I Now Pronounce You


Strange Bedfellows

Posted in Uncategorized by inowpronounceyou on November 8, 2007

I went and saw another Dr. for a follow up to my “are you fucking kidding me” appointment last week. Being as it is that I hate doctors, this trip to yet another “specialist” was more than I was mentally ready to deal with on a sunny weekday morning. After my inital Dr’s trip I was told that based on my symptoms I was looking at three options…

The first; it’s nothing. Some low level infection. Could even be a bi-product of the meds you’re taking for your stomach, actually.

The second; VD. What the fuck are you talking about? There are none of the symptoms of any VD I’ve ever heard of!! Is this like some jungles of South America VD!? God damnit this ain’t my day.

The Third; Cancer. That being the “ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!?!” part of our program.

Of course, the deal you make with yourself when you get told this is that right off the bat, it’s not “nothing”. It can’t and won’t be “nothing”. This falls somewhere in between Hypochondria and Pessimism; wherein you tell yourself you can’t be lucky enough to have nothing wrong with you, so you’ve got to be sick.

Because of this I found myself in the very odd position of actually saying; “Please God let it be VD.” How many times in the history of man do you think someone has actually said those words? But there I was walking down K St towards my Dr’s office repeating over and over in my head;

Oh lord, please look down on me, your mostly well behaved though occasionally hedonistic son and deliver unto me a verdict of VD because Oh merciful God I simply do not think that I can fucking deal with Cancer. I ask this in the name of Penicillan, Cipro and Valvtrex, Amen.

So it was with great trepidation that I walked in to my new Dr’s office for the first time and relayed to him what my symptoms are and what, I was told, I was looking at for a diagnosis. His response, right off the bat, was less than comforting;

“Well, that’s accurate”.

Great. Fucking great.

“But let’s not rush to any conclusions before we get some tests done”.

For the better part of 45 minutes I was poked and prodded and drained of fluids to determine what was wrong with me…during which time I’m of course making my plans. My “plans” were made with my inside voice in the form of one liners. For example;

“First thing I do if it’s cancer is go get drunk.”

“If I’ve got VD of any kind, I’m totally hooking up with Alyssa and giving it to her”.

“Who the hell could I have caught VD from?! MUST find her and set her on fire.”

“Mental note to self; never smoke again regardless of the outcome.”

This went on and on, and I’m sure you get the idea. After the 45 minutes or so my Doc came in and said, “I’m going to have your tests run today, and I’ll be calling you to let you know how they came out. But I can tell you this right now…”

Oh heavenly God here it comes…

“Based on your exam, there’s no way this is cancer. So cross that off your list.”

PRAISE JESUS HALLELUJAH I’VE GOT VD!

“We’ll call you in a bit with the results of what we find from your tests…but really, I think you have a low level infection that, when combined with your pre-existing stomach conditions and meds gave you your symptoms.”

Which, I learned later in the day, was exactly what had happened. No VD. No cancer. Just a painful set of symptoms that came from a 1:1000 set of circumstances. When I got the call I was at work and was bracing myself for whatever was to come next. I was prepared for anything, except to hear “you’re fine, INPY.”

And to think I actually rooted for VD.

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18 Responses to 'Strange Bedfellows'

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  1. Arjewtino said,

    Congrats, buddy.

    But there’s no way you would have hooked up with Alyssa.

    Gracias buddy. And you meant to say I wouldn’t hook up with her again.

  2. Virgle Kent said,

    I ruled out VD from the jump…. no way in hell you’d write this post and let the whole web know you’ve got VD……

    unless it was VD and you just switched it with #1 to throw us off the track, great, INPY has Mexican gynocyphaherpella…. Stay away from my jack and cokes

    I’m totally going for your beverage, dude. Oh like you don’t have gynocyphaherpella!

  3. gn said,

    That is good news! I’m glad.

    And thank you for putting my life into perspective. (Which probably does not make sense/mean anything to you, but it does to me. Today. This F*%#@&# week.) 🙂

    Rarely if ever do I provide perspective…but glad to have helped!

  4. gn said,

    PS I hate how wordpress smiley faces turn out.

  5. rabbit said,

    A little off topic. Just read your Alyssa post……Wow. I salute you INPY. Major props……

    That’s the story that just keeps on giving right there.

  6. Mandy said,

    Three cheers for not having VD! (or umm cancer – that too)

    hip horray!

    Word, girl. It’s a clean win across the board.

  7. I-66 said,

    Most of the time, it’s something like “I either have food poisoning, or the flu” or something relatively harmless where the two possible outcomes share symptoms… but I never would have thought I’d hear “VD” and “cancer” in the same story. I’m afraid of going to webmd to find out what the symptoms of VD are, lest I get put into some database that comes back to bite me down the road, but I’m pretty sure the symptoms aren’t that similar.

    Ask me in person next time I see you…maybe I’ll save you the OH MY GOD Dr’s visit.

  8. jamy said,

    Thanks for sharing this–and I’m glad it was nothing serious.

    Years ago a good friend of mine was diagnosed with a possible BRAIN TUMOR because of some of her symptoms. She flew home from college to get an MRI and they found nothing. Turns out her symptoms were caused by some heavy duty meds she was taking for headaches. Stupid doctors weren’t reading the warning labels closely!

    That’s what I couldn’t get over…why dive in to that high end frealy possibility when it could be and ultimately turned out to be nothing?!

  9. carrie m said,

    praise the baby jeebus!

    AMEN!


  10. umm..dude..more people survive cancer than VD….socially speaking that is…i mean with cancer..imagine the sympathy sex…youd die a happpy happy man… but with VD..you live…but chicks wont dig you …
    of course..if your just gonna be…low grade sick.. i suppose all you get…is “get well soon” wishes!!!!
    get well soon!!!
    xoxo

    I never thought of it that way… I just figured it would be nothing but porn for me.

  11. irina said,

    Last Valentine’s Day, while my boyfriend was visiting me, I received a card that said “Congratulations, all tests are within normal levels.”

    I found out that I had no VD on VD. Hilarious.

    Oh sweet irony…that’s the best VD card you can get.

  12. freckledk said,

    Congratulations on not yet contracting VD. The year’s not over….there’s still time!

    If it were The Big C, I would totally cut off my hair and make you a Locks of Love hairpiece that even Ted Danson would respect.

    I’d be a smokin’ hot blonde!!

  13. Jo said,

    Glad to hear the good news! Hooray for infection!

    It’s odd what you find yourself relieved to hear when put in the right context!

  14. rabbit said,

    Just to clarify…..Major props for not wringing her neck.

    You have no idea how much self control that took.

  15. John said,

    Man… there goes the “You got it from Jeter,” joke. Alas.

    HA! I don’t know how I missed that.


  16. I’m glad that you don’t have VD. At least, not the symptomatic kind, apparently.

    And yay for no cancer, too!

    😀

    Hey now! I got tested in every way you can get tested; I am a clean and cancer free moustached man. HOOORAY!

  17. Pann said,

    oh good, not VD, not Cancer. well that’s alright then!

    I’m wondering if you ever have conflicts / issues that you don’t feel comfortable sharing on your own blog because it’s read by people who know you in real life.

    I’ve started a new blog that allows people to have accounts and post their honest rants. The trouble is, right now it’s rather one-sided. I am interested in all perspectives, not just women’s. So many more female bloggers out there…

    Anyway, please stop by and let me know if you’d like an anonymous account. the address is

    ranthaven.com

    and I’m known there as “mrsrant” at “ranthaven” dot “com”….

    Or if any of your (male?) readers want a place to rant, anonymously, it’s free and all.

    thanks…

    Well, let’s see; I’ve written about the humiliation of having my fiance walk out on me, alienated my family by opening up about our issues, and talked about being told I might have cancer or VD and the subsequent testing…does it seem like there’s much I won’t write about?

  18. miss bee said,

    “those crazy kids and their crazy veeeedeeeee…” good to hear you’re aokay.


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