller…and well, do the math. He believed that there was a “primeval atom” of immeasurable density and heat that was infinitesimally small where it all began. Within that “atom”, the laws of physics doubled over into themselves and the 4 fundamental forces (gravity, electromagnetism, strong and weak nuclear forces) became in essence, one. (This is ridiculously oversimplifying AND adding in some other theories from later on…but give me a break) Then, at some point, something shifted inside that Primeval Atom, or “egg” as he also called it and Gravity separated itself from the other forces and


The Big Bang.

And this dude was a PRIEST! In fact, when the Pope started saying that this proved the Book of Genesis, Lemaître actually told him to sit down and shut up. That this was about science, not religion.

OK, he most likely phrased it better than that.

Georges Lemaître was recently voted the 61st greatest Belgian…61st?! Name me 60 Belgians who did something cooler than come up with the Big Bang, damnit!

However, Einstein himself was so freaked out by the notion of an Expanding Universe PLUS a Big Bang, that he accepted the Math, but rejected the Philosophy…in essence, he said “yeah you carried the one but the final answer is a bit much, don’t you think?”

My point, in all of this, is that I can’t get why these two forces have to play in separate sand boxes. Why can’t it be one AND the other? Why does Science always have to disprove God? Why do zealots think prayer is better than antibiotics? Can’t we find some common ground?

I will now give you the breakdown of what I dig and believe.

Stick with me on this, really. It’s either the dumbest thing I’ve ever written of you’ll think “damn dude, I thought you were just a drunk”.

The hardest tenement of Buddhism for the non-Buddhist to accept is that life is suffering. We hear this and we think “fuck that”. But, to a Buddhist, once you dig the gyst of what this means
everything else on Earth (and in Heaven, wait for it) falls in to place. Here’s the best way I can break it down.

Can you get me a Dalai Lama Mobile? I want to pimp that shit out, P! No? Well can I get a ride with you? P? Hello?

1) The point to life is to experience life. In every way, every thing that can be experienced, should, will, and must be experienced.

2) Life is suffering because of what we attach to the things that happen around us. If the point of life is to experience everything that can be experienced, then “good” and “bad” are irrelevant and counterproductive. You need “bad” to truly get “good”. Everything from genocide to civil rights are nothing more than line items on a cosmic checklist.

3) Everything that we do as an individual expands the collective sum of our experiences. By expanding and diversifying (expanding) the sum total of what we have experienced, we will eventully become closer (collapsing) together in our shared humanity.

4) We share this collective experience in a realm of consciousness, not physicality. However, everything that we share in our consciousness absolutely effects our physical, day to day existence.

Now, this tends to fly in the face of Judeo-Christian ideals which state that there is a definitive “right” and “wrong” to everything…well, not so fast. The best explanation for this discrepency I can nail down is this;

Of course it’s wrong, for example to “kill”. But what I take out of this Buddhist approach isn’t in conflict with the Commandments because I think what they are saying is that once we’ve evolved enough, or EXPANDED our consciousness enough, we wouldn’t do it not because it’s “wrong” but because it simply isn’t part of our being anymore. We will recognize that to do unto other’s means that you are literally doing unto yourself.

In essence, you become enlightened beyond that nonsense. So it’s not “Thou shalt not Kill” because it’s wrong. It’s “Thou shalt not kill” because you’ve evolved past it.

It’s not an edict. It’s a milestone.

A little help? These things are heavy.

Still with me?

The Universe is rocketing out in to the void with no regard for right or wrong. Matter is being smashed apart and sucked in to Supernovas and Blackholes, and the pieces of the whole (the Universe) are refolding and being crushed over itself. (destroying and dousing the lights) It’s being attracted to other matter, forming density and creating planets and stars and exploding in to new forms of itself (creating and igniting the light) and it’s doing this with no other purpose than to expand. It doesn’t say “that’s wrong” or “that’s right”. It simply is. Its Book of Genesis is laid out in the Big Bang Theory’s math on the table of Copernicus and Einstein and Lemaître.

The Universe is the “macro” version of what we ourselves are doing with significantly less time and space in which to work. It is working in stars and solar systems, and billions of years creating and destroying and expanding and all that there is exists because of its primeval atomic womb in which all was created. (We are working with maybe 80 years in Detroit and Malaysia, but the parallel is there.) And all of this is connected by Carbon and the spirals of Pi. It’s life. It’s all connected. It is, quite simply and in my humble opionion, what I mean when I say the word “God”.

Am I done yet? Hell no.

Just like those zany Christians say, we were created in its image. Which means that our “death”, the end of our time given to grow and expand and become more than we were when we first started out from our “little bang” must have a Cosmic or Universal Equivalent. A time when the Universe will no longer be able to expand. When all of the heat and intensity of the Big Bang will have pushed it out as far as it’s capable of going and it will shrink back…back through all it had become, back down through the now cooling fabric of space and time (Einstein worked that “fabric of Space and Time” bit out)…and it will become something else entirely. But with all of the pieces it created still within itself.

After all, any scientist will tell you that energy never truly disappears, right? It just becomes something else. And since the “something” it was can now be traced back to the egg it all started in…out of which all elements were formed and from which all life began, well…to me that means;

Consciousness, as a part of life, evolved from the Big Bang. What began with an explosion of H and He (Hydrogen and Helium, baby) formed all the other elements in the raging fires of the subsequent Stars (Hoyle proved that, yo) which in turn formed density and matter, which in turn fostered an area for those elements to blend, which in turn created the environments that fostered life…

Much like the little cells we all were in the beginning, we all became so much more at the end. When we go back, we are basically the same but far, far more. We are all little pieces of the Universe.

And when the Universe can no longer expand and it begins to shrink back, it will take with it far, far more than that with which it started expanding. It will take back all the matter it created and all the experiences we gave to it as the fruits of our lives. It will take it all back to where it began and revert back to that Primeval Egg in which all of this will go collectively.

Ashes to Ashes, Dust to Dust.

You may now feel free to call me crazy, question the level of my meds, or wonder if I’ve been wearing a helmet. That’s cool…I get that a lot. Tomorrow I will write about Bondage. (It’s overdue and frankly it’s a topic that needs exploring.) Today, you get mind candy.

“Seven Schools in Seven States and the Only Thing Different is My Locker Combination” -or- The Back to School Blogger Happy Hour

Posted in Uncategorized by inowpronounceyou on September 4, 2007


(Photo Creds to Kathryn On)

As a kid I moved around quite a bit and consequently I’ve always been able to relate to the “Christian-Slater-as-JD-quote” listed in the title of this post. I started school in Connecticut at North-East Elementary, where Mr. Hardicker would actually bang his hands on your desk if you were sipping Scotch out of your Muppet Show Thermos…

I alway felt that was a bit extreme myself.

I went to schools in Massachusetts and Vermont after Connecticut, and they were all basically the same, really. I mean, kids are kids. There’s the smart kid and the funny kid, the geeky kid and the class cutie. But on the first day of school you had a chance to reinvent yourself with some cool kicks (It was Zips in elementary school Air Jordans after that) and some sweet bling.(Sweet Bling = Trapper Keepers and cool book bags)

For example, there was a Dukes of Hazard backpack that I recall was the bomb. I got several “trade ya’s” offers for that one…

Anyhow, the first day of school was all about anxiety and reconnection. The school was waxed and washed and ready for the little hooligans it had spat out just a few short months ago. For us kids of course, that long summer was all about getting the last school year’s pain out of our heads and getting ready to come back a whole school year older!

As a sidenote:

The one year that I spent in Sacred Heart Catholic School for Wayward Boys Who Want to be Criminal Masterminds was completely different than all these other memories. Yes, I was indeed a Catholic School Boy. For one year. One loooong, painful year. And, if I may be so bold as to offer advice to young parents out there;

If your child has never been confirmed…never done the CCD “thing”…doesn’t know that the wafer of our lord is NOT called a “cracker”…well, you can’t be surprised when he makes statements to the effect of “Jesus’ mama was a whore” b/c he didn’t realize that there were, in fact, TWO Mary’s of prominence in the bible, thus getting in to “HOLY-MARY-MOTHER-OF-GOD” trouble.

Just sayin’.

Moving right along…

I loved the first day of school. It was all about wearing the new clothes (that your mom would freak the fuck out over if you got ’em dirty.) and using that new Trapper Keeper. The pecking order of the bus alone was good for probably $50K in therapy. That’s not even factoring in the cafeteria seating paranoia…but man I wouldn’t trade it for the world. I loved every second of it. Well, actually, I loved it after elementary school ended and high school started. High school was for some reason much, much easier for me..

I digress.

This time of year is when kids are being kids more than ever. Holding up liquor stores and huffing glue…we love the little bastards and what going back to school brings out of them. Think about it…it’s not the summer when you’re most kid-like. It’s in school! Hallway pranks and watching out for the “older kids” and whatever vague concept of hazing you had in your head. School was where you found your Winnie Cooper and your gang of friends that made all that insecurity easier to handle. School was the place where you staked your claim to who you were going to be.

If it were the other way, you’d remember the first day of summer far more clearly than the first day of school…and who can say that’s really the case?

To commemorate this milestone in our lives and get really, really friggin’ drunk, please join us at the Madhatter for drinks, wedgies, and nostalgia.

With you as always are your hosts;



Virgle Kent

And well…ME.

As well as a super fantastic new host; Just Going With It

AND, as if that’s not enough…your UBER COOL SPECIAL GUEST HOST;

DC Cookie

Bring whatever you got for pics…that means, for example, your old lunch box. Or, another good example might be your school girl uniform. Did I mention that plaid makes me buy SC&L’s? Oh hell yes.

Get there early and you might even get to see VK and I take Arjewtino’s lunch money.

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