Lucky, Lucky Me.

Maybe it’s because none of these doctors I’ve been seeing seem to be able to do a damn thing about what I’m dealing with…or, maybe it’s because I’m hungry, but I can’t eat b/c of the pain it causes…or maybe it’s because I’m exhausted no matter what time I go to bed or wake up…

But I’m feeling lucky.

I’m no good at saying “help me”. I never really have been, and that’s not bragging; it’s a confession of my own weakness. I’m the oldest of three and it was my job to take care of them. That’s how it is when you’re the oldest. That always stayed with me. Plus, I’m a self made guy. Never got any help and never really wanted it. When something hurt me, I dealt with it. When something was hard, I tried harder. When I needed something, I figured out how to get it, and that didn’t involve finding someone to give it to me or even help me to get it.

That’s just the way it’s been…

But last night, after speaking with my cardiologist, I thought I was going to explode. See, I’ve been in a holding pattern since my night in the hospital. The doctors put me on something and sent me to my primary care physician…and he told me to see a cardiologist and a gastroenterologist. I saw the gastroenterologist for a “consultation” and he said he’d set me up for an Endoscopy. That got moved back twice, and is finally scheduled for tomorrow. The cardiologist brought me in for a “consultation” and set me up for an ECG and a stress test. That was Tuesday.

But the whole time that this back and forth has been going on, this pain has been getting a little worse, and a little worse, day by day. At first it was something that I could tolerate. But then it started getting a little worse…and a little worse. And I’ve been going to work and just dealing…dealing…dealing…

After Tuesday, no one would call me back and tell me what the results of my test were…not the cardiologist, not my PCP. So another day goes by, no relief in sight. Yesterday, I was trying to get through another day, not eating, exhausted, and in pain…oh, did I mention that I was in meetings all day? Yeah…NOT. FUN.

By the time I finally got the call, all he said was “We didn’t find anything”.

When I got home, I thought I was going to snap. Frustration + Hunger + Exhaustion + Pain? You do the math.

When I was in the Army, I took up boxing. My trainer used to say “sometimes you just need to hit”, and last night that was how I felt. I wanted to scream. I wanted to hit something. I felt like my head was going to just BLOW. And my stomach and my chest were screaming along with me…

When Fiance came home she asked if I wanted something to eat, and that was almost the “Scanners” moment. HOW could she ask me that? Doesn’t she know how much pain I’m in? Can’t she see that I’m doubled over?

I didn’t know what to do, what to say…I just snapped “NO!!”

And she looked at me and something…softened. I could barely believe what I said next. Really, because as I thought about it today I don’t know when I said it last.

“Can I just have a hug?”

For the next 10, 15 minutes, I sat and listened in the woman-who-will-be-my-wife’s arms while she told me how it was all going to be all right. And it wasn’t lip service. She’s right. It IS all going to be all right. She told me that I needed to relax…that the stress wasn’t helping the pain. And she was right. I felt myself take a deep breath and blow out, and the edge of the pain went with it. She told me she loves me, and that Friday’s test will hopefully reveal what’s wrong with me, and that will be a start and that will be the beginning of me getting back to where I need to be.

And she was right again.

If it was an episode of Scrubs, Ben Folds would have been playing in the background.

I found myself crying a little, and letting go a little, and leaning on her a little. And it felt really, really good.

Sometimes, you just need a hug.