I Now Pronounce You

The Slippery Slope of the Holiday Season

Posted in Uncategorized by inowpronounceyou on October 17, 2007

So kids, it’s October and the chill is in the air. Thanksgiving and Christmas are around the corner, and the WS is approaching. Can ya stand it? Wasn’t it just 90 degrees and humid? Well, yes, here in DC it was, actually. But, it’s still October. And since it’s October I’m already bracing myself for the onslaught that is what I call the slippery slope to New Year’s Eve. Already my head is getting wrapped around the fact that even though the calendar says 10/17, it might as well say 12/31.


Because it’s right about now that I realize every year just how fast it’s gonna whip by. When I say “it” I mean the rest of the year. Think about it;

This weekend you’re going to start thinking about Halloween. So you get all geared up for that, figuring out parties, costumes, and what not. Or maybe this year you’d rather just hang in and give out candy but either way, the next thing you know, you’re watching It’s the great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown

BANGhellooooo, November.

Now it’s all about “where am I going for Thanksgiving? Are we driving? Flying? And God Damnit, I have to make reservations”…so you knock out your plans and suddenly it’s about making sure that everything at work is covered. And in the middle of all that planning it hits you that, fuck, Christmas and all that crap is coming…so we better ummm…I mean, we should figure out what we’re doing for that, right? Who all do we have to buy presents for? Where are we staying? Is your Uncle Larry going to get hammered and call me your ex’s name again?


In the midst of all this chaos you suddenly find in the blink of an eye that you’re passing the Cranberries and, as a friend put it, remembering why you moved away in the first place. “Wasn’t it just…I mean…we still have that Jack o’ Lantern on the front porch don’t we?”

Which of course means that you then wake up and it’s December. Holy Hell how did that happen? So you try and get yourself all geared up for the onslaught that is the Holiday season, but before you know it, it’s the big birthday;


So you celebrate that High Holiday with the Holy Trinity;

Patron, Yuengling, SC&L..

and KAPOW!

It’s the 20th, and you’re not even CLOSE to done with all your shopping, and your plane leaves in 2-4 days. Having fun yet? OF COURSE NOT!!! Because you also need to figure out if you’re going to get tickets to that New Year’s Eve party, and you better do it now, because if not you’re going to be screwed come the 31st. But do you really want to pay all that money for the mad house that is a semi-open bar and all the second rate apps you can eat? Isn’t someone having a House Party? And how can this be here already!? I still have turkey sandwiches don’t I? DAMNIT!!!

Now you’re trying to call people to find out what they are doing on New Year’s Eve and everyone is saying “oh we’ll figure it out” but that doesn’t work for you because you have to leave for wherever the hell you’re going and you gotta get this nailed down NOW NOW NOW….

And of course, NOW NOW NOW you’ve fought through the airports or highways or both and are calmly tearing open presents and sneaking nips of Jack Daniels while watching It’s A Wonderful Life (Best line; “Now back off Bert or I’ll slug ya again!”) as you feel the warm glow of the Holiday season wash over you. (It might be the JD)

Of course, you still didn’t nail down those NYE plans did ya, sport?

But you know damn well, before you can even blink just once more, you’ll be in the new sweater she bought you (that you can’t decide if you really like) counting down a big silver ball and wondering what resolutions you’ll make and break by early February this year. It’s at that moment that you’ll find you’re saying to yourself “wasn’t I just reading about this on INPY? Where the hell did October go, anyways? And just what the fuck am I doing in Adam’s Morgan?! I friggin’ knew we should have bought those tickets to the good NYE party back in November.”

You heard it here first.

Happy New Year, kids.


14 Responses to 'The Slippery Slope of the Holiday Season'

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  1. I-66 said,

    This is precisely why I’m already formulating my Santa list and checking it twice. With proper planning, all gifts can be purchased before Thanksgiving, and returned before Christmas for anyone who pisses me off in between.

  2. Jo said,

    I guess this is a bad time to mention this is my favorite part of the year right? I’m the only dumbass who loves the holidays?

  3. Eric said,

    Or you’re me and you already have a costume and a Halloween party to attend, plane tickets home for Thanksgiving and Christmas, and plans for New Years Eve. Now I can just sit back, relax and enjoy the madness while thinking about how money I am.

  4. freckledk said,

    Jesus. I need a valium. That stressed me out, INPY.

    When’s the bday? I need to make a note of it.

  5. Bruce said,

    I think you stole the use of BAM KAPOW etc from my post about people who need a punch in the head. I’m calling ESPN!

    But seriously, I hear you. One minute you are watching the world series, the next you are watching your buddy make an ass of himself at the company Christmas party, and then the Janurary blues set in.

  6. I66; You Sir are a friggin’ genius. I love the “take ’em back if you piss me off” approach. Sounds cathartic.

    Jo; Oh, I love the Holidays…somewhat. I am psyched that I am going to be surrounded by my nieces this year in Maine!

    Eric; HOLY CRAP man, you should have seminars in last quarter preparation!!!

    FreckledK; Sorry about the stress! the Bday is 12/15…me and Don Johnson.

    Bruce: HA! Joke’s on you…I stole that from…oh wait.

  7. WiB said,

    Add in finishing grad school for me, and birthday 12/16. There are simply not enough weekends in December. I need a dispensation to add a couple, just so I can work everything in.

    That said, I am SO looking forward to December.

  8. freckledk said,

    When I was 14, I wanted to marry Don Johnson. Oh, Sonny Crockett. Be still my heart.

  9. Mandy said,

    stop. you’re giving me a headache! i love this time of year. and yes it goes by WAY too fast. but christ on a bike you gotta calm down…

    this just makes me break out in a cold sweat thinking that i’ll wake up and tomorrow will be february and i won’t have a valentine and i. can’t. think. about. that. right. now. cause. it’s. the. holidays. and. people. are. supposed. to. be. HAPPY. right. right??

    see now you’ve sent me into a tizzy. it’s all your fault.

    deep breaths INPY. deep breaths.

  10. College Grad said,

    There’s nothing wrong with Adams Morgan on New Years Eve. Although, I think that New Years might be my least favorite holiday of the year. It just seems like a lot of build up for nothing. All the holiday madness is fun though. Keeps people busy. It’s funny to watch.

  11. throw in a few cross country business trips..three family birthdays.. and the fact that i wont be able to use my usual method of stress reduction.. riding about topless… and …well..i should just borrow some of freckles valium now!

  12. Baby Bien said,

    Don’t forget about my b-day on 12/12…shared with Jennifer Connelly, Blossom, Frank Sinatra and…………………………..Bob Barker.

  13. WiB; Congrats on the finishing of grad school big dog!!

    Freckled K; So laong as that was then and this is …well…not!

    Mandy; I’ve been breathin’ deep for weeks, baby!

    College Grad; I avoid AM. Like the plague. Or staph infections.

    Suicide Blonde; PLEASE tell me you drive a convertible…otherwise this takes on a whole new and wildly distracting meaning.

    Bien; we’re gonna have to have one big bday blowout.

  14. Christie said,

    Oh my goodness! I totally understand. Just this past weekend, I was driving in my car, leaving extremely early from a game that ended up turning out okay. Anyways, i was just cruising along the freeway when randomly, Christmas carols came flying out of my mouth, and I was full on, performance style singing The First Noel. I freaked myself out. I don’t even like Christmas Carols all that much!
    Plus, you know, i do have to agree with college grad on the whole nye is more build up and then total let down. I always feel like I have such high expectations for nye, and then, it’s always just depressing.

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