I Now Pronounce You


“Dr. Mengele? INPY to See You”

Posted in Uncategorized by inowpronounceyou on November 2, 2007

If there’s something I’m not a fan of, it’s doctors. In fact, I outright hate them and I have good reason. From knee problems to my childhood asthma, it’s never been exactly “oooh I get a lollipop” time when I have to go see a doc. Of course, then this happened and suddenly I’ve been having to go every few weeks for checkups and follow ups and blah blah blah…

…and all was going smoothly until some new symptoms popped up and I’m right back in to the mix of things which totally friggin’ sucks. What I hate the most is, really, the guesswork. Break something and it’s cut and dried. Get whacked with something internal, though, and God help you. I swear, if your mechanic approached your car like your doctor approached your body you’d call the BBB. Seriously.

The first mistake my Doc made this time was to say “Well, INPY, it could be something as simple as “this”, or it could be (insert terrifying medical condition here)” Ummm, why the fuck would you say it like that? Have you gone mad? Been struck daft? How about just saying “let’s run some tests” or “I’m going to send you to another Dr.”…not, “let’s put you down, Trigger, cuz clearly, you’re fucked”.

And, how come this didn’t get caught the first friggin’ time ’round the funhouse?

Then he says “you could just have a cold, too, or a low level infection of some sort…I’m going to put you on the same dosage of antibiotics we give people exposed to Anthrax.”

Ummm…whatthefuckareyoutalkingabout?!?! It’s like you’re trying to freak me out, and I don’t get freaked out! But you Sir? You are freakin’ me out!

Then I think he got the message that I was gettin’ a little uneasy…maybe it was the fact that I was trying to open his office window and jump? Either way, he gave me the “relax…99% of the time this is absolutely nothing” line…which is odd to me, because it always seems to be either “50-50” or “99% of the time”. Not comforting, really. But he referred me to, you guessed it, another doctor who will tell me, hopefully, that I am firmly in the 99%, or at least the good 50%. Otherwise, it’s gonna get wierd, god damnit.

Stupid doctors.

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18 Responses to '“Dr. Mengele? INPY to See You”'

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  1. Hey Pretty said,

    Wow, I completely share your fear of doctors, although my neurosis is completely fabricated and self-inflicted. I just hate doctors offices, I hate examine rooms, I hate the whole extremely invasive nature of medicine, and I hate the coldness with which many docs treat their patients.

    But back to you. I hope you’re okay. Not being well can be a scary thing.

    Thanks, HP. I’m sure it’s nothing…just nerve wracking.

  2. freckledk said,

    Let’s think positively. Ignorant bliss is just that – BLISS (not ignorant!).

    You will be fine. F-I-N-E. The stress you are causing yourself now is more likely to do harm than your diagnosis. Hang in, darlin!

    I am trying not to stress…it’s just that doctors make me stress no matter what!!

  3. Jo said,

    My doctors have always been complete idiots who somehow get lucky and I get better, like when my doctor gave me a general antibiotic for Dengue Fever.

    Your doctor, it seems, would scare the living daylights out of anyone! Sheesh! Get well soon.

    OK, that made me feel better, actually…at least he wasn’t like, eh, drink lots of fluids, come back next year.

  4. Lemmonex said,

    What a nightmare…When I was in the depths of hell with my migraines and nothing could make them better, my doctors talked to me about brain tumors and MS. This was a real concern and possibility (which it wasn’t–thankfully) but why even mention it? Just run the tests and then give me the news. Hang in there…

    Gracias. If I do get sick, you’re making me soup
    .

  5. Virgle Kent said,

    hmmmm, maybe you should go see Dr. House… it’ll start out as a harmless cold but by the time he’s done with you, it will be a south American parasite in the left hemisphere of your brain blocking vital hormones your brain produces to fight infection, oh and after they look through your house they’ll find you got that parasite from eating bacon that was put together by a Mexican who didn’t wash his hands….

    Or it could just be a cold….

    I kept thinking “it’s not a too-mah” while listening the this guy guess what was wrong with me.

  6. Arjewtino said,

    So this mathematician practically told you that there’s a 50-50 chance that this is 99% nothing or a 99% chance that it could go either way.

    Beats my doctor, who last week, when I asked him why I was suffering from [insert low-level medical condition here], said, “I don’t know” like Nelson Munch.

    Just what you want to hear, right?! “I don’t know.” Asshats, every one of them.

  7. WiB said,

    Sex Doctor: 60% of the time, the correct diagnosis 99% of the time.

    Hope there’s good news coming. Or really, really good drugs.

    I’m hoping for a little from column A and a little from column B.

  8. kate.d. said,

    lordy. sorry to hear about the weird half-assed kinda diagnosing going on!

    i wonder if they do that because they’ve found most people can’t wait for the tests/bloodwork/whatever to start hypothesizing about what it *might* be. maybe we are a nation of borderline hypchondriacs that go around shaking doctors by the shoulders shouting “how long do i have to live??” when our symptoms are a runny nose and a slight fever.

    and so they just try to beat us to the punch. which is pretty annoying, when you’re not a doctor shaker….

    I’ve never been a Dr Shaker, but I came close in that office.


  9. oh my goodness…this wont interfere with your mustache will it?????
    xoxo

    Hell no it won’t mess with my mo…which should be making an appearance in the coming days as the unshaven beard is starting to come in rather nicely.

  10. carrie m said,

    i’m sorry to laugh, but i can totally hear you saying, ‘but you sir? YOU ARE FREAKING ME OUT”

    anyway. you’ll be all good! doctors are pricks in that they have to say that it could be the Worst Thing In The World. I think they lose a sensitivity censor or something as they go along. but fo rizzle, you’ll be fine! 🙂

    Honestly, he could tell by the way I was looking at him that this was NOT going over well at all!

  11. Bruce said,

    This is why I never go to the doctor unless something is falling off.

  12. exeverything said,

    Iiiiiiiii am so lucky to have a good doctor. He was my junior league hockey coach (yes, I’m a girl; yes, I can play hockey) and he was stellar. He even stitched me up after I was stabbed.

    Also, they have drugs for anthrax? Sweet.

  13. roissy said,

    yeah, no doc for me.

    i self-diagnose. it’s very simple, really. if i can sport wood, i’m healthy.

  14. Lisa said,

    I’m sorry to hear that. You will be in the 99% and it won’t be anything serious. I think doctors get so used to considering terrible things without any emotion that they don’t always think about how terrifying it is for the patient.

  15. Lisa said,

    Oh, plus, isn’t it Cipro that they have you take for Anthrax? They give that for lots of things. If that’s what it is, don’t let the meds freak you out.

  16. namaste said,

    crazy! funny thing is that I just used Dr. Mengele in a reference the other days. you’re brilliant!


  17. That’s why they call it “practicing” medicine. Seriously though, I’m keeping my fingers crossed for good news.

  18. kiwigirl said,

    I had my fair share of horror *doctor* stories while living in London (nothing in my experience can be worse that the NHS!).

    The worst – was the doctor that *googled* my symptoms and then asked if I minded if the drugs he was going to prescribe me had severe side effects (and he had zero bloody idea what was wrong with me!).


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