I Now Pronounce You

Alright God Damnit, How Much For the Christmas Spirit?!

Posted in Uncategorized by inowpronounceyou on November 20, 2007

This weekend I started my Christmas shopping…that’s right, you heard me. I started and in fact have almost finished my shopping. This is more out of necessity than it is out of smarts. See, this time of year is not usually all that good for me. No, it’s not that I suffer from the Holiday Blues or anything like that. It’s just that I hate seeing this season turn people in to monsters. The crowds, the stress, the cramped malls…all of it. It makes us all nuts and I can’t deal. However, I usually do very little to counteract any of this. I tend to forget how much suckitude is involved by St. Patrick’s day, only to wind up shell shocked at just how many cars are parked in the mall the following December.

Not this year.

This year I was finally smart enough to realize that it’s gonna get ugly in the shopping centers of America in like 2 days. So, I finally went early.

Quick question, by the way:

When you suburbanites are walking in a parking lot, you do realize that other people are still driving, right? I ask this because it seems that you all tend to walk right down the god damn middle of the area I assumed was for cars to utilize while looking for parking. I could be wrong on this, but I don’t think that I am.

Moving right along.

Once inside, it was so very cool to see a store that wasn’t packed with the stark raving mad faces of the holiday sickness. People were just…kinda…shopping. There was no pushing. No shoving. No rushing around. Just people shopping. For me, this is very important due to the Great Holiday Shopping Incidents of ’92 and ’01. Let me explain;

In 1992 I was a 19, maybe 20 year old kid working at Sears. It was as soul sucking an experience as you can imagine. I digress. I worked there for the Christmas season one year and found myself face to face with a screaming woman who was attacking me with everything she could muster because we had the audacity to have sold out of the Craftsman Toolbox she just had to have for her husband. “It’s right here in the fucking flyer!!! How can you be OUT OF IT?!?!?!”

Did I mention it was 3:00, 12/24/1992?

I held it together as well as I could, for as long as I could trying oh so calmly to explain to her that it’s the day before Christmas and that flyer had come out almost a week before…this did very little good.

“What the FUCK am I supposed to get for my husband NOW?!?!”

How about some fucking pain killers, lady, ’cause livin’ with you must fucking hurt like all god damn hell!!!

Honestly, that’s a quote. It was also the end of my days at Sears.

The Incident of 2001 was much more entertaining, really, and involved me catching someone removing a gift from my shopping cart because it was the last one in the store. I don’t want to get in to too many details, but suffice it to say that this (1) ended badly for the would be thief, (2) did involve store security who indeed (3) went to the replay booth in the security office to check the tape…and found this man doing exactly what I had accused him of when they found me shaking him by the lapels of his jacket while he proclaimed his innocence and claimed that I was actaully trying to take it from him.

Ahh, good times. Makes me want some egg nog right now.

But really, I always think it’s a shame that the worst parts of so many of us come out at this time of year. It’s like we forget the spirit of the season and focus on the price tags attached to it….we’re more in to having things look right than we are in having them be right. That’s sad. So this year, with the Holiday season just a few days away and most of my shopping done, I’m going to try and slow down a bit and really enjoy it. I want to soak it all in and really feel like the Holidays are coming and all but here.

This year there will be no shaking of other shoppers…nor screaming at customers. I will not focus on all the insanity, but rather on the meaning of the season that sends us all out to the streets looking for Craftsman Toolboxes the night before Christmas. I might even sing some carols this year…who knows? Stranger things have happened and, last time I checked, the Egg Nog is spiked, isn’t it?

So then…where’s that mistletoe and who’s standin’ under it with me?


11 Responses to 'Alright God Damnit, How Much For the Christmas Spirit?!'

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  1. I-66 said,

    After realizing recently that I had yet to make my Christmas list, I did so post haste. Not only have I begun shopping, but I am doing it in the most lazily American way possible:


    Sure, I may spend a little extra loot in shipping, but what beats being able to watch Sportscenter, eat dinner, download porn, and shop for Christmas gifts at the same time?

  2. freckledk said,

    So, what’d you get me?

  3. skip said,

    I hate christmas. I hate the day. I hate forced gift-giving. when you get things from someone on christmas I always feel like they’re saying, “if this were any other day, I wouldn’t be doing this”

    that said, I love the season. my shopping mall experiences have been different that yours, but I think that it’s because I’m grinning and laughing the whole time. four or five shots of Cuervo’ll do that for ya. :~)

  4. Jo said,

    It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas….

    I -heart- Christmas, I love getting gifts for people. BUT I hate crowded malls. I get claustrophobic and nervous and freaked out. The trick is to take a 1/2 sick day of work (*cough* cough*) and go at 11 am on a random Tuesday. It’s almost a joy to shop at that time.

  5. Arjewtino said,

    What the hell is Christmas?

  6. Bruce said,

    I’m thinking that a holiday happy hour may be in order. Notice I said “Holiday” and not “Christmas,” I wouldn’t want to upset, confuse, or exlude Arjewtino.

  7. WiB said,

    Tysons Corner has been in the habit of being open until midnight during Christmas shopping season, so if I go to the mall (big if, as I take the same approach as I-66), I go like I grocery shop: starting around 10pm. the whole experience is borderline zenlike in its comparative calm.

    And Bruce, do whatever you want to Arj; he won’t remember it anyway.

  8. NGF said,

    Hmm… I think I know where there’s some mistletoe…. Care to join me?

  9. kate.d. said,

    mmmmm spiked egg nog. fattening AND drunk-making! yes!

    the upside of driving home this year instead of flying is that i don’t have to utilize the “and now will *this* fit into my carry-on?” criteria for every damn gift i buy.

    the downside is like eight hours on 95 North, but i’m trying not to think about that.

  10. wiat..where is the eggnog??????? you bahstahds…better have saved me a sip!!!! xoxo

  11. Aimee said,

    You are so my hero. Shopping was awesome last Sunday. Apparently everyone was too tired to come out after the frenzy on Friday. woohoo!

    Happy Holidays.

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