I Now Pronounce You

House of 1000 Muppets

Posted in Uncategorized by inowpronounceyou on October 31, 2007

I love Horror movies. LOVE. THEM. They appeal to that side of me that loves driving fast and feeling my heart pound. There’s also the other side of me; the “I love the Muppets” side…and I don’t trust anyone that doesn’t. Seriously, you don’t dig the Muppets? What’s wrong with you? So, in honor of Halloween I give you this little nugget of genius.



But for now, Happy Halloween!!! Be safe out there, kids.


Congratu…ugh…lations and What I Hope For

Posted in Uncategorized by inowpronounceyou on October 29, 2007

Congratulations to the Red Sox and their fans. I know what it feels like when your team wins a World Series; it’s a high unlike any other in sports, especially if you’ve been following the team all year. It’s an investment to pay attention for a whole baseball season, and the payoff of a trophy is simply amazing. It’s part joy, part relief, healthy dash of hysteria. Also, a big congrats to the Colorado Rockies and their fans. I know what it’s like when your team loses a World Series, too. It sucks. It’s a drain and it feels just awful. But boys, I have never seen a team come down the stretch like that. 21/22? Simply amazing. Chins up, lads. You still get the pennant, and that’s no small feat.

Here’s to both your years…


As for ARod opting out…

Fuck him.

I once summed up how I feel about ARod and his lack of accountability, which if you’ve been reading you know how I loath…

But now, he’s taken it to a whole new level. Blowing off the Hank Aaron award? Opting out on the day of game 4?

Piss off, ARod. I hope the Yankees stick to their guns and refuse to negotiate with you. I hope the Red Sox decide that your numbers aren’t worth your drama. I hope the Dodgers decide to go ahead with hiring Joe Torre and he tells them under no circumstances should they bring you in. I hope the Mets realize that David Wright is juuuuust fine at third and Jose Reyes rocks at SS, and they don’t need you.

Leaving you with the Angels who suddenly don’t have to compete with anyone else and who I hope offer you less than what the Yankees were prepared to give to you.

And above ALL ELSE, I hope that someday soon Derek Jeter hoists another World Series Trophy high above his head and looks right in to the camera and says “Fuck You, Alex”.

As for the rest of the off season…

I hope that;

-Joe Girardi gets an offer from the Yankees today and revitalizes a team that sorely needs it.

-Andy Pettitte and Mariano Rivera come back and pitch for the Yankees.

-Roger Clemes doesn’t.

-when pitchers and catchers report for spring training, Jorge is catching a lineup of Chamberlain, Kennedy, Hughes, Wang, and Pettitte.

-they pitch as well as I think they can.

-Joe Crede or Adrian Beltre winds up at third. (I would say Ryan Zimmerman, but honestly I want him right here in DC)

-I hope that Joe Torre winds up in LA with the Dodgers, and he steers them back to the Series in ’08 where they meet the Yankees. Oh what a story that would be…

Any Dodgers fans wanna bet on it?

And with that, I put baseball to bed for 2007. I already can’t wait for opening day, 2008 in the new stadium, and I already know that I’m going to be there. Who’s with me?


Posted in Uncategorized by inowpronounceyou on October 26, 2007

Magnum PI says "Even Higgins knows Prostate Cancer is no joke"

Of all the things we men do NOT like thinking about, Prostate Cancer is probably near the top of the list. That and the shower scene in American History X. At any rate, this is one of those “if I don’t think about it, it’s all good” things that we men do to ourselves because…well…because we’re men and we hate doctors. So, despite the fact it’s the most common form of non-skin cancer in the US, or that it’s going to hit 1 in 6 (1 in 6!) of us, or even that 27,000 of us will die each year from it…

We don’t think about it, we don’t talk about it, and we damn sure don’t get checked out for it.

That attitude is the reason that Movember is all the more necessary.

The Bandit would totally fight Prostate Cancer

Movember is an annual fundraiser for Prostate Cancer Awareness. Each November, “Mo Bros” around the world will grow moustaches in an effort to raise both money and awareness to fight Prostate Cancer…and this year, I’m on the Movember team, the Committee for the Restoration of Trebek’s Upper Lip Hair.

The team;

Team Captain and fearless leader, FoxyMoron,





And Shiftless Badger

Starting on 11/1, The Committee will be growing out some big beautiful moustaches and not shaving them off until 11/30. This is a month long grow-your-mo fest culminating in the Movember Party to celebrate our newly found 70’s cool and the money we’ve raised for a great cause.

Now, for me? This is going to be one serious ‘stache, folks. A month without shaving the mo? Yikes. I could look like something out of a Hells Angels meeting! Especially if my father is any indication. That man’s mo houses endangered species I kid you not. But, it’s for a damn good cause so I’m down with going all Ron Jeremy. And, since it is a fundraiser, here’s where I hit you up for your help;

By clicking here, you can make a donation and sponsor me in my Movember Endeavor. Even $1 is greatly appreciated! And as an added incentive, high donation gets to help me shave it off…

If you’re in to that sort of thing.

Sponsor INPY…it’s the feel good thing to do.

I’ll keep you posted throughout the month with updates on how my fundraising is going and how the ‘stache is coming in. In LA, NY, and Europe they say the goal is to hit $200. I think that’s a fair target and totally doable. In the meantime, if you’ve got suggestions about which mo I should grow, send me an email and let me know. (wait…is that like haiku?)

Thank you!

The World Series

Posted in Uncategorized by inowpronounceyou on October 24, 2007

Obviously, I’m less excited about the Series than I thought I was going to be, what with the Red Sox in it against the Rockies. The sting is still there, folks, believe me. However, unlike many fans I am a baseball fan first and a Yankees fan second. So, in keeping with that fact, I’m going to tell you how I see this series.

Oh, and if you know nothing about baseball and are dating a fan, I guarantee a few quotes form this post will get you the “WOW baby, where did THAT come from?!”

Now then;

Everyone is going to tell you that this series is going to come down to Boston’s superior pitching and hitting, and that’s that. I say bullshit. This Rockies team is better than people are giving them credit for, which is hard to believe when you’ve won 21/22 games but it’s true. The sad fact is that no one stayed up past their bed time to see how truly special this team is…

Consider the fact that the Rockies have an ERA of 2.8 (last time I checked) this postseason and in 22 games have given up just two unearned runs. Now consider the fact that the reason that the Sox were able to beat Cleveland at all was a pitching fade that was just short of shocking. All due respect Boston fans, it’s true. After game 4, the Indians just stopped playing. They stopped throwing strikes, started making stupid plays and bad decisions, and all but laid down for Boston. The Sox pitching was not that great outside of Beckett and one game by Schilling, and their bullpen is, well, not that bad ass, either. Throw in, for good measure, that Tim Wakefield won’t be pitching and John Lester will…

It ain’t the pitching that will make the difference.

So it’s the offense, right? Well, not so fast there, either. The Sox can certainly score with the best of them, having lead the league run differential. But the Rocks lead the NL in the same stat. Clearly, both teams can put up the numbers. But, let’s not forget that Ortiz can’t DH in Colorado, and the Rox pitchers don’t have to hit in Fenway. Consequently, those numbers should even out a bit as well…

And just to be sure that I’m letting it all hang out, let’s not forget that during the first half of the Season when the Red Sox looked to be running away with the AL East, the Rockies came to Fenway for 3 games of interleague play and absolutely beat the shit out of the Red Sox, 2 games to 1, with a combined score of 20-5.

So, I’m picking the Rockies, right?


Despite the fact that I think way too many writers are giving far too little credit to the little team that could from Colorado, I’m picking the Red Sox in 6. I have a very different reason, though.

In a word; Speed.

Yorvit Torrealba, catcher for the Rockies, has absolutely no gun. He’s zero threat to throw out anyone, let alone the speedy runners the Sox will have on base in Pedroia, Ellsbury, and Lugo, and Crisp. (should he ever get in to the game) They know it, the Red Sox know it, hell, everyone in baseball knows it. I look for the Sox to pressure the Rockies with a very NL style of play by stealing and executing hit and runs early and often and forcing the Rockies in to stressful pitching situation after stressful pitching situation.

It pains me to say it, but there’s going to be another trophy in Boston. I’m rooting like mad for Colorado to win and I can see, with a few breaks here and there, how they could actually pull it off…

But I wouldn’t bet the farm on it. God help me, the Sox win this in 6 games.

“I Used to Think You Were a Dick” and Zakk Wylde

Posted in Uncategorized by inowpronounceyou on October 23, 2007

From the time that I could open my mouth I’ve dealt with the ugly side of the Perception v. Reality debate from most of the people I’ve met. That is to say that I have heard “you know, when I first met you I though you were (insert negative adjective here)” more than you can imagine. I’ve been told it’s my Sagittarius’ nature; that I come across as being a touch arrogant and conceited when really, I’m just comforable being talkative and love the back and forth of debate and conversation…without being the sort to just say “you’re right” in the interest of making friends. The fact that I’ve got a rather outgoing personality can seem, at first, fake. That I’m “on” for certain people at certain times.

Then, people get to know me and realize it’s just the way I am. That arrogance doesn’t weigh in to the equation and that I’m not saying “you’re wrong”, but rather, “this is what I think”. In short, people see certain aspects of the often debated “Alpha” and assume that I must be all of the aspects of “Alpha”…

I’ve heard it from damn near everyone that I consider my closest, dearest friends. They started out one way and wound up completely turned around. It’s actually sort of funny to think of all the times I’ve had the same conversation.

Having said that, it does go both ways. I’m prone to making snap decisions about people and saying “yeah, I know who you are” without really having enough data to have the right to it. I hate it when I do it…because I know how much it sucks to have it done to me.

I’m working on that.

So, in the interest of not rushing to snap decisions about things, plus a touch of broadening your musical horizons…I give you Zakk Wylde.

Zakk is Ozzie’s guitar player. He landed that gig when he was 19…19! Legend has it he’d practice playing from the second school let out until he had to go back the next day…he’d catch up on his sleep in class. He’s played with Damage Plan, has a sick hard and heavy band, Black Label Society, and is just a jaw dropping guitar player.

Now, just for a second take all of what “being Ozzie’s guitar player” means and set it aside. He’s not just that guy…he’s also this guy. This is why I dig him.


Also, Zakk has been on Aqua Teen Hunger Force and done sketch comedy with Jim Breuer. Never judge a book by it’s (Heavy Metal) cover.

Happy Hour Recap and the Weekend That Was

Posted in Uncategorized by inowpronounceyou on October 22, 2007

I’ve said it before and I’m going to say it again; these Happy Hours are a truly great time for DC Bloggers made better by the new bloggers that choose to brave it and show up. Throw in some of the “old school” bloggers that came, and Friday night at the Chi Cha was an absolute blast. Thank you to everyone that refused to let the rain ruin the evening and showed up wet and thirsty.

As for me;

Friday night my gameplan was simple;

#1) Get something to eat beforehand.

#2) No shots.

#3) Home before the street lights turn off.

The first one was easy; Arjewtino, some friends, and I met up at Cue Bar for burgers. Sounds innocent enough, right? Wrong. Let me sum up; our bartender/waitress for the evening was wearing a rather revealing (Umm…ridiculously revealing) shirt and a push up bra and two of our friends were female.

The first hour of our night; How much of an inappropriate beeeyatch the bartender was and that if we saw her without her makeup on, we wouldn’t think she was that hot.

Honestly, I don’t think any of the men had noticed she had a head.

I digress.

When we got to the Chi Cha at 8:00 it was for the most part empty. That changed quickly. VERY quickly. By 10:00 the entire bar was bloggers and guests whooping it up and having an amazing time.

Some of the highlights for me;

– Seeing Kathryn On, which is always cool.

– Meeting Namaste at long, long last and finding out that she is every bit as wonderful as you’d think she is from reading her blog.

– Getting to meet and talk to EJ Takes Life about writing.

– Offering the Birdal Bird congratulations in person on her upcoming wedding and the coolest proposal ever.

– Seeing Heather B back in DC.

– Getting to meet the lovely Culinary Couture.

– Discussing the Yankees demise with Bruce.

– AND, somehow managing to only do ONE shot the entire night. For me kids, this is the impressive stuff. But it’s true; I did one shot with Kathryn’s man, a notorious Yankees Fan, and Roissy, and it was a toast/fare-thee-well to Joe Torre.

Because of the limited shot intake, I accomplished two things; I made it out of Chi Cha without laying down an obscene amount of money AND I was able to get up relatively early on Saturday and take care of all kinds of stuff that I had to do, which included buying a Redskin’s jersey.

Another smashing success of a Happy Hour. Thank you to my super cool co hosts and everyone that came, and we hope to see more of you next time. I am sure that in my HH wrap up I’ve forgotten to mention something, but you’ll have to forgive me..it’s Monday morning and..well, yeah; it’s Monday morning.

Some other notes from the weekend;

-The Red Sox…Jesus Christ, here we go. As if the New England area isn’t a big enough pain in the ass what with the Patriots being like Uber Good, now we had to have the Indians follow in the foot steps of the Angels and lay down and the Sox are in the Series. I mean, what the fuck, Cleveland?! You did know that it was a 7 game series, right? You are not supposed to stop playing after game 4. Nicely done.

Things I never thought I’d do; root for an expansion team…but COME ON COLORADO!!!!

My only hope here is that this will hasten the “Oh SCREW NEW ENGLAND” sentiment that has been building since the Red Sox won the series. When that happened I said that now people would see the Nation for what it really was, and they have. The bandwagon jumping, pink hat wearing fervor has actually been rather entertaining…but winning it again?

People are going to long for the Yankees. 🙂

-One of my favorite parts of the weekend these days; the Dupont Farmers market. The walk down from Columbia Heights to Dupont is great, then milling about the market and buying produce and people watching…perfect Sunday. What made it even better was having a very early brunch at the Front Page, followed by football watching, pumpkin carving, and baseball with a late swordfish dinner all with the woman I’ve been dating*…

Now, that’s a Sunday.

-The Redskins are trying to make us crazy. Please Joe, for the love of God learn from the Indians and don’t go in to “hold ’em” mode with the lead. Why is it that every week you do this?! You get a lead and you stop attacking, and you are causing major league heart problems in the DC area. KNOCK. THAT. SHIT. OFF. Next week it’s the Patriots. If, by the grace of God, there is any point where you have the lead…DON’T SLOW DOWN!!!

And, beating the Patriots would be ubersuperfantastic cool.

-But Colorado beating the Red Sox would be even cooler.

-Assuming that my Netflix show up tonight, I’m looking at trying to choose between 28 Days Later then 28 Weeks Later, the second half of Dexter Season One which I’m rewatching, or Heroes. 9 out of 10 nights there’s nothing I really want to watch. Tonight, there’s too much.

Go figure.

* Yes, I’ve been dating someone for a while now. I don’t write about it, as it’s all a bit dodgy in the details and I don’t want to jinx it…but it’s been going well, it’s been going on for a while now, and I’m just going to leave it at that. Oh, and the Redskins jersey I bought was for her, and it was Chris Cooley.

Three Tuesdays in a Row

Posted in Uncategorized by inowpronounceyou on October 19, 2007

“What an ugly morning.”

That’s what I thought when I looked outside today. It’s dark, humid, destined to storm and rain and be just, well; ugly. I hate this weather, just like I’ve hated this whole week. This was one of those weeks where you swear that somehow it’s been at least 14 days since you last had a weekend. Has to be. You can’t pack as much crap as I’ve dealt with this week in to 5 days. Can’t be done. Impossible.

All week long I kept looking at Friday and it felt like it was getting further and further away. It was as if I’d had three Tuesdays in a row. And, after three Tuesdays in a row, you start to get pissed off at everything. Nothing feels right. Everything is harder than it should be and you really do start to think “maybe I should just (coughfakecough) call in sick and take a break”. But,since I don’t do that, I pushed on.

And today, the seas have parted, the manna has fallen, and the heaven’s have finally delivered me from my 40 year long 5 day work week.

I just have to get throught this one dark, humid, ugly day…and then I get to exhale at the Blogger Crush Happy Hour. I’m hoping to see lots of new faces and blogger crushes tonight! Love me some new faces…and, if you’re on the fence about showing up, let me tell you again; the community here in DC is really something special, so don’t be afraid to brave the nasty storm clouds and come out and be part of it. Dive right in, the water’s warm. Just find the hosts and we’ll make sure that your transition from newbie to member is smooth sailing.

Trust me, we’re professionals. Just get yourself to the Chi Cha and we’ll take it from there…

On another completely unrelated note, a huge, HUGE, “GOOD FUCKING LUCK” to my friend, the Brooklyn Boy. For those of you that don’t know him (cause he just came down to DC to check out our scene) or haven’t read him (you’re missing out!) here’s the deal;

He’s a writer for the Baseball Hall of Fame, but his heart lies with basketball. And, on Monday, he’s interviewing for a gig with the NBA. To me this is blasphemy, but to him, it’s nirvana. (the heavenly perfection “nirvana”…not the buckshot mouthwash “Nirvana”.) Go get ’em, BB.

And on that note, see ya tonight!

Take Your Ungrateful Ways and Shove ‘Em Up Your Ass

Posted in Uncategorized by inowpronounceyou on October 18, 2007

Thanks for the memories, Joe.

Today, Joe Torre turned down a $5MM+ (the plus being incentives that would have made it $8MM) offer from the New York Yankees to coach for one year. My guess is that to say the Yankees owners were stunned would be a gross, horrific understatement. It probably never entered their minds that Joe (or Mr. Torre, as Jeter calls him) would ever say “screw you” and walk.

I’m going to assume that it was the “one year” part of the offer that made him pass. He’s earned better than that. When you’ve succeeded at the level that he has, you aren’t interested in test drives or suffering through probationary periods. You deserve better…that one year offer was the Yankees daring him to say “no”. Joe said “no”. And you know what?

I think it’s great.

Am I nervous? Hell yes! As a Yankees fan, to go from Joe to an uncertain replacement is terrifying. However, there comes a time where you’ve done enough to warrant better treatment than you’re getting. To succeed at the level that Torre did and still have to sweat his job was absurd. At some point you have to just look ’em in the eye and say “fuck you, you ungrateful spoiled child, I deserve better than this. ”

We should all have a bit of that in us for when push comes to shove.

Good for you, Joe. Good for you.

Just please…for the love of GOD…don’t manage the Red Sox. I don’t think my heart could take it.

Flirting with Disaster, Close Calls, and Brushes with the Next Step in the INPY Quest for World Domination

Posted in Uncategorized by inowpronounceyou on October 18, 2007

This past week, several local bloggers were interviewed by the Washington Post for a piece that was to appear in the Sunday Source. Myself included. Sadly, at the last minute there was a change of plans because the editor decided that he wanted to use our real names and…well…that’s just not going to fly. Not for a lot of us anyhow. Rather than take a chance I politely declined to have my interview used in the piece which sucked because, well…I mean, come on! It’s the Washington Post!

At any rate, this marks my second brush with wider exposure I’ve had since I’ve started this blog. The first was when a local establishment wanted me to act as an online personality of sorts…part blogger, part spokesperson I guess you could say. I met with the owner who is something of a local celebrity (you’d all know him, believe me) and had a fantastic conversation about what I could bring to the table and then…

It just kinda died on the vine.

I won’t get in to who it was because I’ve still got high hopes that the whole thing could jump start itself and we’ll be back in business. But, if you see me at the HH and you’re curious, just ask. The story and the irony alone make it a great story, and if/when I’m sure it’s dead, I’ll tell it here.

However, there is something else that I’m getting involved with coming up that I’ve got really, really high hopes for…it’s a surprise for now but when the time is right, I’ll let you know. It’ll be by the end of the month and worth the wait.

Ultimately though, these near hits and chance opportunities that haven’t materialized have been about my writing. Which, when I distill it down even further, is about my voice. It might sound odd to anyone that knows me to hear me say that writing this has really helped me find my voice, as I’ve got a mouth that is the stuff of legend. Even still, it’s true. You realize when you’re writing just where your internal censors lie and, more importantly, why they are there. And in the words of GI Joe, “Knowing is half the battle”.

So, oddly enough, I owe a certain amount of my current clarity to the fact that I blog. Which I’m still trying to wrap my head around. But, it’s true…once I open up and let fly the slings and arrows of my inner most workings, I find that I’m more dialed in to what I’m really thinking about. That in turn makes it easier for me to write. It’s a pretty hip cycle really.

In other words; there are about a million things that I am now ready to dive in to and I can’t wait. There is more self examination, more life decisions, and generally well…just more. This year, from getting engaged, ditched and back up, to making efforts and falling out with a part of my family, all kinds of things have been turned up and over. Weird stuff. Forgotten stuff. My stuff. And all of this “stuff” (I feel like George Carlin saying stuff over and over again) is what makes me, me. Like it or not, that’s the way it is.

Be afraid. Be very, very afraid.

Also, don’t forget that the Happy Hour is now just one day away. I’m looking forward to seeing old friends and meeting some new DC Bloggers…just come on up and say “Hi” when you get there. We don’t bite. Well…she does.

The Slippery Slope of the Holiday Season

Posted in Uncategorized by inowpronounceyou on October 17, 2007

So kids, it’s October and the chill is in the air. Thanksgiving and Christmas are around the corner, and the WS is approaching. Can ya stand it? Wasn’t it just 90 degrees and humid? Well, yes, here in DC it was, actually. But, it’s still October. And since it’s October I’m already bracing myself for the onslaught that is what I call the slippery slope to New Year’s Eve. Already my head is getting wrapped around the fact that even though the calendar says 10/17, it might as well say 12/31.


Because it’s right about now that I realize every year just how fast it’s gonna whip by. When I say “it” I mean the rest of the year. Think about it;

This weekend you’re going to start thinking about Halloween. So you get all geared up for that, figuring out parties, costumes, and what not. Or maybe this year you’d rather just hang in and give out candy but either way, the next thing you know, you’re watching It’s the great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown

BANGhellooooo, November.

Now it’s all about “where am I going for Thanksgiving? Are we driving? Flying? And God Damnit, I have to make reservations”…so you knock out your plans and suddenly it’s about making sure that everything at work is covered. And in the middle of all that planning it hits you that, fuck, Christmas and all that crap is coming…so we better ummm…I mean, we should figure out what we’re doing for that, right? Who all do we have to buy presents for? Where are we staying? Is your Uncle Larry going to get hammered and call me your ex’s name again?


In the midst of all this chaos you suddenly find in the blink of an eye that you’re passing the Cranberries and, as a friend put it, remembering why you moved away in the first place. “Wasn’t it just…I mean…we still have that Jack o’ Lantern on the front porch don’t we?”

Which of course means that you then wake up and it’s December. Holy Hell how did that happen? So you try and get yourself all geared up for the onslaught that is the Holiday season, but before you know it, it’s the big birthday;


So you celebrate that High Holiday with the Holy Trinity;

Patron, Yuengling, SC&L..

and KAPOW!

It’s the 20th, and you’re not even CLOSE to done with all your shopping, and your plane leaves in 2-4 days. Having fun yet? OF COURSE NOT!!! Because you also need to figure out if you’re going to get tickets to that New Year’s Eve party, and you better do it now, because if not you’re going to be screwed come the 31st. But do you really want to pay all that money for the mad house that is a semi-open bar and all the second rate apps you can eat? Isn’t someone having a House Party? And how can this be here already!? I still have turkey sandwiches don’t I? DAMNIT!!!

Now you’re trying to call people to find out what they are doing on New Year’s Eve and everyone is saying “oh we’ll figure it out” but that doesn’t work for you because you have to leave for wherever the hell you’re going and you gotta get this nailed down NOW NOW NOW….

And of course, NOW NOW NOW you’ve fought through the airports or highways or both and are calmly tearing open presents and sneaking nips of Jack Daniels while watching It’s A Wonderful Life (Best line; “Now back off Bert or I’ll slug ya again!”) as you feel the warm glow of the Holiday season wash over you. (It might be the JD)

Of course, you still didn’t nail down those NYE plans did ya, sport?

But you know damn well, before you can even blink just once more, you’ll be in the new sweater she bought you (that you can’t decide if you really like) counting down a big silver ball and wondering what resolutions you’ll make and break by early February this year. It’s at that moment that you’ll find you’re saying to yourself “wasn’t I just reading about this on INPY? Where the hell did October go, anyways? And just what the fuck am I doing in Adam’s Morgan?! I friggin’ knew we should have bought those tickets to the good NYE party back in November.”

You heard it here first.

Happy New Year, kids.

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